


iT's YoU

by SpookyFaces



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, BadBoy!Zayn, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, I suck at tagging, Liam Payne - Freeform, Liam's kind of an ass, M/M, Mentions of Death, Minor Character Death, Popular!Liam, Zayn Malik - Freeform, kind of?, side larry - Freeform, they hate each other, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 15:42:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 46,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13461366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyFaces/pseuds/SpookyFaces
Summary: Popular, handsome and athletic Liam Payne has nothing in common with Zayn Malik, the bad-boy of the school, who wears leather jackets, combat boots and spends his lunch breaks with a cigarette and a sketchbook in his hands. There is something mysterious, something strange about him. Rumors say the half of his family has tragically died a few years ago. And there is something tragic about him. The way he walks alone in the hallways, the way he barely talks to anyone, except his stupid, curly friend.Liam hates him. He hates his honey-colored eyes, his stupidly long eyelashes, his unbelievably long fingers, his raven-black hair and mesmerizing lips.Yeah, he obviously hates him."Obviously" - Louis agrees, wiggling his eyebrows.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW for homophobic slurs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Now the Sirens have a still more fatal weapon than their song, namely their silence. And though admittedly such a thing never happened, it is still conceivable that someone might possibly have escaped from their singing; but from their silence certainly never.“ - Franz Kafka_

**Tidal waves they rip right through me**

**Tears from eyes worn cold and sad**

**Pick me up now, I need you so bad**

_Click._

Turn off the alarm. Roll over. Unglue the eyelids and stare up at the ceiling. Curse the world for existing. Nothing hard, right? 

Wrong.

It is actually really hard for Zayn. Probably because he fell asleep at 4 a.m. last night, he was too busy with sitting on the window and smoking his last pack of cigarettes to check the time. He can still feel the aftertaste of cigs, which makes his nicotine-hunger raise even more. He kicks the covers away and sits up in the bed. A loud, annoying knock fills up his room.

"Zaynie!" - A familiar voice shouts.

"Fucking hell." - He mumbles before getting up and walking towards the door lazily. He manages to stumble over his skateboard on the way. The door reveals a tiny creature with a grin plastered over her face.

"Morning, Zaynie!"

"Hey, Waliyah." - He rasps. "What do you want?"

"Mom wants to know if you're up for pancakes." 

"No. Now get lost before I threw a shoe at you."

"Rude." - The girl pouts, but before she can say anything Zayn shuts the door in front of her face. He grabs a hoodie from the floor, skinny black jeans from the chair and his already warn-to-dust Dr. Martens boots. The tiny glance into the mirror is enough for Zayn to realize what a huge mess his hair is today. He tries to give a damn about it, but fails. A quick trip into the bathroom to clean himself and he's ready to face the world. ( _No, not really._ )

With a backpack hanging from his right shoulder, he steps into the kitchen only to be met with.. Smoke?

"What the fuck?" - His nose scrunches as he tries to find his mother through the smoke.

"Mom burnt the pancakes!!" - Donya exclaims, throwing her arms into the air.

"It's okay, it's fine. Messed up with timing, but it's okay." - He hears his mothers rambling from behind his back. He turns around and sighs. She's wearing the same clothes she wore yesterday (and the day before. And before), her hair is pushed away from her face with a strange hairband, which probably doesn't even belong to her, judging from the _S_ written over it. She looks like a mess. Nothing new.

"Mom." - Zayn sighs. He sees the way his mother's hands shake as she scribbles the burnt pancakes from the pan. "Mom, leave it-"

"Honey, you're up!" - She says suddenly. She throws the pan into the dumpster and approaches Zayn. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah." - Zayn nods and his mother places a peck on his cheek. His fingers reach for her hair. "Take that hairband off, mom. It's Saf-"

"I wanted to cook some pancakes but well, I failed." - She giggles and walks away from him. "I guess you'll have to eat you P&J sandwiches for breakfast."

"Again?" - Waliyah whines, but Donya kicks her with the foot and shuts her up. 

"I will try to prepare dinner-"

"Mom." - Zayn cuts off his mother's mumbling. "Have you slept?"

A smile drops from her face. She sighs and runs a hand over her face.

"No." - She admits.

"Go to bed." - Zayn pushes her towards the door. "Now."

"But-"

"Now, mom."

Tricia sighs, sadness taking over all of her features. She gives Zayn a small smile and ruffles his hair.

"My hero."

"Go, mom." - Zayn repeats.

"Will you take them to school?" - She points towards her daughters, who are now fighting over the peanut butter.

"Yes. I will, mom. I always do."

Zayn watches her disappear from the kitchen and lets out a shaky breath. _Same thing, every morning._

"Eat your breakfast and come outside, I'll be waiting in the car." - He orders to his sisters.

__

"Hey, handsome." - A hand traces his cheek gently. "Open your eyes."

The numbness of sleep is still taking over his brain. He lets out a quiet whine and tries to shield his eyes from the sunlight.

"Baby, it's time to get up." - A soothing voice pierces through his mind.

Liam finally opens his eyes and tries to blink the blur away.

"There you are." - Familiar plump lips stretch in a smile. 

"Mornin' " - He cracks and stretches his arms.

"Morning, baby." - Sophia places a kiss on his forehead. "Get up, we can't be late. Plus, your mom made cookies."

Liam manages to somehow get up from the bed, get dressed and wash his face without falling asleep on his feet. He strides to the kitchen then, still unable to keep his eyes open. His mother is sitting near the table with a cup of tea in her hands. She's talking to his father about something, but the second she spots her son she stops and the smile stretches over her lips.

"Good morning, Liam." - She kisses his cheek as he sits down beside her and Sophia. "Sleepy?"

"Yes." - Liam blinks and smiles at his father. "Hi, dad."

"Morning, son." - The man smiles back.

"I made cookies!" - Karen says proudly. "You should try them."

"Thanks, mom." - Liam grins and grabs a cookie from the plate.

"Want me to drive you to school?" - His father asks and sips his coffee.

"No, thanks, dad. I'll drive." - Liam responds.

"Don't be late." - Karen warns him. "You don't want to miss your morning practice."

"Nope. Sophia wouldn't let me even dream about it." - He smiles and wraps an arm around his girlfriend's waist. 

"You're absolutely right." - Sophia giggles. "Come on, let's get going."

__

 

"You've smoked my last one ten minutes ago!"

"Excuse me?! It's not my fault you're always running low on your cigarette stock."

"Dude, you've been smoking my cigs for almost a week, now." - Harry scoffs and crosses arms on his chest. "And can you turn that down?!" 

Zayn turns the music's volume up and smirks. 

"Driver picks the music. Shotgun shuts his cake-hole."

"That's from Supernatural!" - Donya exclaims and jumps in her seat.

"Can you sit still for one minute?!" - Zayn growls, causing his sister to frown and sit quietly in her seat.

He parks the car in the parking lot and unbuckles his seatbelt. He's about to open the door when the rain of kisses fall over his face.

"Thanks for driving us, Zaynie!" - Waliyah says after placing a kiss on his nose and cheeks.

"Okay, get off of me!" - He barks. His sisters giggle and jump out of the car before he can say anything else. "Fucking hell, what did I ever do to deserve this?"

"Stop whining and get your ass out of the car." - Harry mumbles and leans on the car with his back. 

"Haaz." - Zayn wraps his arms around his friend's shoulders and grins at him. "You love me, right?"

"No, I won't-"

"Pleeease?"

"Ugh." - Harry rolls his eyes and picks a new pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He places one between Zayn's lips and then holds a lighter up for Zayn to use. "Prick."

"Thanks, mate." - Zayn drags from his cigarette and closes his eyes. Finally, the right way to start the morning.

"Would you look at this?" - _Oh, and here's the wrong way to start the morning._

Zayn disconnects his lashes and meets Liam Payne's pretentious smirk. 

"Two fags trying to get cancer on the parking lot." - Liam hisses. "How tragic."

"What do you want, Payne?" - Harry asks casually.

"Nothing. I just hate seeing you every morning." - He whines dramatically. "Yo, Malik, still going mute on me?"

Zayn doesn't even meet his eyes. He's looking up in the sky, cigarette dangling from his lips.

"Whatever." - Liam scoffs. "Just don't fuck in the parking lot, I don't want my car to get any infection from you."

"What the fuck are you even talking about?" - Harry snaps, but Zayn's grip on his forearm stops him from stepping forward and punching Liam. 

"Yeah, hold your dog on the leash, please." - Liam smirks. 

"Fuck off." - Harry hisses. Liam throws a disgusted look at them one last time before turning around on his heel and walking towards the school. 

"What the hell is his problem?" - Harry shakes his head and throws his cigarette away.

"Who knows." - Zayn shrugs. He curls an arms around Harry's waist and guides him to the entrance. "So, did you give Lou that blow-job you were talking about?"

__

Liam's brain is sleeping. The history class must be forbidden in the schools, it may cause the death from boredom. He blinks lazily and yawns dramatically. He'd gladly be lying in his bed right now, sleeping and resting. He may even fall asleep right there and right now, but obviously he can't, because two pricks behind him can't stop whispering.

Finally, he turns around in his chair and glares at the reason of the noise.

_Of-fucking-course._

"You two can't shut your whore-holes, can ya?" - He whisper-shouts at Zayn and Harry, who are now staring at him quietly. "People are trying to sleep in here."

"I'm pretty sure that's not what you're supposed to be doing in the class." - Harry mumbles.

"Oh, please. I don't need a lecture from a fag."

"Watch your mouth, Payne." - Harry growls. 

"Hey, Malik." - Liam nudges Zayn, who's staring down at his fingers. "Would you suck Horan's dick for twenty bucks?"

"Payne." - Harry warns, his body trembling from anger.

"Sorry, you're right. Twenty is too much for a cheap whore like you. Five, maybe?"

"You little-" - Harry flies up from his seat, his hand curling around Liam's collar and dragging him up from the chair. 

"Mr. Styles!" - They hear a shriek. Harry blinks up at the teacher, who's looking at him with her eyes wide. "Principal's office, now!"

"But-"

"Now! You too, Mr. Malik!" 

"Zayn didn't do anything-"

"I said now!" - The woman stomps her feet furiously. Harry glares one last time at Liam before unclenching his hand and letting Liam fall down on his seat. Zayn grabs his bag quietly and follows Harry, who walks out of the classroom.

"Oh, no! Boyfriends got busted." - Liam whispers to him when Zayn walks past his desk. Zayn looks at him, with those stupid shining, sad doe-eyes which cause Liam to shut up. He sits back in his chair and crosses arms on his chest. 

They are fags. They deserve it, right?

Then why the hell does he feel guilty every time Zayn fucking Malik looks at him like that?


	2. Chapter 2

"Detention! And for what?!" - Harry groans as they're walking down the hallway. "We didn't do anything!"

"Haz." - Zayn wraps an arm around Harry's waist. "Calm down. And I've told you not to mess with Payne, especially in the class. He's the pet of the teachers-"

"I don't care!" - Harry hisses. "He's a dick. And I can't ignore him like you do, okay?"

Zayn spots the familiar silhouette near the lockers and sighs with a relief.

"Here's your opium." - He breaths.

"What?"

"Hazza!" - A loud voice fills up the hallway. Harry's eyes light with the fire when he notices the person who called his name. 

"Hey, Lou." - He smiles sweetly and approaches the small boy. 

Louis is different. Zayn has never met anyone like him. He is loud, egocentric and even annoying from time to time. But, at the needed time he becomes the most understanding and caring person in the world. And Zayn doesn't blame Harry for falling in love with the boy. He might be small ( _tiny, even_ ) but his cheekbones, blue eyes and feathery fringe are enough to steal any human's heart.

Louis wraps his arms around Harry's long torso and hides his face in his chest.

"How are you, Hazza?"

"Could have been better." - Harry sighs. "We got a detention."

"Why?!" - Louis gasps as he moves his face away.

"He nearly beat up Payne." - Zayn shrugs. 

"Hazz, you shouldn't have-"

"I know, okay? Stop lecturing me, you two." - Harry mumbles. "He called you a slut, Zayn-"

"Not for the first time, and definitely not for the last." - Zayn explains. 

"Zayn, what about your job?" - Louis asks suddenly.

"Seems like I'll have to find the new one. I can't tell them I'll be late for the whole month because I have a fucking detention, can I?" - Zayn groans.

"That sucks." - Louis sighs. He stares up at Harry then. "Haz, you coming to lunch?"

"Yeah, sure." - Harry nods. "Zayn?"

"Nah, I'll pass." - Zayn shakes his head. "I'm dying for a smoke, you go."

Harry nods at this, then wraps his arm around Louis' shoulders and leads him towards the lunch-hall. Zayn turns around on his heels and quickly walks out of the school. The second the cold air hits his face is the second he loses his shit. He looks around and sees he's alone in the backyard, so he lets himself have a minute of anger. He screams _FUCK_ on the top of his lungs and kicks the trash bin with the full force. He can't afford getting kicked out of the job, not again. Not now, when his family needs cash. 

He grabs a cigarette from behind his ear and puts it between his lips. Lighting it up, he inhales and feels the way his head starts spinning. He leans back on the bricked wall and closes his eyes.

He needs 20$ for Waliyah's new bag. Then, he has to buy a lunch-box for Donya. Plus, they need groceries this week. But now he practically lost his job. All because of Liam Payne. Fucking Liam Payne.

Zayn exhales the poisonous smoke and opens his eyes. He doesn't expect to meet the same Liam Payne, standing in front of him with his arms crosses on the chest. Zayn groans and rolls his eyes from annoyance.

"Rude, princess." - Liam smirks and shakes his head. "I've heard you and Tarzan got detention. Good, you will think twice before messing with me from now on."

Zayn narrows his eyes and stares at Payne's grinning face. He is handsome. He has those deep, chocolaty eyes and plump lips. Zayn would go on a few dates with him, if he wasn't a dick. And a homophobe.

"What do you need?" - Zayn asks.

"Oh, so you _can_ speak." - Liam scoffs. "I didn't expect that your voice would be so-"

"Weird?"

"-Nice." - Liam finishes. He's staring at Zayn, literally eating him alive with his eyes and Zayn feels fucking uncomfortable under that gaze.

"You've heard me talk before, Liam." - Zayn reminds him. "In 8th grade. We used to be friends, actually."

"Oh, I remember that. I was stupid enough to walk aside the faggot." 

Zayn sighs at this and shakes his head.

"Go eat your lunch, Liam." - He mumbles and throws the cigarette down on the ground. 

"Those are gonna kill you one day." - Liam nods towards the cigarette and steps a foot above it.

"Yeah, I plan on that." - Zayn whispers and turns around to go back to the building.

"What did you say?" - Liam gasps.

"Nothing. Bye, Liam." - Zayn is about to open the door but the harsh grip on his forearm stops him. His back meets the bricked wall painfully, his head smacking on the cold stones. He lets out a groan and tries to free himself from Liam's touch, but the latter is too strong for him.

"Let me go-"

"I didn't finish talking to you, did I?" - Liam hisses, bringing his face close to Zayn. 

"Fuck off, Payne!" - Zayn tries to sound intimidating but fails as his voice breaks on the last word.

"You're glad you got the detention, aren't you? You'll have more time to blow Styles and all the gays in this school after classes." - Liam whispers, hate radiating through his eyes. "You little slut."

"Let me go, Liam." - Zayn's voice is trembling and he hates himself for that. The pain in his back grows bigger as he tries to unglue himself from the wall. "What have I ever done to you?!"

"Oh, what could you possibly do to _me_ , Malik." - Liam laughs and shakes his head. "You're a pathetic piece of garbage. Oh, you are right, we use to be friends in 8th grade. But guess what happened next? The summer break ended, we've returned to the school and you started ignoring me!" - Liam is literally shouting now, sending shivers down Zayn's spine. "You didn't look at me, didn't talk to me, didn't fucking acknowledge my existence! Why, did you think you were too cool for me at the time?! With your black clothes and messy hair and stupid sketchbook?!"

"Liam, please-" - Zayn breaths pathetically.

"Shut up!" - Liam growls and hardens his grip on Zayn's arms. "You've stopped talking, Malik! You decided that Styles was a better company than I was. Guess what - you were wrong! Because today - I am the best student of the school I have been invited to the Ivy League unis, and Styles? He's just a piece of trash, like you are! Poor Tricia and Yaser probably don't even know how pathetic their son is-"

"Shut the fuck up!" - Zayn screams suddenly and frees himself from Liam's grip. He pushes the boy's chest, causing him to stumble back. Zayn feels how his body begins to tremble from anger, but he can't control himself. "You don't know what you're talking about!"

He takes a few steps forward and tries to push Liam again, but the other boy catches his arms and holds them to his chest, trying to stop Zayn.

"I've stopped talking to _you?!_ " - Zayn shouts, his voice shaking. "I've stopped talking in general, Liam! I've stopped talking, I've stopped caring, I've stopped fucking living! You didn't care enough to ask me what was wrong, did you?! You've never even tried to understand what was happening!" 

"Zayn, calm down-"

"Don't you fucking tell me to calm down!" - Zayn screams hysterically. "You have to push, every damned day, you have to fucking push. You laugh and joke and have fun and press all the right buttons in my brain. You're a scumbag, Liam Payne! I got a detention because of you! That might not seem like a problem for you, but it is for me! I have a job after school, which I am going to lose because of this stupid detention! And I need cash, my family needs some fucking money to exist!!" - Tears are streaming down his face, but Zayn can't stop himself. He's gone too far.

"What are you talking about-"

"You have no idea." - Zayn shakes his head furiously and wipes his cheeks with a sleeve of his hoodie. "You have no fucking idea, so stop talking about my life like you know me!"

"I know you!" - Liam shouts. "I was your friend!"

"Friends don't leave each-other in hard times!" - Zayn bawls. Liam freezes on the spot, staring at Zayn with wide eyes. The raven-haired boy hugs himself, trying to shield his body from Liam. "You left. You never asked." - He adds with a shaky whisper.

Liam is still staring at him. His eyes fill with sadness and sympathy but Zayn can't deal with it, so he looks down at his feet and avoids his gaze.

"Is it true,then?" - Liam finally breaks the silence, taking a step forward to Zayn, only causing the other boy to stumble back. "What they say. Is it true? Is that why you've stopped talking?"

Zayn sniffles and nods, still not daring to meet Liam's eyes.

"Yeah." - He breaths. "We were driving home from the lake. Baba took us there to-to teach us how to swim. There was a drunk driver, he didn't, um-he didn't notice us, I guess. And-yeah. They couldn't save him and Saf. And I still don't know how to fucking swim." - Zayn kicks a little stone with his foot and sniffles once again.

"Fuck." - He heard Liam's whisper. "I don't know what to say or how to start apologizing-"

"You don't owe me an apology, Liam." - Zayn shakes his head and finally lifts his eyes. He has never seen Liam's eyes so sad. "And you don't have to pity me."

"I'm not-"

"Whatever." - Zayn wipes his face with his palm and lets out a shaky breath. "Now you know. I didn't ignore you, or anyone else. I just-I couldn't deal with anything at the time. And Harry-He never pushed, Liam. He never tried to break my facade or make me talk. He just-He was there. And that was enough, you know. That was all I've ever needed. A fucking friend."

Tears are gathering in Liam's eyes, but Zayn can't do that right now. So he turns his back to the boy.

"I gotta go back to class. Have a nice life, Liam." - He mumbles and walks towards the entrance. He doesn't dare to look back at Liam, scared he won't be able to leave if he does. So he steps in and shuts the door behind his back.


	3. Chapter 3

"And I wasn't even cheating, you know? I just glanced into Alex's paper, to check-"

"So you were cheating."

"I was not, Waliyah!"

Zayn rolls his eyes as his sisters finally approach the car.

"It's my turn to sit up front!" - Donya exclaims.

"No! You got to yesterday!"

"Uncle Harry will take the front seat." - The deep voice mumbles behind their backs, causing them to jump from surprise. Harry opens the front door and crashes down beside Zayn.

"That's so unfair!" - Waliyah shouts.

"Will you two just fucking sit already?!" - Zayn snaps and glares at his sisters. They sit in the back quietly, pouting and frowning at their brother. Harry's long fingers reach towards the radio but Zayn slaps his hand harshly.

"Ouch!"

"Don't you dare." - He hisses and starts the car. "Harry, seatbelt. Donya, windows up." 

__

The door shuts loudly behind their backs as they step into the hallway. Zayn kicks his boots off, drops the bag down the floor and strides towards the living room. He spots his mother laying on the couch, wrapped in the blanket from head to toes. 

"Mom, we're ho-"

"Shut up!" - He whisper-shouts to his sisters and points towards his mother's sleeping form. "Go to your rooms and change. I'll find something to eat."

"Are you going to talk to your boss about detention?" - Harry asks when they walk into the kitchen. He sits down on the counter and grabs an apple from the vase. 

"Yes. They will probably kick me out, so I have to find something else." - Zayn mumbles and opens the fridge door. _Empty._ He spots the eggs in the furthest corner and grabs them.

"That sucks, man. Hey, you could go that place that Lou works at. The cinema." - Harry tries to bite down the apple, but Zayn grabs it from his hands, washes it in the sink and hands an apple back to him. "Thanks."

"Yeah, I guess I could. I'll see." - Zayn responds. "Want some fried eggs?"

"Nah, I'm good." - Harry shakes his head. 

Loud footsteps approach the kitchen door and in a second, the room fills up with high-pitched voices.

"Zaynie, what are you cooking?" - Donya asks as she jumps onto the counter near Harry. 

"Eggs."

"I hate eggs." - Waliyah whines.

"Well, in that case you can go get your own food or starve to death." - Zayn hisses at her.

"Rude." - The girl crosses arms on her chest and frowns. "Donya was cheating on maths test today!"

"Hey!" - Donya shouts.

"Be quiet for fuck's sake!" - Zayn snaps. "Mom's sleeping."

"Sorry." - They answer in unison. 

"Too late, mom's already up." - They hear a cheerful voice from behind their backs. Zayn turns round instantly and is met with his mother's smiling face. She's wearing the headband again and Zayn wants to scream. "What are you doing here? Hello, Harry."

"Hey, Tricia." - Harry places a small kiss on the woman's cheek. "Feeling okay?"

"Yeah, of course." - Tricia smiles and ruffles Harry's curls. "How's Louis?"

Harry groans, his cheeks growing red and stares down at his fingers.

"Mom, I'm cooking eggs, why don't you go lay do-"

"No, Beta. I'm gonna help you!" - The woman grins. "You know I'm a great cook, right? Don, hand me the pan."

"No, don't, just-"

"Zayn." - His mother sighs and looks at Zayn. "Let me handle this. Just go get ready for you work."

Zayn nods instantly and grabs Harry's hand, dragging him out of the kitchen before he can blurt anything about detention.

"She can't know." - He whispers to his friend when they enter his room. 

"But-"

"Haz." - Zayn cuts him off. "She can't. Okay?"

Harry stares at him for a moment before nodding.

"Fine." - He sighs.

__

"I'm home!" - Liam shouts as the door shuts behind his back. "Hello, Meriem." - He greets the maid. He hands the woman his bag and takes off his shoes before walking into the living room.

"My baby brother is home!" - Ruth opens her arms wide to hug her brother. "How was your day, love?"

"Okay, I guess." - Liam hugs his sister and flops down on the couch beside her. "What are you watching?"

"Oh, nothing interesting. Just a stupid reality-show." - She laughs and picks the remote to mute the TV. She looks at her brother, who's staring down at his feet. His brows are knitted together, he looks like he's been taken far away by his thoughts.

"Love? What happened?" - She asks concerned.

"No, nothing. I'm fine." - Liam shrugs off, but his sister's intense gaze doesn't leave him.

"Liam Payne, don't you lie to me. I'm not mom, you can tell me anything." - She says softly.

"Ugh, fine." - Liam lifts his eyes. "Do you remember Zayn?" - He asks quietly.

"Zayn? Zayn Malik? Of course I remember him. You two used to be inseparable a few years ago. He used to come around and you played video-games together." - She tells him with a smile on her face. "But then you two've just stopped talking. After-"

"The accident." - Liam breaths. "Fucking hell."

"Liam!"

"Sorry. I just-When we went back to school that year, he-he started ignoring me? He stopped talking, like in general. But I thought he didn't want to be friends with me anymore, because he decided I wasn't cool enough or something, so I-"

"Liam Payne, what did you do?!"

"I was so rude to him, Ruth." - Liam sighs. "I've heard about an accident, but I didn't want to believe it, you know? Wanted to think it was just another stupid rumor. And he-he was changed. He was different. With those black clothes and leather jackets. He became someone I didn't know and I just-Fuck."

"Hey." - He hears his sister's soothing voice. She puts a hand on his shoulder sympathetically. "You were a kid, Liam. You didn't understand what was going on, don't blame yourself."

"But he was a kid, too. And he needed a friend. He needed me." - Liam mumbles. "But I never asked. I was never there for him."

"Look." - Ruth sighs. "It's not too late. You can change everything-"

"No,no,no!" - Liam exclaims suddenly. "I can't! I mean, he's an outcast. He and his stupid curly friend - they are the outsiders. I have a reputation, you know? I am the most popular guy in the school and I can't be friends with people like him."

"Liam." - Ruth gasps with her eyes wide. "But, a second ago you were saying-"

"It doesn't matter what I was saying." - Liam jumps from his seat and walks towards his room. "I can't be his friend. I can't and I won't!"

He shuts the door behind his back and curses loudly. He can't be friends with Zayn Malik. And he can't let himself grow a soft spot for the boy. Because he doesn't matter, not anymore. Liam matters. Sophia matters. Niall matters and all his other friends matter. But Zayn doesn't.

Liam approaches one of his closet and grabs the small box that was hidden under the pile of clothes. He opens the box and stares down at the papers inside.

_"I wanna be a teacher when I grow up." - Liam admitted, looking down at his feet shamefully. They are sitting on the floor in his room, video-game paused in front of them._

_"Hey, that's amazing!" - Zayn gasped, grin plastered on his face. "You're gonna be an amazing teacher, Lee."_

_"I don't think mom and dad will agree." - Liam mumbled. "They want me to be a businessman, like dad."_

_"Leeyum." - Zayn shifted closer to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "It's your life. And you can be whoever you want to be. I want to be an artist, a painter. And I know Baba will probably try to change my mind, but it's what I want, yeah? So I'm gonna try and do my best to become an artist."_

_"You're going to be the best painter in the world." - Liam whispered, his cheeks getting red._

_"And you are going to be the best teacher. Here,-" - Zayn got up suddenly, approached Liam's table and grabbed a paper with two pens. "Let's write down a promise that we will always believe in ourselves."_

_He scribbled down something on the paper and handed it to Liam._

_"Sign our contract, Leeyum."_

_Liam laughed loudly and signed the paper._

Liam is staring down at the paper in his hands.

**We, Liam Payne and Zayn Malik, promise to never betray our dreams and believe in each-other. Even if nobody else does.**

Liam's hands start to shake. He inhales furiously and rips the paper in half. He kicks the box with his foot and throws the pieces of the contract into the trash can. The he flops down on his bed and closes his eyes.

Zayn Malik is in past and nothing can change that. Nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW for homophobic words and bullying

"Sometimes I wonder what would I do if I could fly." - Harry mumbles slowly, as he plays with an apple in his hand. Zayn lifts his eyes from the table, eyebrow raised from surprise. "I mean, where would I fly first? Would I try to leave this planet?"

"Since when did you get so fucking deep?" - Zayn blurts. "And you'd need some ultralight speed to leave the planet."

"Nice, you always find a way to ruin everything, nerd." - Harry rolls his eyes and bites down on his apple. 

Zayn shakes his head and returns his gaze to the table. The lunch hall is always full and loud, it makes his ears ring and head spin. It's not that he hates people. No, he likes people. He likes his mother, and his sisters, he likes Harry and Louis. But he hates the fact that he has to face everyone else every day. He would probably never leave the house if he had a chance.

"You're gonna eat that?" - Harry nods towards Zayn's sandwich. The raven-haired boy rolls his eyes and hands him the food, getting a grateful grin as a response.

"You think we're gonna get caught if we cheat on math's test?" - Harry asks with his mouth full.

"No, and for fuck's sake, swallow your food first." - Zayn answers annoyed.

"He's good at swallowing." - Louis' flops down besides Harry and flashes him a warm smile. Harry chokes on the food, nearly dying from the coughs but managing to steady his breathing. Zayn scrunches his nose with a disgusted expression and gets up from his seat.

"I'm gonna go smoke before you two made me throw up." - He mumbles and quickly walks out of the lunch room, leaving friends behind him. They would probably start sucking each-other's faces soon.

"If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you." - He hears Harrys voice mumbling to Louis and tries to pretend he didn't hear it.

He walks down an empty hall, earphones stuffed into ears, Blink 182 screaming and echoing in his brain. He nods his head, following the rhythm of the music. He pats his pockets, checking if he still has the pack of cigarettes he stole from Harry this morning and smirks when he feels it bumping against his palm. It's a good day (as good as it can be.) 

Or at least he thought so.

He feels a bump on his shoulder, which causes him to jump from surprise and quickly pull out one earbud. He turns around in the speed of light and is met with the familiar smirk full of arrogance.

__

 

Liam throws his backpack into the locker and closes the door. Sophia still has her arm curled around his waist, as if she's trying to prove to the whole school that Liam is hers. He glances around an empty hallway and then looks at Niall, who's standing behind him.

"Is it lunch time already?" 

"Yeah." - Niall nods and licks his lips. "And I'm so hungry I'd eat an elephant. You coming?" 

"Um, no." - Liam shakes his head and tries to wiggle out from Sophia's grip. _He fails._ "Not hungry. Plus, I need to catch up on math's test. Haven't revised much last night."

"Yes, we were busy." - Sophia smirks. 

"And I did not need to know that." - Niall states before turning around and running off to the lunch hall.

"Babe." - Sophia looks up at Liam. "Let's go the movies tonight. I've seen the poster of this new-Oh." - She cuts herself off as her gaze focuses on something behind Liam's back. "Damn it."

"What is it?" - Liam asks confused.

"Freak's right behind you." - She rolls her eyes and nods forward. Liam turns around on his heels to see what Sophia is talking about.

Oh. _The_ freak.

Zayn's walking down the hall, looking completely out of this world. Judging by the earphones and the way his eyes are closed, his mind is somewhere far away from here. Liam remembers how passionate Zayn used to be about music. He still keeps the CDs the boy gave to him as a present on his birthday. _He needs to get rid of them._ He tries to tear his gaze off the boy, but fails. Because Zayn looks.. Different from everyone else. His dark curls are falling down his face, he's wearing a t-shirt of some rock-band Liam has never heard about, black, skinny jeans that hug his thin legs and those strange, huge boots. 

Zayn is different. He manages to always blur everyone else around him. He's probably from some other planet. And no, Liam's not gay, ew. Zayn is a fag. Liam is not. He has Sophia, okay?

"..iam? Baby!" - A nudge on his shoulder snaps him out of his thoughts. Liam blinks and looks down at Sophia. And Zayn, who's now standing right in front of him, with a confused face and an earphone in his hand. 

"Wha-What?" - He asks, not understanding when did Zayn get this close to them.

"I said, why don't you tell the freak to stay away from us. He bumped into me!" - She hisses and crosses arms on her chest. Zayn's staring at her, with his brows knitted together, confusion written all over his face. _And the tiny ray of sunshine is reflecting in his hazel-colored eyes, making them look like they're shining and radiating warmth._

"I-um." - Liam swallows hardly and tries to think of something sharp and quick. "I mean-Yeah. Yeah, why don't you stay in your lane, Malik, and stop crossing paths with us all the time?"

Sophia looks unimpressed. But well, it still is something, isn't it.

Zayn stares at him for a moment, then stuffs his earphone back into his ear and turns around to walk away. This awakens anger in Liam. Because _you don't ignore Liam Payne._ He growls with annoyance and catches up with the smaller boy. He stands right in front of him, causing Zayn to stop walking. He pushes Zayn's thin frame into the lockers roughly, and lands both of his hands beside the boy's face. 

"I haven't finished." - He hisses and pulls Zayn's earphones with one hand. "And you didn't apologize."

"Get off of me." - Zayn tries to push him away, but fails. Because Liam is strong and big. He's Liam Payne for fuck's sake. 

"You annoy the shit out of me, you know that, right?" - Liam growls with his voice low. His eyes are swirling holes on Zayn's face and he's sure he looks frightening right now. _Good._

"Liam, leave me-"

"You annoy my girlfriend too, doesn't he, Soph?" - He glances at his girlfriend, who's smiling proudly at him. She nods and smirks at Zayn. "So keep your faggot ass away from us."

"Liam." - Zayn breaths shakily as Liam grabs his wrist and squeezes it painfully. Something twists in Liam's chest as he spots the plead and pain the boy's eyes. _But this is the way it is supposed to be. He's Zayn. He's in the past, and he needs to be reminded of that._

"I will break your vertebras if you touch her or anyone around me ever again, am I clear?!"

"I didn't-"

"Am I clear?" - Liam repeats, his grip tightening around the boy's wrist. _Thin, fragile wrist._

"Y-Yes." - Zayn whispers, his eyes never leaving Liam's face.

"Good." - Sophia exclaims from behind Liam's back. "Right now I'm going to lunch hall and don't you dare to show up there. You coming, babe?"

"Yes, go, I'll catch up with you." - Liam tells her.

After a moment, he's left alone with Zayn in the hallway. His fingers are still curled around the boy's hand. Zayn's staring up at him with those stupid doe-eyes of him and Liam wants to scream.

"Let me go." - Zayn whispers quietly, his voice barely reaching Liam. But they do, and Liam frees the boy from his grip in a second.

Zayn grabs his backpack from the floor and looks up at Liam.

"I don't know what are you trying to prove, Liam, but it makes you seem pathetic." - He mumbles and curls his own fingers around the wrist. Liam can spot the red marks of his grip left on the boy's skin.

"I'm not trying to prove anything." - He answers, with his tone harsh and cold. "You're annoying me."

"That doesn't give you the right to touch me." - Zayn hisses. 

"You bumped into my girlfriend-"

"She bumped into me, Liam. On purpose." 

Liam gulps. _Yes, it sounds like Sophia._

"You're gay, and pathetic. You deserve this." - He blurts, when he can think of anything else. 

Zayn blinks up at him, then shakes his head and starts to walk away.

"This is the way it's supposed to be." - Liam adds. "The way it was always supposed to be."

"I know." - Zayn breaths without facing him.

"And the fact that we used to be friends means nothing."

"I know."

"I mean, we were kids and we didn't know anything about the world."

Zayn stays silent and Liam wonders why hasn't he left yet. 

"But I didn't mean to hurt you, I guess." - Liam mumbles and lets his gaze fall down to the floor.

"Whatever. It doesn't matter, Liam."

"And you don't deserve this. I lied." 

"You're just trying to show everyone that you're an average, popular guy that bullies the freaks." - Zayn turns around to face him and nods. "I get it."

"You're not-"

"I don't care, Li."

 _Li._ Liam's world spins around him as he hears the nickname slipping from Zayn's lips. Unbearable pain fills his chest and he can't shake it off. Not anymore.

"You called me Li." - The words leave his mouth without thinking. Zayn's eyes widen as he realizes what he's said. But it's too late to take it back.

"I didn't-It's just out of the habit." - He tries to explain. 

"You used to call me Li-Man." - Liam says quietly. 

_"You're Li-Man." - Zayn giggled. "A superhero that always has my back. You always seem to save my day. You're my superhero."_

_"Shut up, Zee." - Liam blushed. "I'm not a superhero."_

_"Yes, you are. The best one."_

"The best superhero in the world." - Zayn smirks up at him.

Liam tries to swallow an uncomfortable feeling gathered in his throat. He can't.

"Well, I guess I became a villain now, didn't I?" - He tries to laugh. One again, he can't.

"You did." - Zayn answers, frown painted on his face. "Exactly when I needed my superhero the most."

Liam's knees buckle. He closes his eyes for a moment to catch his breath. Then opens his mouth to say something, to apologize - but Zayn is gone.

__

"The school sucks." - Harry sighs as he throws the bag over his shoulders. They're walking out of the school yard. Zayn's got a hood draped over his head, trying to somehow get his ears warm, because it's too damn cold. Harry drops the burned cigarette to the ground and exhales the smoke. " 'M gonna catch a bus. You coming?"

"No, I'm gonna walk." - Zayn shakes his head. "See you tomorrow." 

Harry waves before turning around and running towards the bus. Zayn continues his way alone. The perks of detention - there isn't a lot of people near the school at the time you get out. So you can be alone and enjoy your own company. He's stepping lazily towards his block, glancing up to the sky from time to time.

"Yo, Malik!" - He hears a loud voice. _Fucking hell._ He starts walking faster, refusing to turn around. But he hears footsteps approaching him and then someone tugs his backpack, causing him to stumble back.

"I'm talking to you!" - An annoying voice hisses near his face. Zayn lifts his eyes to meet the face he hates so much. 

"What do you need, Tom?" - He asks annoyed. _Fucking Tom Martin and his clique. The biggest asshole in the school. Zayn's face still remembers the pain from his fists._

"Watch your tone, faggot." - Tom pushes Zayn harshly.

"What the fuck is your problem, mate?" - Zayn growls. "Go fuck your girlfriend, won't ya? What was her name, again? Lindsey? The ugly one-"

"You motherfucker!"

Something solid collides with Zayn's nose painfully. He falls down to the ground, the blood spilling out of his nostrils instantly. He feels the warm liquid dripping down his chin. But then a kick is placed right into his chest, causing him to cough violently and curl, trying shield himself. Strong fingers tug on his hair harshly, forcing him to look up at meet the boy's hateful eyes.

"You pathetic piece of shit!" - He growls as one of his minions places another hit on Zayn's stomach. He tries to scribble up from the ground, but fails. "I guess I'll have to cut your tongue for talking too much." 

His face is too close to Zayn and he uses the moment to place a punch right on the boy's chin.

_Shit._

Zayn's heart starts beating like crazy. He tries to get up once again, but Tom pushes him down and keeps him on the ground. Zayn tries to free himself, even lands a few hits somewhere near Tom's face, but only ends bruising and bloodying his knuckles.

"I'll show you your place, you little-"

"Hey!" - Another voice cuts him off.

Zayn's laying on the ground, his bloodied hands covering his head shakily. He can't believe he got himself into this mess. He's afraid to lift his head, knowing he'll be met with another cold punch and that will probably knock him out. But he feels Tom's weight leaving his body suddenly.

"Get the fuck out of here before I've called the school security." - The voice orders. "Now."

Quick footsteps can be heard and Zayn guesses that's Tom's whole clique running away, like chickens. Everything happened too fast, he barely had the time to register anything. He wants to get up, but he can't move.

A hand is landed on his shoulder.

"Zayn?"

Slowly, he lifts his head from the ground and stares up at his savior. The world starts spinning around him, he can count starts in front of his eyes. But he still sees the face, he recognizes it.

"You-" 

"Shit, I think you have a concussion." - Liam's brows wriggle with concern. "Do you think you can walk? My car is right there."

"You-Why did you-" - Zayn tries to find the words. Seems like he's forgotten how to talk.

"Zayn, are you okay? Can you hear me?" - Liam cups his cheek gently, wiping the blood smeared on his chin. 

"My superhero." - Zayn laughs wetly, metallic taste on his tongue. He probably looks like a creepy maniac, with blood on his teeth when he smiles. He sees Liam's eyes going wide, filling up with pain and sadness. 

But then the stars in front of Zayn's sight come back and he closes his eyes. The last thing he feels is the way his body collides with the warm chest and strong arms.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> 
> 
>  
> 
> OKAY CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tiny chap but hey, still smthng

_"I've never noticed he had a nose ring._ "

"Yeah, he got it when he was 15. It was strange, but it kinda went with his style."

_"How the hell do you know all this stuff?"_

"Um, I-"

Zayn disconnects his eyelids and is instantly met with a blinding, white light. His brows knit together and he tries to sit up, but his head is so fucking heavy he barely lifts it up from the pillow. _Pillow._ How did the pillow appear? And why is he laying? And who the fuck are these people who were talking about him? Panic raises in his body and he lets out a quiet whimper as he tries to sit again.

"Hey, hey. Easy." - He hears the rushed words and suddenly there is a pair of strong arms around his shoulders.

"What-Where the fuck am I?" - He mumbles and hisses as the piercing pain fills up his head.

"In my room?" - The voice answers nervously. Zayn finally takes time to look around. He recognizes the walls, the posters, the desk and even the closet. _He used to hide in there when he needed to get away from the world._ His eyes land on familiar face, with concern painted over the features.

"Why?" - Is all he manages to ask.

"Tom." - Liam answers quietly. 

_Ah, right._ He remembers now. He remembers punches, kicks and fists meeting his face. He feels the bruises on his ribs and notices the blood smeared all over his knuckles.

"Shit." - He whispers, staring down at his hands. "And-Why did you bring me here?"

Liam hesitates to answer, but then clears his throat and scratches his beck awkwardly.

"Well, I didn't think that you'd be happy if I took you to the hospital, and I'm sure Tricia would freak out if I brought you home in this state. So-"

"Yeah, I-I get it. You didn't have to. But yeah, thanks. I guess." - Zayn mumbles. _This isn't right. Liam hates him._

"I like your nose ring." - Somebody with an Irish accent says suddenly, causing Zayn to jump from surprise. He spots the blond boy sitting near his bed, grinning at him widely.

"Oh. Um, thanks, Niall." - Zayn answers. He likes Niall. He's probably the kindest person he's ever met. He doesn't get why he is friends with Liam. 

"I gotta get going." - Niall says. "Call me, Payno. And bye, Zayn. I'm glad you're okay. It was kinda scary when you passed out on Liam. But romantic, you know, like it happens in movies."

Zayn blushes violently and stares down at the floor. Embarassement fills his chest. _Good job, Zayn._ He hears the door shutting, which means Niall has gone by now. His gaze is still glued to the floor, as he refuses to look at Liam. The other boy is kneeled beside the bed, staring right at Zayn. And Zayn hates it.

"Thanks." - He whispers. "For, you know. Helping me out there. I didn't need you to-"

"But you did." - Liam cuts him off, his voice soft. "Tom would break your bones with no hesitation."

"Stop." - Zayn snaps, his eyes finally lifting to meet Liam's soft ones.

"What-"

"Stop pretending like this is normal. You helping me out. It's not. It never will be." - He gets up from the bed, ignoring the way his worlds spins around for a moment. He grabs his bag from the floor.

"Zayn you need to rest-"

"And you need to back off." - Zayn points a finger at Liam, glaring at the boy. "We're not friends. You're not any different from Tom, any other day it would be you bullying me. So there's no need to play the hero."

"You said I was your superhero." - Liam whispers, eyes never leaving Zayn's flushed face.

The olive-skinned boy gulps. He did say that. And he doesn't know why.

"I was out of my mind." - He hisses. "You're not a hero. You're trying to prove yourself that you're not a bad guy, only because you saved me once. But you have no idea how many times it has been you instead of Tom, pushing me into the lockers, saying shit about me and calling me names. I get that you hate me, but you need to find someone else to use for rising your heroic ego."

"I don't hate you, Zayn." - Liam says shakily. His eyes are staring at Zayn, sadness radiating from them. 

"Yes, you do." - Zayn shakes his head. "But I get it. I get it, I'd hate me too, to be honest. But that doesn't give you the right to treat me the way that you do."

Liam takes a few steps forward, standing right in front of Zayn. He stares down his hazel eyes and _God, his head is spinning from the sight._ He exhales shakily and swallows hardly.

"I didn't remember your eyes were so beautiful." - He whispers before he can stop himself.

Zayn's eyes go wide. He stumbles back slightly and gapes at Liam. The words are still hanging in the air above them and Liam wants to disappear.

"Shit, I-I didn't mean to say that out loud. Fuck, damn it. Sorry." - Liam mumbles and runs a hand over his face. Zayn is still staring up at him, clutching his bag to his chest as if protecting himself from Liam.

"It's f-fine." - He murmurs and looks away from Liam. His eyes dart around the room once again and then a small smirk appears on his face. "I've missed this room." 

Liam chuckles and nods, warmth spreading through his body.

"Yeah. It hasn't changed a bit, has it?"

"No. Still a fan of Timberlake, I see?" - Zayn nods towards one of the posters. Liam groans and hides his face in his palm.

"You were not supposed to see that." - He whines.

"Oh, come on. I remember your mp3 was full of his songs." - Zayn mocks him. He is smiling at him, with that wonderful smile when he pokes his tongue slightly. Suddenly, Liam wants to hug the boy.

"At least, I wasn't the one listening to Shakira."

"Excuse you, Shakira is the queen." - The boy exclaims.

"I miss you." - Liam blurts. _He needs to learn how to push his teeth into his tongue._

"Stop lying." - Zayn shakes his head, letting out a humorless laugh. His eyes get sad, again. Liam hates it. 

"I'm not." - Liam decided it's too late to take his words back now. He takes a step forward, once again intruding Zayn's private space but he doesn't care. He lifts his finger and traces a bruise on Zayn's cheek gently. He feels the boy tensing under his touch, but it doesn't stop him. Zayn's doe-eyes are staring up at him, full of hesitation, sadness and even fear. "I'm not going to let anything like this happen to you again."

Zayn snaps out of the trance suddenly and pulls away from Liam's touch. 

"But it will. And tt doesn't involve you. Not anymore." - He mumbles as he puts the bag over his shoulders. _"Stay in your lane, Payne."_

Liam closes his eyes, because those are his words Zayn is quoting to him. And it hurts. He opens his eyes to say something, but once again - Zayn is gone from his house.


	6. Chapter 6

"They've kicked me out of the job." - Zayn mumbles. He drugs from the cigarette resting between his fingers and exhales the grey smoke. The air around him is too cold and his thin leather jacket doesn't provide the warmth he needs, but at least it balances the rage and fury in his soul. He chuckles at the thought and shakes his head.

"That sucks." - Harry sighs. They are sitting on the bench behind the school building, smoking their problems away. Zayn feels Harry's swirling gaze locked on his bruise. "I wish I could rip Tom apart."

"But you won't." - Zayn shakes his head. "Because we don't want you to get in trouble, right? We're already in detention, the school would probably expel you for something like that."

"What's his problem,anyways?"

"Who knows. He's just another bully, who tries to prove to the world how strong and cool they are." - Zayn drops the cigarette and stomps it with his boot. "Come on, let's get back, it's freezing."

They walk back into the school, not caring about the obvious smell of nicotine following them. The place is full of jocks and druggies, nobody cares about students smoking on the school property anymore. They approach the lockers and Zayn leans on them with his back, waiting for Harry to grab his stuff for the class. He hears the voices nearing the from behind. Cheerful laughters and somebody's high-pitched, annoying giggle and he knows exactly who it belongs to. So he glues his eyes at Harry, trying to avoid any kind of an eye-contact with approaching group.

"Hey, fag!" - He hears a loud call. He rolls his eyes, never facing the person who called him. Zayn sees Harry's fingers gripping on the edge of his locker door, the knuckles turning white from pressure. He puts a hand on his friend's shoulder gently and mouths a quiet _"don't._ Harry shuts the locker loudly and swirls around, only to be met with a few smirks full of arrogance.

"Get out of here." - He hisses, his eyes full of fury. 

"Haz, stop." - Zayn warns him.

"Yeah. _Haz,_ listen to your fag friend and stop. You don't want trouble, do you?" - Sophia spits. 

"Please, let's just get to the class." - Zayn whispers to Harry, his voice pleading. 

Harry finally tears his eyes off the group and looks at Zayn. He exhales shakily and pushes past Zayn, stomping towards the classroom. Zayn closes his eyes and sighs. He follows Harry then, without glancing back. They crush down on the furthest chairs in the class, as always. Harry puts his hands on the desk and hides his face in them. The raven-haired boy runs a hand through his friend's curls.

"Fuck them, Haz." - Zayn mumbles.

Harry doesn't respond, only shakes his head slightly. Zayn lifts his eyes to look around the classroom and catches the pair of chocolaty-brown eyes staring at him. They are full of something Zayn can't name. Liam is looking at him with an unexplained expression, and it makes Zayn's stomach twist. He places his cheek on Harry's shoulder and looks away from Liam's gaze. This day sucks.

___

Zayn drapes a hood of his messy hair. He feels the drops of water tickling down his spine, the heavy rain falling down his body. Once again he curses himself for wearing the thin jacket as he curls his arms around his frame to somehow warm himself up a bit. His wet backpack hanging on his shoulders is getting too heavy for his vertebras. His teeth clutter as he walks down the block, wishing he somehow could grow wings and or found a portal leading straight to his house. Not even the gloves that Harry gave to him this morning can warm his frozen fingers and stop from shaking. He lent his car to Harry for a date with Louis, and only now he realizes what a stupid decision it was.

He hears tires screeching beside him on the road. His head snaps to the side as the driver's door opens and shuts loudly. Suddenly, Liam is standing in front of him, arms crossed on his chest. He is wearing a warm, big jacket and a beanie and Zayn has never been so jealous of anyone as he is of Liam right now. He wishes he had something like that to warm him.

"What do you want?" - He asks loudly, his voice barely reaching Liam because of the rain.

"Nothing. I just like the sight of you being so pathetic and helpless. I would offer to drive you home, but I should stay in my lane, like you've said." - Liam answers, smirk plastered on his face.

"Why'd you stop,then?" - Zayn asks an obvious question.

"Have I ever told you how sick you and your curly friend make me?" - Liam asks back, slowly approaching Zayn, step by step. Zayn stumbles back as Liam stands right in front of him. "Have I ever told you that your flirting in school makes me want to throw up?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" - Zayn mumbles, brows knitting together.

"Oh, please. Did you really think nobody would notice? Your constant glances towards each-other, gentle touches. You are a pair of disgusting faggots, sending gay signals to each-other every minutes." - Liam hisses. "You think nobody sees the way you touch him, the way you smile at him, but I do. I notice and I hate that you give yourself the right to be such a faggot in my school."

Zayn blinks, his eyelashes crumpled together from rain don't provide any kind of protection to his eyes.

"I don't understand-"

"You think you're so smart,huh?" - Liam steps forward, holding his face too close to Zayn's and the boy can feel his breath on his cheeks. "You wish Styles was up your ass, don't you? You wish he could fuck the shit out of you, roughly. You wish he gave you something to replace the emptiness in your soul with."

"Stop." - Zayn breaths and tries to push Liam away, but the boy leans forward even more.

"You wish somebody could love you, even if it's someone as stupid as Styles. But you know what? Nobody will ever love you, Zayn. Wanna know why? 'Cause you're not worth it." - Liam's hot breath tickles Zayn's skin. "You're not worth anything, Malik."

That's when Zayn finally collects the courage and pushes Liam's chest with all the force he has. Liam stumbles back, his eyes still glued at Zayn. Zayn tries to calm himself, but his shaky breaths escape his lungs before he can stop himself.

"Stay away from me." - He manages to whisper. "Stay fucking away from me."

"Oh, but what would happen if I stayed away yesterday, Zayn?" - Liam smirks. "Tom would probably murder your faggot ass-"

"And maybe that would be great!" - Zayn screams suddenly, still staring at Liam. He notices the smirk falling down from the boy's face, frown replacing it. "Maybe him killing me would be fucking great, yeah? Maybe then it all would fucking come to an end!"

"Or maybe not." - Liam says quietly and shrugs. "Then I wouldn't have _you_ to mock or laugh at. My life would become boring." 

Zayn shakes his head and chuckles. 

"Yeah." - He nods, looking up at Liam. "Yeah, and maybe that's the only purpose of my life. Being a fucking target."

Liam sighs and runs a hand over his face. He looks at Zayn then, with his eyes full of.. Sympathy? Suddenly, Zayn feels sick. He feels sick because he doesn't need Liam pitying him.

"Fuck you." - He spits and turns around to finally leave, wondering why hadn't he done it before.

"It would suck if you died, you know." - Liam says suddenly. 

Zayn scoffs, he can't stop a laughter escaping his throat.

"You better choose one role, Liam, and fucking stick to it. You're either a bully, either- _either you._ Because you can't switch from one to another every minute. Not with me."

"Maybe I can't choose?" - Liam says. "Maybe I don't understand."

"That's not my problem." - Zayn shakes his head. "I prefer if you'd just go back to bullying me, I'm used to that. This-" - He points at Liam's frowned face. "This confuses me. This messes me up and I won't let you do that. Not anymore."

Liam is still staring at him when Zayn takes a few steps back.

"You think you know me. But you don't even know yourself. Now get in the car and drive the fuck away. I don't need your pity and I don't need you reminding me of what I'm worth." - He says, adjusts his wet backpack and walks away, leaving Liam glued to the spot.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what an emotional rollercoaster woah  
> sorry for the minor mistakes

A gentle hand is stroking his hair away from his face. The sleep is still making his mind feel heavy, his eyelids are still glued together, but a soothing voice manages ro crawl into his head.

"Baby, wake up." - A familiar voice whispers. It reminds him of childhood, of careless days and warm nights. "Zaynie, love, open your eyes."

His eyelashes disconnect, blur still fogging his vision but he still sees the soft smile and beautiful, deep eyes.

"Mom?" - He mumbles wit his voice hoarse.

"Yes, honey. You fell asleep." - His mother whispers, her hand still running through Zayn's hair. "Let's get you to bed, okay?"

Zayn lifts his head and only then he notices how uncomfortable his neck feels from the position he fell asleep in. He sits up on the couch and blinks the blur away. He remembers cleaning the room from the dust, he remembers the moment when he decided to lay down only for a bit, to rest his eyes. Actually, that's the last thing he remembers. He feels his mother's hands lifting him up gently, helping him to get on the feet.

" 'M sorry." - He shakes his head. "I was cleaning up-"

"Shh." - Tricia places a kiss on her son's forehead. "You're tired, and you didn't have to clean anything, I could do it. Plus, your bruises haven't healed yet."

Of course Zayn hasn't told his mother how he got them and stayed silent when she asked. And she did not press. His mother was a beautiful woman, because she always managed to see and hear through Zayn's silence. 

"Go to bed, mom." - He tells Tricia. "I just-I need to smoke. Okay?"

"Okay, love. Don't stay up late." - She nods. Then she looks once again at her son, with that gaze full of pride and disappears into her room. 

Zayn grabs his hoodie from the couch, wraps himself in it, then puts on the boots and steps outside. He taps his pockets, searching for a lighter. He finds it in the back pocket of his jeans and lights up the cigarette. The poisonous smoke fills up his lungs and he's glad, because it's better than nothing. It's better than his constant emptiness inside of him. He walks out of his yard and strides towards the end of the block. 

He could go back to his room and lay down, probably fall asleep in a minute or two. But this feeling of dullness and numbness won't leave him, and the only solution he can think of is getting some fresh air in the town drowned in night. It has the placebo effect on him - he makes himself believe that it cures Zayn. He walks and walks and walks until his feet start to tremble underneath him and his lungs feel swollen from the cigarette smoke. 

For the whole walk he's been staring down his feet, not once glancing upwards to see where he was heading. And now, when he finally lifted his eyes his breath got caught in his throat. He spots a familiar house, yard and even the small tree-house he used to love years ago. Zayn's head is telling him to spin around and bolt away from this place, as soon as he can. But he can't move. He can't unglue his feet from the ground, so he sits down on the ground, right in front of the house and rests his head in his hands.

He doesn't know what is he doing here. He doesn't know why his mind brought him right to this street, when it's the last place he wishes to be at. But then he hears a entrance door shutting quietly and his heart starts beating like a crazy.

He snaps his head up, praying to God nobody would notice him before he could run. But he knows it's too late when he mets a pair of chocolaty-brown eyes staring down at him. Zayn wants to groan and disappear from embaressment. He wishes the ground beneath his feet would swallow him. Of course, it doesn't happen, and he is forced to sit there, under the familiar swirling gaze.

He waits when the obvious _"what are you doing here?"_ gets asked. But is never does. Instead, he feels how the owner of chocolaty-browns eyes flops beside him and sighs. Zayn drags from his cigarette and tries to imagine he's alone in his house, maybe that would help him to feel less exposed. Once again, it doesn't.

They sit in complete silence for at least ten minutes, until Liam clears his throat.

"You aren't wearing a jacket." - He mumbles, stating the obvious fact. Zayn shrugs in response, even though the cold air is sending shivers down his spine. He won't admit that he's stupid enough to not care about the cold. 

"And you're wearing the pajama bottoms. And slippers." - He answers, never turning his head to face the boy. He hears a soft chuckle.

"Yeah. Well, my house is right in front of me. While yours is at least half a town away."

"It doesn't make you look less stupid."

"Why are you here, Zayn?"

And Zayn doesn't know. He really doesn't, because it was some kind of a reflex for him to just walk straight here. So he doesn't even try to lie.

"I don't know." - He rasps, his voice still hoarse from earlier. "I just needed to get out from house and my feet brought me here, without me noticing or wanting it."

"And I don't know why I've decided to come out to the porch this late, but I did. Only to notice you."

Zayn shrugs once again and throws his cigarette to the ground beside him.

"I should leave." - He says and tries to stand up, but a strong grip on his forearm stops him. His eyes snap up, confusion taking over Zayn's mind.

"Please, don't." - Liam says, _pleads_ even. Zayn blinks at him and sits back to his spot. Liam pulls away instantly, blush rising on his cheeks "I'm sorry, I just-Maybe we could talk?"

"What about?" - Zayn asks curiously.

"Do you still want to be an artist?" - Liam asks suddenly. Zayn lets out a shaky breath, not letting the memories occupy his mind.

"Yeah." - He cracks. "Yeah, I still do. Even more than before, actually." - He chuckles and shakes his head.

"Did you-Um. How did-" - Liam stutters and then cuts himself off.

"Say it."

"Did you tell your father about it?"

Zayn's soul feels heavy. He tries not to flinch, but fails. He remembers the exact moment when he told his father he wanted to be an artist. And he remembers the exact words he told Zayn. He nods slowly, staring down at the ground.

"He wanted me to follow my heart. In every aspect of my life." - He whispers and smiles at the memories.

"I am really sorry, Z." - Liam says quietly and his heart misses a beat from the nickname. 

"It's fine." - He shakes his head and blinks his eyes rapidly to stop the tears. "What about you? Still dreaming about being a teacher?"

Liam smiles and looks down to his hands.

"Yes. But I'm going to be a businessman, like my dad." - He responds sadly. "It's just something that's been decided for me and I'm-I guess I'm okay with it."

"But it's bullshit." - Zayn exclaims suddenly. "You've always wanted to be a teacher, Li. It was your dream!"

"I know, but I need to do what's better for my family."

"No, you need to do what's better for yourself." - Zayn presses.

"Not everyone's families are accepting and understanding." - Liam snaps. He sees the way Zayn's eyes go wide for a second and he instantly regrets his outburst. He opens his mouth to apologize but Zayn's speaks up.

"We made a contract." - He says quietly and the corners of his mouth lift up slightly. "And you've signed it."

"And I've thrown it away." - Liam admits regretfully. Zayn nods with a sad smile.

"I don't blame you. We aren't really friendly towards each-other today." 

Liam stares at the shadows dancing on Zayn's soft features. He stares at the boy's plump lips, long, thick eyelashes and pointy nose. His dark hair is falling down messily to his face and Liam wishes he could just run his hands through his soft curls. _But he's not gay._

"I really should go." - Zayn says. "My mom's gonna be worried-"

"How is she?" - Liam asks. He never thought about how Zayn's family dealt with their loss and tragedy and he feels like a total asshole right now.

"Um, she's-she's on some pills." - Zayn swallows hardly. "They do help, sometimes. Sometimes they don't. It's kind of complicated."

"And girls?"

Zayn stays quiet for a moment, before answering the question.

"They are trying their best." - He smiles at Liam with the same smile he used to flash at him when they were kids. Zayn gets up to his feet and offers his hand to Liam. He helps the boy up and shoves his hands to the pockets. 

"Good night, Li."

Liam stares at the boy hungrily, trying to remember every detail about him.

"Night, Z."

Zayn turns around and walks through the dark night, carrying his thoughts away with him.

__

 

"Have I told you your ass looks great in those pants?"

Zayn rolls his eyes as he walks down the school hallway with his friends.

"Yes, Harry, and stop embarassing me in front of Zayn!"

"Please." - Harry scoffs. "Zayn knows every detail of our relationship, Lou."

"And I've never agreed to that." - Zayn reminds him. "You've just washed the huge wave of information on me without any warning."

"You prick!" - Louis slaps the back of his boyfriend's neck. 

"Come on, don't get angry, love!" - Harry whines.

"Buy me a cupcake in diner and I'll forgive you."

"Okay." - Harry smiles. "Zayn, wanna come along?"

"Nah, I'm good." - Zayn shakes his head. "I'm gonna go sit outside for some time."

He sees his friends disappearing around the corner of the hallway, so he grabs his sketchbook from the bag and strides towards the yard. He finds a quiet place under the huge oak tree and sits down, crossing his legs.

He opens his sketchbook and pulls a pencil out from his pocket. He starts to trace the soft lines on the paper, following the direction of wind. He doesn't really think about what he's going to draw, he just decides to follow his fingers.

He is lost in his thoughts, because he doesn't notice the shade falling down his sketchbook . But then his fingers freeze and he looks up. _And he wants to roll his eyes and sigh._ Sophia is staring down at him with Liam and a few of their minions by her side. She has her arms crossed on her chest as she smirks at Zayn and raises his eyebrow.

"What are you doing, Malik?"

Zayn chooses to ignore her, going back to his sketching, but then a hand grabs his sketchbook from his grip. He jumps to his feet and sees one of Liam's muscular friends holding the notebook in his hand and grinning down at him.

"Give it back." - He hisses.

"Woah, not so fast, faggy." - Sophia snaps. "This is our spot, you stupid prick. You don't have a right to be here."

"This is the school property, not yours." - Zayn mumbles. His eyes meet Liam. who's staring down his feet and avoiding his gaze. Zayn chuckles and shakes his head. "Unbelievable."

"What did you say?" - Sophia presses.

"I said give my notebook back." 

"How about we give you a lesson, Malik."

In a second, a strong pair of hands push him down to the ground. His back meets the bark of the tree painfully and he lets out a groan. 

"You're a piece of trash and that's how you deserve to be treated." - Sophia hisses. She opens the sketchbook then and starts flipping through the pages. Zayn's eyes grow wide, he flies to his feet but once again, the same strong arms stop him from approaching the girl. Thanks God he has never sketched Liam in that notebook.

"Let's see what you've been drawing." - Sophia smirks. "Gotta admit you're not too bad. Sadly nobody will ever need your drawings-"

"Give it to me." - Zayn begs, his voice cracking. "Please- give it-"

"Oh, look, I found some portraits." - Sophia exclaims. "Oh, this is your faggot friend, isn't it?" - She points at the sketch of Harry.

Zayn closes his eyes and lets out a shaky breath.

"This is his boyfriend, another faggot." - She rolls her eyes and flips the page. "Oh. Who's this?"

Zayn hears Liam's quiet gasp.

"Soph, just give it back to him-"

"Wait, baby! I wanna know who this is." - She bents down to be on the same level as Zayn and shows him the sketch. "Who's this, Malik?'

Zayn stares at the familiar, warm gaze. Dark eyelashes, deep eyes and a messy hair. The smile that he's been seeing in his dreams for years. His favorite smile. _Safaa._

"Answer me!"

"Sophia!" - Liam snaps. The girl rolls her eyes and straightens up.

"You know fun, Liam." - She hisses and throws the notebook to Zayn. "Get lost, fag."

Zayn doesn't hesitate for a second. He gathers his belongings quickly and bolts away from the spot. 

He runs and runs until he reaches the backyard, where his smoking spot is. He flops down on the bench and tries to steady his breathing, but fails. The broken sobs gather up in his chest, and his shoulders start to shake as he hides his face in his hands and lets out a whimper.

He hates it. He hates those people, he hates the way they humiliate him. He shouldn't care, but sometimes they overstep the boundaries. He holds the sketchbook closed to his chest as wet sobs wreck his body. He wants to disappear, to no longer exist. He wants to be okay.

He flinches as the pair of warm, strong arms curl around his body. He tears his hands off of his face and looks up.

"No. No, get away from me." - He sobs and tries to push Liam away, who only holds him closer to his warm chest.

"I am sorry." - Liam whispers. "I am so sorry for letting them do this-"

"Don't touch me!" - Zayn sobs and finally manages to pull away from the boy's grip. "You're the same! You're just like them!"

"No, I-"

"Don't you dare to tell me you're any different!" - He whimpers. 

"Zayn." - Liam says his name softly. "Please, let me-"

"I said get away from me." - Zayn hisses and sits away from Liam, to the edge of the bench. He wipes his face with the sleeve of his hoodie. "You're sick, all of you. Bullying makes you feel happy, you're pathetic."

"I'm sorry, Zayn.-"

"What the hell happened to you?" - Zayn asks suddenly, lifting his brown eyes full of tears to look at Liam. "You were-You were _you._ And now you're gone. You're fucking gone."

Liam stays silent, staring down Zayn's eyes.

"I needed you." - Zayn whimpers shakily. "I needed my best friend."

"I couldn't." - Liam admits.

"Why not?!" - Zayn asks as tears slide down his face.

"Because that wasn't right. My feelings were not right." - Liam whispers.

"It wasn't about you or your feelings." - Zayn shakes his head. "It was about me losing the half of my family."

Liam closes his eyes and sighs.

"You're one of them now." - Zayn continues. "You're this popular guy who has a reputation and can't be associated with a piece of trash like me. I get it, but fuck, I still see that little boy in your eyes sometimes."

Liam lets out a shaky breath and tries to blink the tears away.

"I wanna lay where they lay, you know. I wanna be there, instead of Safaa, or my dad. Because they didn't deserve it and maybe I do-"

Zayn gets cut off by the pair of lips falling down on his. He gasps and tries to register what is happening, but when he feels Liam's tongue pushing into his mouth, he lets out a quiet whimper and responds to the kiss hungrily. Liam runs his fingers through his hair and deepens the kiss. Zayn's head starts spinning, because he has never thought about this. He has never imagined this and _God,_ it spins his world upside down.

But Liam pulls away then and stares at Zayn, trying to catch his breath. He presses his forehead to Zayn's and licks his lips.

"Don't you dare to talk like that about yourself." - He whispers shakily. "Not in front of me."

Zayn nods, eyes still squeezed shut. He feels the finger tracing his cheek gently.

"This is so wrong." - Liam continues to whisper. "But feels so right."

"Liam-"

"No, please, just-just let me have this. This moment. Please, don't say anything." - Liam pleads. Zayn stays silent, the only sound escaping him being his ragged breathing.

The bell rings above them and instantly, Zayn feels Liam's touch leaving him. He opens his eyes only to see the back doors of the school shutting behind Liam's back. And once again,he feels used.


	8. Chapter 8

A loud, shattering noise fills up the house.

Zayn shots up in his bed, his heart beating like a hammer. He bolts up to his feet and runs out of his room towards the stairs. He literally flies down them and runs into the living room wearing nothing but his boxers. With his eyes wide, he looks around frantically while trying to catch his breath. He hears a whimper behind his back, coming from somewhere near the couch. He turns around quickly, his eyes growing even wider.

"Mom?!" - He gasps and appears beside his mother in a second. She's kneeled on the floor, hands clutching the broken pieces of something that looks like a glass. Zayn crouches near her and curls his fingers around her wrists. "Mom, what happened?!"

"I-I broke the vase." - She mumbles. "It's okay, I'll take care of it-"

"Mom, you-there's blood everywhere." - Zayn whispers as he spots the ruby-colored spots on the floor and red droplets falling from his mother's hands. "Shit. Fuck-drop it." 

He forces his mother to let the broken glass go and drags her up to her feet. She leans on Zayn's shoulder and whines.

"I'm sorry, Zayn." - She sniffs. "I-I wanted to put some flowers-"

"Shh, it's okay, mom. Come on, let's get you to the bathroom." - He shushes her. 

Zayn leads his mother to the bathroom, locking the door behind them in case any of girls wake up. He sits her down on the toilet seat and pulls the first aid kit from the drawer. 

"It's gonna burn a little." - He warns as he downs the rubbing alcohol on her hands. His mother lets out a quiet whimper and flinches from the pain. "That's it."

He gently bandages her palms afterwards and kneels in front of her. Concern is eating Zayn alive as he stares at his mother and traces her knuckled with his thumb. The woman sighs and places a kiss on her son's forehead.

"I am sorry." - She breaths.

"Don't." - Zayn shakes his head. He sits down on the bathroom tiles and sighs. "I'm glad I woke up."

"I am sorry for being a horrible mother." - Tricia whispers. "For being so-so messed up and unstable and-"

"Hey, no. No, mom." - Zayn cuts her off. "You're a wonderful mother. Everyone can be a bit messed up, that's fine. I mean, look at me, I'm a walking mess."

Tricia chuckles and runs a bandaged hair through her son's raven hair. 

"You're beautiful, Zayn." - She whispers, her eyes soft and caring. "You remind me of him so much."

Zayn swallows hardly and tries to smile at her. She's still staring at him with a gaze full of love when he gets up from the floor and reaches a hand for his mother.

"Come on, mom. Let's go to bed."

__

"You look like a shit." 

"Thanks, Louis." - Zayn rolls his eyes as he flops down the chair beside his friends. He knows he looks wrecked, he spotted the dark circles under his eyes and the mop of messy hair on his head this morning, be he can't care less. He couldn't get much sleep last night, he spent every minute lying in his bed and worrying about his mother's well being. He drapes a hood over his hair and burns his head in his arms when the bell rings. 

He can hear the teacher's mumble coming from somewhere too far from his mind. He wishes he could fall asleep right there, thinking about nothing and caring about nothing. But he can't, and that's why he feels a light nudge on his shoulder and lifts his head.

"Don't sleep." - Harry whispers. "You don't want another detention."

Zayn sighs and sits up in his chair. He doesn't look into the direction where he knows Liam is sitting. He simply doesn't have enough nerves for that. He spends the whole hour staring at the wall in front of him and as soon as the bell rings, he grabs his bag and strides out of the classroom without glancing back, ignoring Harry calling his name.

He walks down the hall, barely awake. He's about to pass the bathroom when he feels a strong arm curling around his wrist and literally dragging him into the bathroom Zayn lets out a yelp and tries to free himself, but his back meets the cold bathroom tiles and he realizes he's being pinned to the wall.

"Let me go-"

"Shh, it's me." - He hears a hush. Zayn opens his eyes (he doesn't remember closing them) and is met with a pair of brown, pretty eyes. "I'm sorry, I just need to talk to you."

Liam drops his hands from Zayn's shoulders and the boy uses the moment to push Liam's chest slightly.

"Don't touch me." - Zayn hisses. 

Liam looks hurt for a second, his eyes filling up with regret and sadness. He shakes his head and sighs.

"I know I've fucked up. I just-Look." - He steps forward and stares down Zayn's eyes. "I'm scared, okay? It's-I never planned on kissing you and-"

"Do you think I've planned on doing that?" - Zayn spits. "You kissed me and you fucking ran away. I sat there for the whole fucking day!"

"And I am sorry. I really am." - Liam nods. "But-Zayn, I can't, okay? It's wrong and it's-it's-"

"Gay?" - Zayn raises his eyebrow. The boy in front of him gulps and nods weakly. Zayn laughs and shakes his head. "Pathetic."

"Promise me you won't tell anyone." - Liam blurts suddenly. 

Zayn feels as if the ground has disappeared under his feet. His soul feels heavy from the words. Why? He saw this coming, didn't he?

"Fuck you." - He manages to whisper and pushes past Liam towards the door.

"Please!" - Liam pleads. Zayn looks into his puppy-eyes full of fear and he wishes he could punch Liam. _But he can't._

"Don't worry, Liam." - He says sternly. "I won't tell anyone about your little experiment."

"It wasn't-"

Zayn opens the bathroom door and steps out, leaving Liam's words behind him.

__

He chugs down the eighth (maybe ninth) shot of vodka and squeezes his eyes as the burning sensation fills up his throat. He puts the glass down to the table and tries to get away from Niall's grip, who has his arm slang over his shoulder.

"One more!" - The Irish boy exclaims, but Zayn shakes his head and wiggles out from his touch.

" 'M gonna go get some fr-resh air-r." - He slurs and tries to walk towards the door. Tries, because the world around him is spinning violently. He can't remember why he decided to show up at Niall's party. Probably because he heard the words _alcohol_ and _weed_. He stumbles through the crowd, trying to block the loud music out from his hearing. 

"Zaynie's smashed!" - He hears Louis' loud, cheerful voice. The boy has his arm curled around Harry's wrists as the dance to the beat of music. Zayn smiles at them and lifts his thumbs up. _At least they're having a good time._

He walks up to the door and is about to open it when he hears a deep voice behind him.

"Going home already?"

Zayn turns around and is met with one of Liam's minions. He rolls his eyes and tries to open the door again, but the sudden grip on his hand stops him.

"I've asked a question."

"Lem'me go." 

"I've never seen you at the parties before." - The boy mumbles and steps forward into Zayn's private space. "Gotta admit you look hot tonight."

"What th-the fuck?!" - Zayn curses. "You're fucking flir-rting with me?!"

"Shut your whore mouth." - The guy growls and pins Zayn to the wall. "I'm not a faggot like you. I just like the way you smell tonight-"

"Get away fr-rom me." - Zayn fights, but the alcohol is messing up his coordination and movements.

"And what if I don't?"

"Then I'll have to break your nose and exclude you from the football team." - An annoyed voice near them responds. Zayn recognizes the voice instantly and rolls his eyes mentally. _He didn't sign up for this._

"Liam, mate!" - The guy lets Zayn's arms go in a second. "I was just fooling with the faggot."

"Get lost, Pete." - Liam spits and grabs Zayn's hand, tugging him out from the house.

The hit of fresh and cold air makes Zayn's head spin faster, he stumbles almost on ever step. Liam's grip is strong, it keeps him up on his feet, or he would probably end up face down on the ground. They stop on the porch stairs and Zayn flops down on them, closing his eyes.

"You didn't h-have to-"

"You're drunk. And not capable of taking care of yourself." - Liam states. 

"What-Whatver. I'm not your pity c-case, even though you keep saving m-me. How do you al-lways manage to find me wherever I go?!" - Zayn slurs and pulls out a cigarette. 

"I'm gonna take you home." - Liam ignores his words. Zayn throws his head back from laughter.

"No. You're g-gonna go back to the par-rty and mind your own business, which doesn't in-nclude me."

"Zayn-"

"Fuck off, _Li._ " - Zayn shakes his head, his voice sounding too sad for his own liking. He feels the other boy sitting down beside him and sighs.

"Do you hate me?" - Liam asks quietly. Zayn turns his gaze to look at the boy.

He's wearing a bright, red hoodie and the ripped jeans that make his ass look fine as hell. His hair is grown from the buzzed look to the small, soft curls. He's looking at Zayn with sad eyes and lost expression. The raven-haired boy averts his gaze and sighs once again.

"I could never." - He admits. "Trust me, I've tried."

He hears Liam breathing out with relief.

"You know.. I am really sorry for treating you this way." - The boy whispers. "I'm just-I'm lost, Z. I don't know what I feel and if it's right to-"

"If it feels right, then it's fucking right." - Zayn snaps. He lights up the cigarette and inhales.

"Those are gonna kill you one day." - Liam quotes himself and nods towards Zayn's fingers.

"I know." - Zayn nods. 

"Are you okay?" - Liam asks suddenly. "You look-um. You look kinda-"

"Like a shit?" - Zayn remembers Louis' comment. He smirks when Liam tries to protest. "I'm fine. Just some stuff at home. Not your concern."

"Z,-"

"No, Liam." - Zayn gets up from the porch and tries not to stumble. "You've made up your mind. So fucking stick to that."

"I'm confused, okay?" - Liam follows him up. "I don't-I can't risk everything."

"You mean your reputation? Your shitty minions?" - Zayn spits. "Yeah. 'Cause I'm not fucking worth that, am I?"

"I didn't-"

"I have to go find Harry and get him home." - Zayn cuts him off, feeling more sober than before. "Stay away from me, Liam. 'Cause next time I won't hesitate to break your pretty nose. I may not be able to fight Tom back, but I'm sure as hell know how to beat your ass up."

He slaps himself mentally for the word _pretty_ as he pushes through the doors and walks back into the house.

"Why do you always keep running away from me?!" - He hears Liam's voice catching up with him.

"Guess. Maybe you annoy me?" - Zayn shrugs as he continues to walk.

"I'm trying to talk to you-"

"It's useless!" - Zayn stops and turns around to face Liam. "You're you and I'm me! We have nothing to talk about!"

"But-"

"Hey, fag! Get away from my boyfriend!" - The loud voice chimes in. 

"Perfect." - Zayn rolls his eyes as Sophia comes to stand beside Liam.

"What the hell are you doing?" - She asks Liam. The boy looks lost for a moment, but then he regains his facade back and clears his throat.

"Just getting some things clear with Za- _him._ " - He explains. "You should go grab some drinks-"

"What's your problem, fag?! Do you have a fucking crush on Liam?" - Sophia hisses.

Zayn chuckles at this.

"No, I would never compete _you,_ Sara."

"It's Sophia, you prick!" - She snaps. "Liam, take care of him."

"Yeah, come on, _Liam_." - Zayn nods. "Come on, take care of me."

Liam's standing frozen, probably shocked from the way Zayn's speaking. 

"Liam! Punch him, or I swear I will!" - Sophia shrieks.

His hands ball in fists and Zayn's eyes fall down on them. He gulps and lifts his eyes to look at Liam's face.

"Come on, then." - He whispers. "Hit me."

Liam's still not moving and the rage is filling Zayn up.

"Hit me, Liam!" - He shouts and steps forward towards the boy. "Hit me! Make me fucking feel something!"

"Liam!" - Sophia screams when she sees Zayn approaching.

Suddenly, there's something warm tickling down Zayn's chin. He feels the hard floor appearing underneath him. He blinks as he realizes he's fallen down and lifts his fingers shakily to touch his face. He stares down at them and opens his mouth from shock. _Blood._ That's when he feels the piercing pain in his nose. Zayn lifts his eyes to look at the pair.

Sophia has a proud smirk on her face as she turns around and stomps away. Liam's staring down at Zayn with his eyes wide and mouth slack. The regret is written all over his face. His knuckles are red from the punch. 

Zayn can't breath suddenly. The air is getting too heavy and _he needs to get out of here._ He scribbles up to his feet, still not being able to breath properly. He looks around, ignoring Liam's concerned and pained expression, and spots the familiar mop of curls in the corner.

"Haz!" - He tries to shout, but his voice cracks. But it manages to reach Harry, because the boy turns his head and instantly, the smile is wiped off his face. He appears near Zayn in a second, gently touching his face.

"Baby, what the fuck-what happened?!" - He asks.

"Take me out of here." - Zayn pleads quietly as he clutches on Harry's arms. "Please just-get me out of this place. Take me to mum. I need to-I need to get home."

Harry nods and wraps an arms around the boy's thin shoulders. He calls something to Louis, who's standing near the bar, something Zayn can't understand because Liam is still staring at him. Zayn sees the way his body is shaking, he sees the tears on the boy's cheeks. But he doesn't care. Not anymore.

Harry takes his hand then and leads him towards the door. Only then Liam opens his mouth to say something.

"Zayn-"

Zayn blocks his voice out from his mind and lets himself be dragged after Harry. The worst part is - _he still doesn't feel anything._


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> too much punching for one book? no, i don't think so

"I still don't understand how you manage to get the new ones every time I see you." - Donya narrows her eyes and nods towards the cut on Zayn's nose. _From Liam's punch._ Zayn drapes the hood over his head and hides the face away from his sister. 

"No, seriously,-" - She presses, her voice turning into a whisper when their mother passes the table they're sitting around. "Do you have like, enemies or something? Are you selling drugs? Are you a criminal-"

"Shut up, will ya?" - Zayn hisses. "It's nothing, drop the subject."

"But-"

Zayn glares at his sister and forces her to shut the mouth tightly. She frowns and starts playing with the strings of her hoodie, avoiding Zayn's gaze. The boy rolls his eyes at this and gets up from his seat.

"I'm going out." - He says.

"But I was baking a cake for you!" - Tricia gasps. Zayn turns around to face his mother. He approaches her and wipes the floor from her cheek with his thumb.

"Leave some for me. Need some fresh air." - He says, flashing a fake smile at her. The woman nods and goes back to the baking process. 

"Put the beanie on, it's cold outside!" - She calls, but only gets a sound of the front door shutting as a response.

__

His knees hit the cold asphalt painfully. The boy groans and rolls on his back, eyes squeezed shut. His skateboard rolls a few meters away on the pavement and stops. He puts a cigarette between his lips with a trembling hand and sighs. The pain in his knees is thumping, he doesn't want to look down because he knows the probable sight he'll be met with. Instead, Zayn inhales the cigarette smoke and continues laying on the ground. 

He loves Sunday mornings. The skate-parks are empty and abandoned, perfect for him to occupy. The cold ground is sending shivers down his spine, but he likes the sensation. It makes him feel alive. It makes him _feel._

Zayn thinks he's pathetic. He thinks he depends too much on the world around him. He wants to not give a single fuck about anything, but, for some reason, he cares about everything at once. He cares about his mother's restless nights, about Donya's failed tests and Waliyah's scraped knees from falling from the bike. He cares about Harry's drunk nights and Louis' concerned thoughts when he can't reach Harry's phone. He cares about his teacher's divorce and his neighbor's lost cat. He cares about abandoned treehouse on the other side of the town and he cares about the lost friend. He cares about everyone and everything, except himself. 

Even with the closed eyes he can feel a shadow casting over him. He peeks through one eye.

"Somebody could run you over with a skateboard." 

"No one comes here on Sundays." - Zayn shrugs. Harry has his hands shoved into the pockets as he stares down at his friend.

"That's how I knew you'd be here." - He mumbles and sits down on pavement,beside Zayn. 

Zayn stays silent. He sits up and looks at Harry. 

Has he ever mentioned that Harry is beautiful? Because he is. But Zayn might never say it to him. His soft, brown curls are falling down the hazel eyes, framed with long eyelashes. His skin is soft and he has those damned dimples every time he smiles. _Fucking dimples,_ what else needs to be said? Louis is a lucky bastard.

"You okay?" - Harry asks as he pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "I mean, since Nialler's party-"

"I'm fine." - Zayn nods sternly. He hands a lighter to his friend and waits while Harry lights the cigarette.

"You haven't told me where you got the-you know." - Harry points to his nose, meaning Zayn's cut, and hands the lighter back.

"Doesn't matter." - Zayn answers. 

"You in trouble?" - Harry asks, his voice low and full of concern.

"No, mate." - The raven-haired boy smiles and pats his friend's shoulder. " 'M fine."

"Good." - The curly lad smiles back. "Do you think it will rain?"

"Probably." - Zayn hums. 

"We should head back." 

"Probably."

__

"-and she was like "do you even consider putting me into the team" and I was like "nope!" Because, God, she's an unskilled bitch. Liam?1"

Liam blinks at his girlfriend in front of him, who has her arms crossed on the chest. _Mondays are worst. Sophia collects the stories to tell through the weekend._

"Are you even listening to me?!"

"I-Of course. Yeah, I am." - Liam nods. 

"Okay. So, I was saying-" - Sophia continues rambling, waving her hands in front of her face, telling stories Liam doesn't give a single damn about. His eyes flicker to the other side of the yard, to the huge oak tree. He sees the figures in the shadow on the said tree. Familiar figures. 

Harry's back is leaning on the tree. He runs his fingers through Zayn's hair. The boy's head is resting in Harry's lap as he speaks about something Liam can't understand. _Suddenly, he wishes he was Harry._

"You coming?" - He hears a high-pitched voice.

"Where?" - He asks his girlfriend.

"Maths? Jesus, what's the matter with you?" - The girl furrows her eyebrows and walks away, leaving Liam glued to the spot. His eyes go back to the scene he was staring at before. He finds Zayn alone under the tree and spots Harry disappearing through the entrance door. And he thinks that's his chance.

He has been going crazy for the last couple of days. The look of hurt and betrayal in Zayn's eyes is something he couldn't manage to shake off from his thoughts. He made a mistake. A huge mistake and he probably didn't deserve another chance. But he needed the olive-skinned, raven-haired, honey-eyed boy back in his life and he didn't want to know why. He was scared to know.

He walks towards the tree, his throat feels dry and chest heavy from nerves. _Please, look at me. Please, look at me._ His mantra gets cut off when he stands in front of the boy and Zayn lifts his eyes to look at him.

His stomach drops. He spots the small cut on Zayn's nose and he wants to punch himself. Liam gulps and opens his mouth to say something, but Zayn shuts the sketchbook he's been holding in his hands and starts gathering his stuff.

"No, no, please don't leave!" - Liam manages to whimper. Zayn lifts an eyebrow and stares at him curiously. "Just give me a minute. Please?"

The boy looks at him for a moment and continues to collect his things. He gets up on his feet and pushes past Liam.

"I'm sorry!" - Liam calls, causing Zayn to freeze on the spot. "I am really sorry, Zayn. I know I don't deserve your time or-or forgiveness, but-I fucked up. I know I did, okay?  
And I haven't stopped thinking about it since it happened. God, I'm such a dick. You did nothing to deserve it and I-I'm a prick. I ruin everything, all the time. I'm so stupid, I care about wrong things and I-fuck. I don't even know what to say."

Liam breathes heavily and stares at the way Zayn's shoulders are tensing. He wants to add something, but he can't think of any words. So he stands there, waiting for any kind of response. 

But then Zayn shakes his head and takes another step away from Liam. Liam's heart starts beating faster.

"I like you, Zayn."

 _Shit._ Liam clasps a hand over his mouth. How does he return the words back to his mouth? Somebody, google it, fast! He wants to disappear, he wishes the ground would crack open underneath him and would swallow his stupid ass. He sees Zayn flinching from the words. _But he stops walking. That's some progress, right?_

Zayn turns around slowly, his head tilted to the side and brows knitted togetehr from surprise. He takes a few steps to approach Liam, whose heart is now beating to the beat of some hard rock music. He stares up at Liam for a second, with his eyes expressionless. Liam smiles at him, wishing a single smile could turn things okay. It always works with Sophia, so-

A fist collides with Liam's cheek harshly before he can do or say anything. He stumbles back and clutches to the side of his face. His wide eyes look at Zayn, who's shaking his head and staring at him furiously.

"Fuck you!" - The boy spits before turning around and walking away, leaving Liam with a stinging cheek, wide eyes and a broken heart. _He could never predict Zayn's actions. The boy always messed with Liam's mind._

"I deserved it." - Liam whispers and nods to himself, his eyes squeezing shut from the pain. _"Yeah, I definitely deserved it."_


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aw?

"We got a call from school this morning." - Liam's father says suddenly. They are sitting beside the kitchen table, having a dinner peacefully, or so Liam thought. Because he can clearly see the anger on his father's face, and now he understands why the man has been quiet for the whole evening.

"What did they say?" - He asks, trying to sound calm. 

He knows his grades have dropped. He can't blame it on something on somebody, his mind has been occupied with other thoughts this couple of weeks and that obviously affected his marks. He even had to copy the history homework from Sophia, and that has never happened before.

"Your grades have worsened, Liam." - The man says. "I thought we had a deal. You keep your grades high so you can get to the best colleges."

"I know." - Liam sighs. "I-I just got stressed and couldn't catch up with-"

"I don't care, Liam." - His father cuts him off harshly. 

"Geoff." - Liam's mother calls her husband with a soft voice, trying to cut the tension.

"No, Karen. We've talked about this." - The man shakes his head and glares at his son. Liam is staring down ar his fingers, avoiding his father's gaze. "Ivy League, Liam. The best colleges are out there, waiting for you and you're doing what? Dropping your grades in the beginning of the year?! I will not tolerate with laziness in this house. Your sisters are studying in the best universities of the country and you know it. You know what we expect from you."

"Dad, I think he got the point." - Ruth chimes in, looking straight into the man's eyes. "He will study better, right, Liam?"

Liam opens his mouth to say something, but his vocal chords betray him. He can't manage to say a word in his defense.

"I'm warning you, Liam," - Geoff hisses, pointing a finger to his son. "You're expected to be a great man. Don't ruin it with your laziness."

The plate in front of Liam becomes blurry from the tears gathered up in his eyes. He hears how the chair is being pushed away and his father gets up from the table. The man mumbles a quiet _"thanks"_ to his wife and walks out of the kitchen. Liam can hear his blood boiling, because _he doesn't fucking deserve this._ He's been living by his father's expectations his whole life and he doesn't deserve these words. He feels Karen's soft hand touching his shoulder sympathetically.

"He's been stressed at the job, honey." - The woman whispers gently. 

But Liam shakes his head furiously, with tears streaming down his face. He gets up from the table and runs towards the entrance door, ignoring his sister's calls on his way. He bolts out of the house and runs. He runs with no destination, he simply follows his legs, wherever they take him.

__

 

"I still don't get it." - Donya whines. She stares up at her brother with her doe eyes.

"Seriously?" - Zayn sighs with annoyance. "Okay, I'll repeat once again, but listen carefully this time, yeah? Any right triangle has two sides touching the right angle: these are called legs. The longest side, always opposite the right angle, is called the hypotenuse, okay?"

"Okay." - The girl nods.

"So, the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides." - Zayn draws a small triangle on the paper and writes down the formula underneath it.

"Oh, I get it now!" - Donya exclaims and claps her hands.

"Finally! And whose theorem is that?" - Zayn asks, raising his eyebrow and staring at her hopefully.

"Um.. Caesar's?" - The girl answers quietly.

Zayn groans and drops head into his hands. A sudden knock on the door saves his nerves and he has never been so happy to willingly open the door.

"I'll get it!" - He jumps to his feet and walks towards the door. "Just draw the types of triangles that we've learned and I'll check it, yeah?"

"And what about my history assignment?" - He hears Waliyah's voice calling from the living room.

"Just fucking google the World War II, for God's sake!" - Zayn yells and opens the door annoyed.

His heart drops into his stomach from the sight he's met with. He sees tears paths smeared on the familiar face, red, shimmering eyes and messy hair. He sees bitten raw lips and red, sniffy nose. He stares with his mouth opened and eyes wide at Liam, unable to move from shock and surprise.

" 'M Sorry." - The boy whispers, his eyes looking away from Zayn. "I-I didn't know where else to go."

Zayn is still staring at him, his fingers gripping the door handle painfully, knuckles turning white from the pressure. Liam seems to notice Zayn's surprised expression and takes a few steps back.

"I'll go, I'm sorry I've disturbed you." - He says quietly and sniffs. "I shouldn't have-"

"Liam." - Zayn finally finds a courage to crack some words. 

Liam looks up at him. His eyes hold so much pain and fear that Zayn suddenly wants to disappear and never see the hurt in Liam's gaze again.

"Come in." - He opens the door widely and steps to the side. "It's fucking freezing out there."

Liam hesitates for a second, but then steps into the house and lets Zayn shut the door behind him. He stands in the hallway awkwardly, shaking from the cold ( _or maybe from something else._ ) Zayn grabs his hand and leads him to the kitchen.

"Sit down, I'll prepare something to drink." - He says softly before disappearing behind the counter. Liam flops down the chair. He feels the pair of curious eyes staring up at him from the other side of the room. He shuffles in the seat and sniffs quietly.

"Hi." - A quiet voice calls him. Liam looks to the side and finally meets the owner of the curious gaze.

"Hey." - He tries to smile at the tiny girl, who's sitting on the chair and staring up at him. "You must be Waliyah."

"I'm Donya." - The girl frowns and shakes her head. "I'm way prettier that Waliyah."

"Manners, young lady!" - Zayn's loud voice calls. Donya rolls her eyes at this.

"Nice to meet you, Donya. I'm Liam." - He reaches a hand towards the girl. Her small fingers curl around his hand and shake it.

" _The_ Liam? As, Zayn's ex-best friend Liam?"

Liam's cheeks become red as his eyes fall down to the floor.

"Donya!" - Zayn hisses when he walks back to the table with the cup of hot chocolate in his hands.

"Whaat?!" - The girl whines.

"Get lost." - Her brother orders. "Go help Waliyah with her assignment."

"Rude." - The girl pouts, but follows Zayn's order and disappears from the room in a second.

"Sorry about that." - Zayn places the drink on the table and scratches his neck awkwardly. "They are complete sociopaths."

"And so are you." - Liam says and tries to stop himself from smiling, but fails as he sees Zayn's brows knitting together from confusion.

"I feel attacked." - Zayn says dramatically and crushes down on the chair beside Liam. He clears his throat and leans forward, his face inches away from Liam's. "Are you gonna tell me what happened?"

Liam gulps and looks away. He feels exposed under Zayn's gaze and there's nowhere he can run from it.

"It's just-My dad. He got a call from the school about my grades dropping and-" - His voice starts to shake before he can finish his sentence. Suddenly, he feels a warm touch on his hand and glances down to see Zayn's long, thin fingers curling around his wrist. He looks up and meets Zayn's soft smile. His stomach does the _flipping_ thing and he feels strange about it.

"It's okay." - Zayn says quietly. "This house has always been your safe place, hasn't it?"

Liam's eyes fill up with tears once again, and before he can stop himself he starts sobbing like a small child without any reason. Instantly, he feels long arms locking around his shaking frame and his face meets a warm chest with a familiar scent he remembers from his childhood.

"I am so sorry." - He lets out a wet sob and buries his face deeper into Zayn's chest. "I've ruined everything. I'm so sorry-"

"Shh, it's okay, babe." - Zayn shushes him. "You haven't ruined anything."

"I've ruined us." - Liam presses, ignoring the way his heart jumped from the nickname. "I've-I've lost my only friend-"

"You didn't lose me." - The smaller boy shakes his head. "I'm here, ain't I? I'm always here."

"You are." - Liam sobs. "You-You really are."

"Look at me." - Zayn whispers and Liam pulls away to meet the boy's gaze. Zayn's head-spinning honey-colored eyes calm the rage in Liam's chest, as always. He breaths out shakily and steadies his breathing, sobs finally dying in his lungs. Zayn wipes a tear-path with his thumb gently and smiles at Liam.

"You're okay." - He whispers. "And now, I am going to take you to my room and we are going to build a shelter from blankets and pillows, the one that will protect us from everyone and everything. _Because-"_

__

__

_"-Because even the most evil aliens are afraid of our shelter."_ \- Liam finishes the rule they've set years ago.

Zayn smiles at him and nods.

"And you remember the most important detail of building a perfect shelter?" - Zayn asks and raises his eyebrow, challenging Liam.

"There must be at least one pillow from the living room couch." - Liam whispers, one single tear rolling down his cheek.

"Just like Baba has taught us." - Zayn grins. He grabs Liam's hand and drags him up to his feet. "Let's go, then. Let's build a safe-shelter, Mr. Superman."


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything is going well for once.
> 
> you could even say - _too well._ ta dada daam.

"I've watched Age of Ultron eighteen times." - Zayn confesses. 

They are laying down on the floor, in a shelter built from blankets and pillows. The room is lit with a small lamp beside the bed, adding coziness to the atmosphere. Liam blinks at the raven-haired boy's confession and tries to stop a smile from appearing on his lips.

"I've seen it ten times." - He admits quietly. Zayn lets out a small laugh and shakes his head.

"I won." - He mumbles. "Have you watched _"Iron Man"_ since-you know, since _us?_ "

Liam swallows thickly and shakes his head.

"No. That was our movie. I would never."

"Yeah." - Zayn adds. "You-You should text your mom. She must be worried."

"Already did."

"Oh. Okay."

The room drowns in silence for the next couple of moments. Liam wants to burst in tears, to scream apologies and _"sorry"_ -s to Zayn, but he can't find enough strength in himself. Instead, he stares at the boy beside him and wishes he could turn back time and prevent everything from happening.

"Do you regret it?" - Zayn asks suddenly. "Avoiding me."

"Every day." - Liam confesses. 

"But you still do it in school." - The boy continues. "Because you have a reputation. And I- _I'm me._ "

"No-"

"Yes." - Zayn cuts him off. There's no anger in his voice. There's understanding, but no anger. And Liam hates it. "I get it, I don't blame you, Li."

"But you should." - Liam presses. He leans on his elbows and stares down at the boy. "I've hurt you. Fuck, Z, I've ignored you for years. And you needed me."

"I did." - Zayn whispers, his eyes avoiding Liam. "Maybe I still do."

Liam feels his heart swelling from the words. He leans down and places a small kiss on the boy's lips. There's no passion, no lust. The kiss is more like a promise. Promise that everything will change. Zayn's eyelashes flutter and he lifts his gaze at Liam.

"I'm not leaving you. Never again." - Liam whispers. 

"Never again." - Zayn confirms.

They fall asleep in the shelter, Liam's arms strongly secured around Zayn's frame as the warmth covered their bodies. The room was quiet, with the most important words hanging in the air.

_I forgive you._

___

"Are you sure you want to come with me to school?" - Zayn asks once again as he throws a bag over his shoulder. They are standing in the hallway, already dressed and getting ready for school. Liam nods sternly and smiles.

"Yes, I am."

"Okay." - Zayn gulps. "Let's go. _Girls!_ "

"Coming!" - They hear a cheerful voice as they walk towards the car. Zayn crashes down on the driver's seat and waits for his sisters and Liam to fit into the car. 

"Seatbelt on. Windows up." - Zayn announces when everyone finally sits down. "And girls, please, don't crush Liam."

"I'm fine." - Liam whines. But he's not fine. He's pressed into the backseat between the two girls, but he tries to smile and lift a thumb up at Zayn, who smirks and shakes his head.

"Let's go then."

They drive for ten minutes in complete silence, awkwardness hanging in the air like it belongs there. Liam tries to look at the road, but his eyes manages to always end up staring at Zayn. Donya has already caught him two times and nudged his side him painfully. They turn down the road and stop in front of the small house. In a minute, the entrance door of the house shuts and Liam catches a sight of tall, curly boy walking towards the car. Anxiety wakes up in his chest. _This isn't going to end well._

Harry flops down on the front seat and places a wet kiss on Zayn's cheek, which the boy wipes away instantly. The curly boy then turns on the radio and looks back to greet the girls. His smile drops the second he notices Liam squeezed on the backseat.

"Hi." - Liam grits and smiles awkwardly. Harry's expressionless green eyes swirl holes at him for a moment, but then the boy looks at Zayn with a raised eyebrow.

"There's something strange on the backseat." - He says with his voice low and hoarse, which sends shivers down Liam's spine.

"Harry, meet Liam." - Zayn's eyes are locked on the road as he mumbles the words. 

"I know who that is." - Harry growls. "The fucking bully."

"Manners." - Zayn says sternly. "Liam is a friend now. I don't care if you don't like him. So shut up, or walk to school. Your choice."

Harry crosses his arms on his chest and frowns. For the whole ride he sends glares and death threats towards Liam from the mirror, but Liam tries to avoid the boy's eyes and looks out of the window. 

They finally stop in the parking lot and Harry is first to jump out of the car, shutting the door loudly behind him.

"Hey!" - Zayn yells as he gets out of the car. "What the fuck?!"

"What the fuck?! You're asking me?!" - Harry growls. He runs a hand through his curls and stares at Zayn. "What, you two are friends now?!"

"First of all - don't fucking yell at me." - Zayn takes a few steps forward, approaching Harry. "And second - even if he is, what's your problem?"

"Maybe the fact that he used to bully and fucking kick you like a lost puppy?" - Harry shouts.

"He used to be my friend, Harry."

"Used to be - key phrase. Now he's just a bully who keeps his stupid friend close to himself and doesn't care about anything else." - Harry throws his arms in the air from anger. "And you're stupid enough to buy his bullshit!"

"He's not a fucking bully!"

"Um-I'm here, actually." - Liam reminds them quietly. Harry glares at him, eyes full of fury and hate. Liam shuffles in place and tries to cut the tension. "I'm sorry for the confusion I've caused-"

"Oh, don't play the innocent angel here." - Harry scoffs. "He may believe that mask, but I clearly don't."

"There's nothing to apologize for, Liam." - Zayn assures him. 

"Harry." - Liam steps towards the curly boy slowly. "You are right. I've been a shitty person and treated Zayn horribly. And I am sorry for that, truly am. I think I don't deserve a chance from him, I really do. The only thing I deserve is a punch from both of you.-"

"Yes, you fucking do." - Harry spits.

"But I care about Zayn." - Liam continues. "He used to be my first real friend. And I won't hurt him again, I promise you that."

"You better not." - Harry nods. "Because I may look a fucking fairy, but trust me - my punches are really painful." - With these words, Harry turns around on his heel and storms towards the school without glancing back. 

"Did he just really say that he looks like a fairy?" - Zayn's confused voice asks from behind Liam's back. Liam laughs and throws an arm over the boy's shoulders.

"Yeah, I think he did."

__

Lima is walking down the school hallway when he meets the person he tried to avoid the most. The snaky smirk is flashed at him and a high-pitched voice asks loudly.

"Where were you last night?"

"Out." - He answers calmly. Sophia narrows her eyes and scoffs.

"Excuse me? Where exactly?"

"Just out." - Liam shrugs and tries to walks past her.

"Are you going to explain why are you behaving like a dick?" - The girl asks, following him through the hallway.

"Nope." - Liam answers and smiles. 

"What the fuck, Liam?!" - Sophia shrieks and tugs his arms to stop him from walking. "I'm your girlfriend for fuck's sake. I need some clarity."

"Okay, how's this - you're a snake, a bitch, a fucking pain in the ass and you annoy the hell out of me." - Liam admits, smile still plastered on his face as he sees how Sophia's features twist from anger. "Enough of clarity?"

"Fuck you!" - She pushes the boy's chest. "You're not getting away with this, Payne. And you're not fucking dumping me!"

Sophia storms away, leaving Liam laughing near the lockers. Liam laughs, and _God, this feels right._ He leans with his back on the lockers and tries to catch his breath.

"What the hell was that?" - A voice beside him asks with an Irish accent.

"I think I've just lost my girlfriend." - Liam laughs. 

"Your girlfriend, as the girl whom your family adores and you were supposed to marry after graduating?"

"Yeah,that one." 

"And you're laughing." - Niall states.

"Yeah." - Liam nods.

The blonde guy stares at his friend for a moment, then shrugs and bites down the sandwich he's been holding. 

"Whatever." - He says with his mouth full. "Want a sandwich?"

"Yes." 

"Go get one. Niall doesn't share food."


	12. Chapter 12

"So are you really going to ignore me for the rest of our lives?"

Harry lifts his eyes from the ground, the sun's reflection making them even more green and colorful. He raises an eyebrow and stares up at Zayn.

"Maybe I am. Why do you care? You clearly have found a new friend to replace me with."

Zayn laughs at this and shakes his head. This is a side of Harry he hasn't seen yet, and it seemed quiet interesting. Jealous Harry. He sits down on the grass beside Harry and pulls out the pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He hands one to Harry and the boy takes it with no hesitation. They smoke in complete silence for couple of minutes before Harry speaks up again.

"So Liam Payne, huh?"

"Haz." - Zayn rolls his eyes. "Are we seriously going to talk about that?"

"Yes, Zayn." - Harry answers. "You are my best friend and I think I kinda deserve an explanation."

"We've just decided it was stupid to play the enemies when we clearly have nothing to hate each other for." - Zayn shrugs. "I mean-we used to be friends a few years ago. And then a lot of misunderstandings happened and-"

"Okay, I get it." - Harry cuts him off suddenly. Zayn blinks at his friend with a confused expression.

"You get what?"

"This." - Harry points at Zayn. "You have a crush."

"What?!" - Zayn chokes, his eyes growing wide. "Don't be stupid, I don't have a crush! What am I, 13-year-old girl?!"

"That's exactly who you are." - Harry drags from his cigarette and ignores Zayn's annoyed whine. "Whatever, Z. Please, just be careful. I don't want to break his pretty little face, yeah?"

"You won't. 'Cause I don't have a fucking crush." - Zayn repeats and looks away from Harry. He spots Liam chatting with Niall near the school entrance and some strange feeling fills him up. Some warm, strange, cheesy feeling.

"Yeah, go on, eye-fuck him in front of me and then deny your obvious crush." - Harry's scoff snaps him out of his thoughts. He nudges Harry's shoulder weakly and shakes his head.

_He doesn't have a stupid crush._

__

"What are you going to tell your parents?" - Niall asks, his back leaning at the bricked wall of the school.

"About?"

"Sophia." - The blonde boy adjusts sunglasses on his nose and crosses arms on his chest. "You know they adore her."

"Whatever, man." - Liam shrugs and puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "I don't think they'll care that much."

"You know them, Liam. They care even when there's nothing to care about."

"Look, I'll deal with it, yeah?" - Liam mumbles. "I don't want to be with her. She's-She's a really moody person and I don't think I want to spend my life with her."

"You know I always thought she was too boring for ya." - Niall grins. " 'M gonna head back to class. Coming?"

"Yeah, I'll catch up with you." - Liam answers as he spots Harry and Zayn sitting under the tree, talking about something. Niall disappears through the doors as Liam starts walking up to them. His body fills up with anxious feeling. He knows Harry isn't actually fond of him, but if he wants to be friends with Zayn, he has to go through the _Harry-barrier._ He stops in front of the boys and smiles down at them.

"Hey."

Harry's first to look up. His shiny, green eyes stare up at him with a surprised expression that reads _"what the hell do you want?_. His soft curls are falling down his face, making him look younger than he actually is. Zayn follows his friend's gaze and his cinnamon-colored eyes catch Liam's chocolaty ones. Instantly, the boy's lips stretch in a warm smile.

"Lee." 

Liam kicks a small rock with his foot, hands still hidden in the pockets as blush raises to his cheeks. He hears Harry's grunt and gets even more red.

"I-um, I wanted to tell you about something." - Liam mumbles and looks up at Zayn from under his eyelashes. Zayn raises his eyebrows from confusion.

"Everything okay?"

"Uh, yes. It's just-" Liam clears his throat and scratches his neck nervously. "I kinda broke up with Sophia."

The silence falls down on them. Zayn blinks up at Liam with an expression Liam can't read and it kind of scares him. It's strange how one second he can read Zayn like an opened book, but then the other times he can't even understand his expressions. 

"Congrats?" - Harry questions and _shit, Liam totally forgot about him._

"Liam." - Zayn calls him quietly. "That's-That sucks. Are you okay?"

The concern in Zayn's eyes makes Liam feel alive. He wants to hug the raven-haired boy and never let him go. But he simply nods instead and flashes him a weak smile.

"Yeah, I guess. I wasn't really happy with her, so-" - Liam cuts himself off and stares down to the ground. He can still feel Zayn's worried and Harry's confused eyes on him.

"She's a real bitch, if you want my opinion." - Harry adds suddenly, but Zayn pinches his arm painfully and the boy lets out a loud yelp.

"No, Harry, he doesn't want your opinion." - Zayn snarls and looks up at Liam once again. "Are you sure you're fine? Wanna skip classes?"

"What?" - Liam's eyes grow wide from the sudden question.

"You know, to clear your mind." - Zayn shrugs.

And yes, Liam wants to. But no, Liam can't. Because he knows that his father won't tolerate with one more call from the school. So he casts his eyes back to the ground and frowns.

"Can't. The school will call my parents and I-I can't. Yeah."

"It's fine." - Zayn gets up and grabs his bag. "In that case, let's go to the class. We don't want you to be late, yeah?"

Liam smiles and nods. Harry follows his friend up and throws a backpack over his shoulder. They stride towards the school slowly, enjoying the silence stretched between them. But then Liam sees people he did not want to see at all and his breath gets caught in his throat.

"Payne!" - A loud voice calls him. Liam freezes as the heavy feeling fills up his chest. He gulps and pretends he's invisible. _Maybe it will work._ "Yo, Payne!"

He sighs and looks at the person calling him. Tom's holding a ball with one hand, second one waving at Liam. He spots his other teammates beside the boy, staring at him with confused expressions. Tom approaches him in three big steps. He tilts his head to the side and narrows his eyes.

"Hi, Tom." - Liam chokes and tries to smile at the boy. He sees Tom's eyes staring at something behind him and he knows exactly what it is.

"There are two faggots following you." - Tom hisses. His eyes travel back a Liam. "Care to explain why?"

"I, um-"

"I've heard you broke it off with Sophia." - Another guy from his team, Josh, chimes in. "What, decided to _play for another team?_ "

Liam turns his head for a second only to be met with Zayn's sad eyes. He sees Harry's expression changing from confused to angry and he knows this isn't good. He looks back at his teammates and tries to cut the tension.

"I broke up with Sophia for some personal reasons." - He shrugs. "Look guys, I gotta got to the class, but I'll see you at the practice-"

"You're hanging out with Styles and Malik, Payno?" - Tom presses, taking one more step forward, invading Liam's personal space. "The school captain of football is becoming a faggot?"

"Shut your mouth." - Liam growls, fury growing inside of him. "You know I'm not gay."

"Then what the fuck are you doing with them?"

"You want me to kick your ass, mate?" - Harry hisses, but Zayn grabs his friend's forearm before the boy tries to step towards Tom.

"Chill, princess." - Tom scoffs. "I'm not talking to you."

"Seriously, Tom, just back off, yeah?" - Liam shakes his head and tries to walk past the boy, but Tom doesn't let him. He steps to the side and blocks Liam's way.

"Is the famous Liam Payne becoming a faggot?" - The boy tilts his head to the side. 

"Shut the fuck up." - Liam pushes his chest, causing him to stumble backwards. "I am not gay!"

"Yeah? Let's check that."

Liam doesn't even register the next events, because they happen too fast. He turns around quickly and sees two guys holding Harry in place while Tom appears behind Zayn and his rough hands lock around the boy's thin shoulders. Harry tries to free himself, but fails, as the grip around his hands grows stronger.

"Don't you dare to fucking touch him!" - Harry spits, fighting against the hold. Liam stares stunned at Zayn's scared eyes as Tom pushes him down to his knees.

"Stop this." - Liam growls but Tom smirks at him mischievously.

"Let me go!" - Zayn begs weakly.

"Punch him." - Tom orders. 

Liam's breath gets knocked out of him as he stares at Tom with wide eyes.

"Punch him, Payno. Prove you're not gay and don't care about this faggot."

"I will snap your vertebras." - Harry warns, his voice low and intimidating.

"I will not punch anyone, Tom. Let him go." - Liam tries to sound calm, his eyes still locked with Zayn's scared ones.

"I saw you punching him at the party. Go on, do it once again. Do it for your reputation, Payno. _Do it for yourself._ "

"Stop it." - Liam shakes his head. "Shut the fuck up and let Zayn go."

"Fucking do it, or we will make sure everyone in this school knows our captain is a faggot. I will make sure your mommy and daddy know their son is gay." - Tom snarls.

 _"Leeyum."_ \- Zayn's scared, shaky voice calls Liam, his big, sad eyes looking at him, begging for a help. Tom's nails dig deep in the boy's forearms and suddenly the world stops for Liam.

There's a red blur in front of Liam's eyes. Something rings in his ears as he steps forwards and swings his fists with all the force he's got, sending Tom down to the ground with a loud yelp. He pins the boy down with one hand, another one raising and placing another punch right under the boy's eyes. Tom wiggles under his hold, but Liam's grip only grows stronger. He gets ready to place another hit when long fingers curl around his wrists and stop his fist in the middle of the air. 

Liam breaths out shakily and turns his head only to be met with Zayn's pleading eyes.

"Stop. It's enough." - Zayn whispers. 

The blur disappears instantly and Liam looks down at Tom's bloodied face. He swallows hardly and stumbles back from the boy. His teammates are staring at him with their eyes wide and mouths opened. Even Harry is gaping at Liam. 

"Fuck." - Liam mumbles and runs a hand over his face.

"Fucking psycho." - Josh hisses as he drags Tom up to his feet. 

_"You're a bloody maniac!"_

_"Stupid prick, can't control your anger?!"_

_"You will regret this, Payne."_

The guys around them disappear in a second, following Tom and Josh inside the school. Liam's still breathing hardly, his heart beating like a crazy.

But then warm hands cup his cheeks suddenly.

"It's okay." - He hears a soft voice. He blinks at Zayn and tries to steady his breathing. "Shh, breathe with me,come on."

"I-They'll-They'll call my parents."

"Nobody will call anyone." - Zayn shakes his head. "Tom won't ruin his reputation and say he's been beaten by someone. Just breathe, love."

" 'M fine." - Liam exhales shakily and tries to smile at Zayn.

Zayn smiles back at him and suddenly locks the boy in his embrace. Liam opens his mouth to say something, but Zayn buries his face in Liam's chest and cuts him off.

"Thank you." - The boy whispers.

"For-For what?"

"For not proving them wrong, Leeyum." 

Liam looks at Harry, who's still standing stunned beside him. The boy stares at him for a moment, but then he nods. Harry nods and even smiles a little. And Liam feels proud, for once in his life. He feels proud for his choice. He wraps an arm around Zayn and places a kiss in the boy's hair.

"Let's go to class, yeah?" - Harry clears his throat after a moment, clearly feeling awkward.

"Yeah." - Zayn pulls away and looks up t Liam. "Yeah, let's go."


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> catch the lyrics from sign of the times and many other puns/references in this chapter, can ya?
> 
> p.s. Zigi broke up and that makes me really sad?? i mean, Ziam is hot, but i really liked Zigi together and that sucks. anyways, i hope they will be okay and happy. le sigh

"This is one of the best parties I've ever hosted!" 

"You say that on every party, Niall." - Louis rolls his eyes and sips from his solo cup. Harry's got an arm draped over his shoulder and is grinning down at his boyfriend. Down, yes. Because Louis is small, tiny even. But he won't ever tell you. ( _"I'm 5'9, you pathetic piece of human's flesh!"_ )

"Because all of my parties are the best!" - The Irish boy exclaims. 

The music is beating loudly, filling up the whole room. Half of the guest are total strangers, nobody knows where they come from, or why. But everybody is having fun and that's all that matters to Niall. He fills his cup with a strange drink, the recipe of which he never tells anyone. And nobody really wants to ask, because hell knows what does an Irish lad put in his alcohol. He hands a cup to Harry and looks around, trying to find his friend in the crowd.

"Where's Payno?"

"On the porch." - Louis responds. "With Zayn. And no, you can't join them."

"But-"

"No."

Niall sighs and sips his drink.

"Whatever. I'm gonna stay here with you, then. You don't mind, right?"

Before Harry can whine, Louis nudges his side painfully and grins at Niall. 

"Of course we don't, Nialler."

__

"You sure you don't want one?" - Zayn lifts his cigarette.

"Nah, I'm good." - Liam shakes his head and smiles. "You really shouldn't smoke this much, by the way."

"Tell me something I don't already know." - The raven-haired boy scoffs and drags from the cigarette. The cold wind is breaking through their skin, sending shivers down their spines but they don't mind. Because the world is blocked out at the moment. Nothing matters but them. Liam looks at the boy beside him, at the way his small curls fall down his face, the way his long, thick eyelashes flicker every time he blinks, the way his long fingers hold the cigarette between them. 

"You never told me anything about your tattoos." - He says, nodding towards the boy's hand, which is full of strange, beautiful ornaments.

"Nothing to tell." - Zayn shrugs and throws the cigarette down to the ground. "They're just tattoos."

"They must mean something." 

"Not really." - The boy shakes his head. "I just needed something to fill myself up with."

"Coping mechanism?"

"Yeah, you could say."

They stay silent after that, letting the music coming from the house be the only sound around them. Liam wishes he could freeze the moment and never let go of this second. Because right there, right now - he is real. He feels real emotions, gets the real thoughts. He is real and it only happens with Zayn, nobody else.

"Can I tell you something?" - He asks.

"You can tell me anything you want."

"You make me feel real." - Liam murmurs. Because he's feeling too raw to hide this. His soul is too bare to shut this fact out.

Zayn stares at him, his eyes narrowed slightly, a glimpse of sadness flashing in them. The corners of his lips tug upwards and he tears his gaze off of Liam. 

"You make me feel." - Zayn shrugs, staring down at his feet. "And I haven't felt anything in years, you know."

The wave of bravery washes over Liam suddenly. He bolts forward, his hands fly up to Zayn's face and his lips capture the other boy's ones roughly. Zayn stumbles back from surprise, but doesn't hesitate to melt in the kiss. 

Liam's heart fills up with warmth, because _this is right._ This is something he's been searching for for years. Safety, realness, fullness. His heart beats like a crazy, and not only because he's kissing Zayn, but because he has finally realized everything. This is what he's been craving for years. 

He pulls away for a moment to stare down Zayn's honey-colored eyes.

"I've found you." - He whispers shakily.

"What?" - Zayn whispers back.

"I've found you. Finally." - He rests his forehead on Zayn's and chuckles. "You've been here, all this time. And I've finally found you."

"Liam-"

"No, shut up." - He cuts him off and places a kiss on the boy's forehead. "I need to tell you. I need to-I need you to know. You're so special, Zayn. You're so fucking special, so unreal and so magical you don't even know. What you do to me-you blow my mind, every single day. You're so beautiful and crazy and pretty and-"

"Liam." - Zayn breaths and closes his eyes. His eyebrows wriggle from emotions, so Liam presses another peck on his lips and continues.

"You are important. You mean so much, babe. So fucking much. I wish I could give you everything you deserve. And I hate myself for every second I've spent hurting you."

"Please, stop." - The boy mouths, a single tear streams down his cheek, but Liam wipes it away with his thumb gently. "I don't-I don't deserve those words."

"You deserve so much more than just words, Z." - Liam shakes his head.

"Thank you." - Zayn whispers and buries his face in Liam's chest. Liam wraps his arms around the boy's body and holds him closer. 

And they would probably stand there for the whole night, breathing each-other's air, listening to their heartbeats, hearing each-other's thoughts. They really would. But-

"Un-fucking-believable!" - They hear a loud voice and someone's clapping behind them. Liam swirls around in a second with his eyes wide.

"Would you look at this? This is so cute!" - Tom claps his hands and shouts loudly. His friend/minion is bent over with a laughter beside Tom. "Soph, you've been dating a fucking faggot!" 

Liam looks to the side, only to be met with Sophia's furious gaze. She's suddenly flying forward, towards Liam, and before he can do anything a harsh slap is placed on his cheek. It stings like a motherfucker and Liam hisses from the pain.

"You prick!" - She screeches, her hair falling down her face. "It's been a week! And you're-you're with _him?!_ You're a faggot?! Fucking gay?!"

"Be quiet, for fuck's sake." - Liam tries to hush her, but her eyes only grow wider from anger.

"Don't you dare to shut me up, you dickhead! This-You'll pay for this, Liam Payne. You'll fucking pay for this! Wait 'till the school knows you're gay! I'll tell your parents they've raised a faggot!" 

Sophia storms away after these words, leaving Liam glued to the spot. He can feel his heart racing like a crazy, because _no,_ his parent's can't know.

"Well, well, well.." - Tom and his friend finally steady themselves after the hysterical laughter and are now staring and Liam with smirks plastered on their faces. "I've got to admit, you've surprised me, Payno. I didn't expect this."

"Shut up." - Liam grits, his hands balling in fists from fury. 

"Oh, hide your fists. You're nothing but a stupid fag from now on, Liam. You've punched me before, yeah. But you ain't gonna hurt anyone now."

"Yeah, well I am." - A quiet voice says from behind Liam's back.

Tom's brows knit together, but before he can say anything, Zayn lurches forward in the speed of light and kicks Tom in the stomach with his foot, sending him down to the ground. The boy lets out a loud curse and squeezes his eyes shut from the pain. Liam's still standing there, his mouth slack from surprise when Zayn grabs his hand and drags him towards the house.

"Run, _Leeyum!_ " - He yells and tugs Liam after him. They can hear Tom's shouts and yells following them, but their feet move faster than ever. They charge into the house full of people, right through the crowd, towards the front door. Liam has never ran this fast, not once in his life. The adrenaline fills up his veins, fear long forgotten. 

"Haz!!" - Zayn calls his friends near the bar without stopping. "Run!"

Harry's eyes go wide instantly. He grabs Louis hand and shouts.

"We've got to get away!"

"What?!" - Louis shouts over the music.

"We've got to-We've got to run!"

Louis lets himself be dragged after Harry, Niall following them ( _because the party's getting boring and this looks fun_ ) and the five of them fly out of the house. Liam swears he can still hear Tom's voice following them when run down the blocks, leaving houses and cars behind them. The quiet street drowned in night fills up with the sound of their ragged breathing and loud footsteps. 

After what feels like an eternity, they stop running. Harry drops down to his knees, trying to catch his breath and not choke on the air. Niall starts laughing hysterically, throwing his head backwards and clutching his stomach.

And Liam-

Liam feels alive. He tries to catch his breath as he stares at Zayn, who's now laughing too. He feels alive, he feels so real. So he grabs Zayn's collar and drags him forward for one more kiss. He ignores Harry's and Louis' gasps, ignores the fact that Niall's laughing stopped. He kisses Zayn and he feels alive.

"I love you." - He whispers after pulling away. 

And Zayn's eyes go wide for a second, and then he laughs. Zayn laughs, because he feels. 

"I love you!" - Liam yells through an empty street and Harry whistles loudly. "I fucking love you!"

Zayn sits down on the ground and laughs, and he's never been scared of dying from happiness and laughter. But he is now. He laughs, And Liam loves him, and he's fucking _feeling._


	14. Chapter 14

"He said he loves me."

The words leave his mouth suddenly. Zayn blinks up at the ceiling, his voice sounding breathy and shaky. The little ray of sun crawls in from the window, falling down on Harry's face diagonally. For some reason it reminds Zayn of _Scarface_ , his favorite movie. He should re-watch it. After he deals with his shitty load of emotions and confused feelings.

"Yeah, I was there." - Harry mumbles. He tosses the book he's been holding to the side and leans forward, with his brows knitted together in concern. Zayn feels like his friend has been waiting for him to finally bring this subject up. Zayn grabs a pillow and hides his face underneath it. The bed dips beside him after a moment. Harry takes a pillow away from his grasp with an ease and stares down at Zayn. 

"Are you gonna lecture me now?" - Zayn whines and rolls to his side.

"Why would I do that?" - Harry asks confused.

"I don't know. Because I've let Liam Payne play with my head again?"

Harry chuckles and shakes his head. He swipes a strand of hair away from Zayn's forehead and sighs.

"You're scared?" - He asks quietly.

"Fucking terrified." - Zayn whispers. "I-I don't think I deserve those feelings from him. _Hell,_ I don't think I deserve any kind of feelings from anyone-"

"Hey." - Harry cuts him off by covering Zayn's mouth with his palm. "Stop. This bullshit you're saying - _this isn't you,_ yeah? You aren't a stupid thirteen-year-old girl with a crush. You're a big boy, Malik. And another big boy has revealed his feelings to you last night, so have some fucking responsibility and deal with it like an adult."

Harry moves his hand then and Zayn stares at him with a shocked expression.

"What?!" - Harry asks when he sees his friend's face.

"You're not supposed to be this clever. You're a hippie, not an intellectual." - Zayn blurts.

"Excuse you." - Harry puts a hand on his chest dramatically. "I'm have a delicate soul, your words are hurting me."

"Fuck you." - Zayn nudges his friend's shoulder weakly. 

"No, seriously tho." - The curly boy says. "You have to decide what your heart desires. Because that boy - _that boy_ is in love with you, and that was obvious even without him admitting that."

"Yeah." - Zayn sighs. "Yeah, I know."

"Zayn."

"What?"

"You love him."

Zayn closes his eyes and runs a hand through his hair. _Yeah, he loves him._

___

"I'm stupid."

"No."

"I'm so stupid. I have a toe in my mouth."

"Actually, the phrase is-"

"I don't care, Louis. I'm stupid."

"Stop pacing, you're hurting my vestibular system!" 

"A vestibular system doesn't hurt, Niall."

"Whatever, his pacing makes me feel sick and-"

"Can you two just shut up?!" - Liam snaps and finally stops pacing. His hands drop from his hair that he's been tugging too hard. Louis and Niall blink at their friend, surprised by his outburst. "I'm stupid 'cause I've told Zayn that I love him last night! You were there, you've heard it!"

"We did." - Niall nods and bites down his sandwich. They've been sitting in Niall's yard, beside the pool since the morning, listening to Liam's mumblings and watching him pace himself to death. "But I don't see a problem here."

"Don't talk with a full mouth, Horan." - Louis slaps Niall's neck. "But he's right, Payno. What's the fucking deal?"

"What's the deal?" - Liam gasps. He falls down on the chair near Louis and hides his face in his hands. "I've been bullying and making fun of him for years, Louis. And then suddenly - _this?!_ And-And our relationship wasn't even heading that way? Like, it was a surprise bomb for him."

"And for you." - Louis adds. 

"And for me." - Liam agrees quietly. "What if he decides that he doesn't want to be with me? What if he stops being my friend?"

"Wait a minute. Are we in a kindergarten?" - Louis asks. "What are you, ten? Stop being a pussy, for fuck's sake. You were pretty brave last night, what the fuck happened?!"

"He hasn't said anything to me since I've admitted my feelings." - Liam shakes his head. 

"Relax, Payno." - Niall nudges his shoulder. "He's probably just shocked, like you are."

"Niall, swallow first, for fuck's sake."

"Swallowing's your talent, Lou." - Niall shrugs.

Louis chokes on his saliva and falls down from the chair with a loud shriek. He stares up at his friend with wide eyes and tries to think of what to say.

"I-What the fuck?!" - He screams. "Where did you fucking get that from?!"

"Oh, come on." - Niall rolls his eyes. "Have you seen Harry? He's a giant, probably a monster in bed. And you're a twink that loves dicks too much."

"Niall James Horan!" - Louis's voice gets higher by ten times from the shock. "Shut your horny, Irish mouth! I'm not a bottom! We actually share that!"

"Yeah, right."

"Stop it!" - Liam hisses. He helps Louis get up from the ground, who's still staring at Niall with a slack mouth and wide eyes.

"I feel betrayed." - Louis mumbles then and shakes his head.

"Well, Harry will fuck that out from you, drama queen."

"You little piece of-"

"Stop!" - Liam shouts, his low voice filling up the yard. "I need your help, guys! Please, act mature."

"And _you_ grow some balls, will ya?" - Niall finally finishes his sandwich and gets up from the chair. "You've said something last night - something important. So be a man about it. 'M gonna go get some more food. Anyone's hungry?"

"Irish prick. Has he always been such a bitch?" - Louis asks as their blonde friend disappears through the glass door. 

"I've got no idea." - Liam answers honestly.

__

Zayn stares down at his feet as he walks through the hallway, trying to avoid everyone's staring. Everyone knows what happened on the party. Everyone knows he has punched Tom Martin, the school's biggest bully with a pair of iron fists and even stronger reputation. The weekend has probably been spent with talking and gossiping about Zayn and Liam. He finally decides to look up from the floor and gulps when he meets a familiar pair of eyes glaring at him. Sophia is leaning on the lockers, squad of cheerleader minions by her side as she narrows her eyes at Zayn. 

Zayn slows his steps, waiting for her to do or say something. To call him a fag, a whore, point fingers or even shout. But she doesn't do anything. She continues to eat him with her eyes and smirk at him as Zayn passes her. He lets out a shaky breath with a relief, even though he knows she probably has something planned. He walks out to the backyard and heads straight to the bench, his smoking spot. He drops down on the wooden surface and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He searches for a lighter in his pockets, but then closes his eyes and curses because of course, Harry stole it.

Suddenly, he hears footsteps behind his back. He bolts up from the bench and tries to hide a cigarette.

"Woah, Quicksilver." - He hears a low chuckle. "Didn't mean to startle you."

Zayn looks up.

"Liam." - He breaths.

"Hey." - The boy smiles and stops in front of him. "You okay?"

"Yeah." - Zayn clears his throat and nods. "I-I'm fine. Wanted to smoke, but Harry stole my lighter, that prick."

"That sucks."

They stay quiet for a moment, staring into each-other's eyes.

"Look, Liam-"

"You don't have to say anything." - They start talking at the same time. Zayn stops and lets Liam continue. "You don't owe me anything. Only because I have certain feelings towards you doesn't mean you _have_ to say something in response."

"Liam, I-"

"I just love you, yeah?" - Liam smiles a little and Zayn's heart misses a beat from hearing those words again. "I love you and that doesn't change anything, because I'm pretty sure I've loved you since I've known you."

Zayn closes his eyes and swallows hardly, hearing the way his blood rushes through his veins. The world around him gets blocked, with only Liam's voice passing through the blur.

"Zayn." - He feels how fingers curl around his wrists. "I'm sorry if this is too hard or confusing, I just-"

"Shut up." - He manages to whisper. He hears the way Liam's breath hitches and adds: "Please. I need to tell you something."

"Yeah?" 

Zayn opens his eyes and stares up at Liam.

"You're right. This _is_ confusing. And strange, and-and surprising. But, fuck, this is the realest shit I've felt in years. This is real. And this emptiness-" - He puts a finger on his chest. "It suddenly got filled. A hole in my chest has disappeared, _Leeyum._ You've filled it up with your stupid jokes and pretty smiles and blushing cheeks and crinkly eyes."

He steps forward, his face inches away from Liam.

"I've been telling myself that I hate you for years, yeah? And for some time - I've believed it. But now I see that's it's an utter bullshit. I could never hate you. I would never hate you."

Zayn places a hand on Liam's cheek. Shivers run down his spine from the way Liam's breath gets caught from Zayn's touch.

"Now's the time to kiss me, yeah?" - Zayn smiles.

Liam doesn't hesitate to lock his lips with Zayn's. His hands fly up to Zayn's raven hair as he pins him to the bricked wall behind him and deepens the kiss.

"I knew it!" - Niall shouts from the hiding spot behind the dumpsters.

"No you did not." - Louis slaps him.

"I did not know it!" - Niall agrees automatically.

"I'm kinda shocked." - Harry adds as he blinks at the way Liam Payne sucks his friend's lips. 

"Yeah, that's how I felt when I've realized you're shagging Louis." - The Irish boy points out.

"We kinda share that really." - Louis and Harry say in unison.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as you can see, i love The Weeknd's new album

As soon as the door shuts behind him, he senses that something is wrong. He never really cared about auras and all that shit that Harry rambles about all the time, but at this moment he can _feel_ the atmosphere in his house and it feels wrong. It feels heavy and messed up. He drops the bag in the hallway and heads straight into the kitchen. 

His parents are sitting near the table. His mother is hiding her face in the hands, her shoulders shaking weakly. Her husband is sitting beside her with a distressed look. His eyes snap towards the door as he hears Liam's footsteps. Suddenly, his eyes fill up with anger and he clears his throat.

"You're home." - He says with his voice low and intimidating.

"Hi?" - Liam swallows hardly, still frozen in the doorframe. "What-What's wrong?"

His father chuckles humorlessly and shakes his head, disappointment written all over his face.

"Well, son,-" - He starts. "I think you need to sit down and explain what's going on with your life."

"What do you mean?" - Liam asks confused as he approaches the table.

"What do we mean?!" - His mother lifts her tear-stained face suddenly and shouts. "What do _we_ mean?! Do you know how broken we're feeling right now?!"

"Mom, I don't understand-"

"Sophia visited us earlier today." - The man cuts him off.

Liam's world spins around him. He flops down on the chair and tries to breath properly. _Shit._

"Seems like you forgot to tell us you two broke up." - His father continues. "And seems like you also forgot to mention that you don't like girls in general anymore, Liam."

Liam feels the blood rushing to his face, his mind goes blank and his vision blurs. He needs to say something, he needs to deny the accusation, he needs to think of the way out from this situation. But instead, he stays silent, gaping at his father with wide eyes and opened mouth.

"So you are not going to say anything?" - The man hisses.

Liam gulps and breaths out shakily. His own vocal chords betray him.

"Disgusting." - His father's face flashes with hate. "I am ashamed and disappointed. You've ruined everything we've been trying to give you. You betrayed your own beliefs."

"Father-" 

"Don't you dare to talk to me!" - The man shouts and flies up to his feet. "I didn't raise a faggot in my house!"

"Geoff,-" - His mother tries to calm her husband. "Honey, let's listen to what he has to say."

"I don't have to listen to anything he says." - The man shakes his head and throws one last disgusted look at Liam before walking out of the room.

Liam is sure the world stopped spinning for a moment. The air feels heavy around him and all he wants to do is run as far as he can and never come back. He wants to hide himself, he wants to stop existing and simply disappear. 

"Liam." - He hears his mother's shaky voice through the blur. "You are our son. I don't know how to react to this, but you still are my son. We just need some time."

 _Time._ What a funny thing it is. Who said that they have time? He suddenly thinks of Yaser and Safaa, who probably thought the same thing the day they have died.

"What if you don't have time?" - He asks, staring ahead at the door from where his father disappeared a moment ago.

"What?" 

"People think they have time. But then the time runs out and you are left empty-handed and fooled."

"Liam, I don't understand-"

"There's nothing to understand, mother." - He gets up from his seat and places a kiss on top of her head. 

He leaves house without saying anything to anyone. And he knows exactly where to go.

__

Zayn throws a cigarette down to the ground and steps on it with his foot. The wind blows in his face and he tries to shield himself with a hoodie, but it doesn't provide any kind of protection. He's been waiting for Liam for ten minutes now. The boy texted him a simple _'meet me in the park in 15.'_ and Zayn's been standing here since then, wearing nothing but thin joggers and a hoodie over the t-shirt.

Finally, he hears footsteps approaching him from behind. He swirls around and gasps as he meets Liam's bloodshot eyes and pale face. In two big steps he approaches Liam and cups his face with his trembling hands.

"What happened?!" - He asks, his voice breaking at the end.

Liam closes eyes and shakes his eyes.

"My parents know I am gay."

Zayn blinks, his hands still holding Liam's face.

"Sophia told them." - Liam continues angrily. " And _fuck,_ I've never felt like this. I feel furious and angry and-and mad. This is my life, nobody can dictate me how to live it. And that bitch-that little bitch-she decided to ruin it. I hate her, I hate everyone-"

"Liam." - Zayn's calm voice cuts him rambling off. He opens his eyes and stares down at Zayn's deep, honey-colored eyes. 

"Sorry." - He shakes his head. "I'm behaving like a child."

"No, don't apologize." - Zayn shakes his head. "You have every right to be mad at them. But don't be mad at yourself, yeah?"

Liam swallows hardly and stays silent because yeah, that's the thing. He is not really mad at Sophia or his parents. He is mad at himself.

"This is my fault." - He whispers. Zayn's hands leave his cheeks and suddenly he feels cold. Zayn takes a few steps back and pulls out a cigarette. He lights it up and exhales a smoke before speaking up.

"No, Liam. This is _my_ fault."

Liam's eyes snap up to Zayn's face, who's staring off somewhere in distance. He knits his brows together and tries to approach Zayn, only to see that the boy backs off further.

"Zee, what are you-"

"You were okay. You had a perfect life, a pretty girlfriend and a great reputation. But then I've decided to turn everything upside down and your life went to shit."

"Zayn, you're wrong-"

"I am the one who changed you. Who changed your life, your priorities, your fucking orientation." - Zayn spits, his eyes still not meeting Liam's. "I've intruded into your life and everything went downhill. So maybe the right thing to do is to get rid of me, Liam. Maybe I'm the _fucking problem_."

The anger fills Liam up. He nears Zayn, grabs and throws his cigarette away and places his hands on Zayn's shoulders, forcing him to look up and meet his eyes.

"Shut up." - He snarls. "This is bullshit. You've changed me, you're right. You've helped me to find myself behind the facade I've been carrying for years. You've shown me my real face. So don't you dare and back off now, when I've given up everything for us. I don't care about what my family says, what anyone thinks about it as long as you're with me. I'm fighting against the world and you're suddenly deciding you want to quit?!"

"I don't want to fucking quit!" - Zayn shouts. "All I'm saying is maybe you don't deserve this bullshit I've brought with myself when I stepped into your life."

"And maybe I want to deal with this bullshit and everything if it means I get to be with you!" - Liam growls. "Maybe it's my decision, not yours!"

"You're not thinking straight." - Zayn shakes his head and tries get away from Liam's touch. "You're letting emotions talk for you. You have a bright future, Liam. Your parents have a prefect spots reserved for you in the best colleges around the country. You're going to win the football cup, you are going to go into Ivy League's university. And me?! What are you going to achieve if you keep spending your life beside me?! I'm a freak of school, I have horrible grades, I don't have any plans after graduation and I don't even think I'm going to make it till the day I'm 25! You were born to be successful, to shine bright and I'm the fucking darkness, Liam!"

Liam stares as Zayn finally stops shouting, his ragged breathing is the only thing he hears at the moment. Zayn's eyes are filled with tears and Liam hopes they won't escape, because that's when he'll lose his mind.

"Zayn,-" - His voice sounds shaky and quiet. "I don't need anything if I don't have you. I fucking love you, Zayn. I've loved you since we were kids. How can you-How can you say such awful things about yourself? You're not the darkness, babe. You're the brightest thing I have ever seen."

"Stop it." - Zayn whimpers and finally frees himself from Liam's grasp. "Stop it. Stop ruining your life over something that isn't worthy. I'm just a high-school crush, Liam. You'll get over me. And you're talking about your future, your family. So go and live the life you were born to have and don't waste it with someone like me, who's probably going to end up working in the local bar till the day I fucking day."

Liam tries to say something, but gets cut off.

"Don't talk to me in school, don't come to my house. Let's go back to being the enemies, it's easier this way. Tell your parents that Sophia made up the rumors only to hurt you. Get back with her and live your life. Stop lying to yourself. You don't love me. You love the idea of being with me, you love the idea of something forbidden. But your life is not an experiment, Liam."

Liam watches how tears stream down Zayn's face as he takes a few stapes away from Liam and hugs himself to warm up.

"You deserve better, and you're going to have it, _Leeyum._ " - The last words come out as a wet sob and Liam tries hard not to break down right then at the spot.

"Zayn." - Is all he manages to whimper. "Please,-"

"Bye, love."

 _Enjoy your privileged life_   
_'Cause I'm not gonna hold you through the night_  
 _We said our last goodbyes_  
 _So let's just try to end it with a smile_

Liam watches Zayn leave. He watches the way his thin shoulders shake and the way tears stream down his hollowed cheeks. He watches the way Zayn destroys himself for what he thinks is good for Liam. And he can't let it happen.

So he bolts forward and captures Zayn's slim frame into his arms, burying his face in Zayn's neck. Zayn freezes, his muscles tense from surprise and his breath hitches.

"You can't leave me." - Liam whispers, holding Zayn's back closer ro his chest. "I am not going to let you walk away from me, not when I finally have you. You are my priority and I won't let you think otherwise. You are all I need."

Liam feels how Zayn's body shakes from sobs and he holds the boy even stronger than before.

"I need you in my life, to remind me who I am. I need to be in your life, to remind you how worthy and important you are. Everything will work out, Zayn. You will see. Just stay with me."

They stay like that for what feels like an eternity.

Zayn doesn't leave. He doesn't even try to leave. And Liam-

Liam feels heavy, because he realizes that Zayn needs help. He needs help to see the light in his life, to see his importance. And maybe, _maybe_ , Liam can help.


	16. Chapter 16

"What are you going to do?"

"Huh?"

Liam blinks at Niall, who's staring at him with a raised brow. They are sitting in the math class, and as always, the last 10 minutes stretched out into eternity and none of the students can contain their yawns anymore. So Niall's weak nudge practically wakes Liam up from his slumber.

"Your parents, Payno. What are you going to do?" - Niall whispers again.

"Oh, right." - Liam clears his throat. "I don't know. To be honest, I don't even care, Niall. They can live with the fact that their son is gay, like many other parents."

"And your dad?"

"He's gonna get over it." - Liam shrugs. "I hope."

"You don't regret it?" - Niall asks suddenly.

Liam's eyes wonder to the back of the class, towards the boy sitting in the furthest corner. Zayn's head is resting on his hands, messy curls falling down the desk in dark waves. His long eyelashes are fanning his sharp cheekbones as he blinks lazily and tries to block out the world completely. But, somehow, he feels the other boy's gaze swirling holes on him, so he lifts his head slightly and smiles the second he meets Liam's eyes. His big, hazelnut-colored eyes radiate warmth and calmness. Liam feels his heart missing a beat from the sight.

"No." - He responds quietly, eyes still glued on the beautiful boy. "Not for a second."

"Who could've thought." - Niall chuckles and shakes his head. "Payno is in love with Zayn Malik. The life is full of surprises."

"What do you mean?" - Liam knits his brows together and finally tears his gaze off of Zayn. 

"You and Zayn. You are the complete opposites, right? Like, two sides of the-"

"Shut up." - Liam cuts him off. Niall stares at him confused, so he continues. "I don't care about any of that. I love him and that's the end of discussion. Now, tell me how you solved the problem on the desk 'cause I don't understand a shit."

__

Zayn walks down the hallway, gripping his skateboard as he passes the crowd near the lockers. Sometimes he wishes he could turn invisible for a day, so he wouldn't have to face all these people. The intense staring from almost everyone around him forces an anxiety to bubble up in his chest, so he gulps and drops his gaze down to the floor and starts walking faster.

In the last couple of days the tension around him grew bigger and bigger. Sophia's friends have sent him death glares every time he passes them, and he doesn't even want to think about Tom and his clique. He's afraid that soon all this mess will swallow him and it will end badly. Very, very badly.

He stares at his boots as he walks towards the classroom. Suddenly, he bumps into something harshly and it causes him to crush down on his knees painfully. He hisses and squeezes his eyes, not daring to look up. 

That's it, he probably collided with Tom or one of his Hulk-friends and he's going to get a bruised face and broken nose now. Then Donya will ask about his bruises again, probably his mom will notice them too and his boss at his new job in cinema won't let him work with a messed up face. _Good job, Zayn._ He will lose his job again, Waliyah won't get her new shoes and his mom will have to sew Donya's old one for her and she hasn't slept in almost three days and-

 _"Zayn!"_ " - A grip on his shoulders shakes him weakly. Zayn opens his eyes slowly and blinks up through the blur at the owner of the voice. "Yes, come on, come back to me."

 _Green, deep eyes, crazy curls and pink lips and concerned expression._ Zayn sighs with a relief as Harry tugs him up to his feet and instantly buries himself in his friend's chest. He inhales the familiar smell of cigarettes and cherries. Harry wraps his big arms around Zayn's thin body and hols him closer, not caring about being in the middle of school hallway.

"You okay?" - Harry whispers into his ear softly after Zayn finally steadies his rugged breathing. 

"Yeah." - Zayn cracks and nods. "Yeah, fine."

"Good." - The curly boy places a kiss on his temple and pulls away. "Because you've scared somebody with your little episode."

That's when Zayn notices somebody standing beside Harry. He turns his head and is met with his favorite warm, pretty brown eyes.

"Liam." - He breathes.

"Hi." - Liam whispers. 

"I'm sorry, I got-I panicked and I just-I didn't mean to-"

"Zee, it's okay. There's nothing for you to apologize for." - Liam cuts his rumbling off and grabs Zayn's hand. "Want to skip class?"

"Liam Payne skipping classes?" - Harry raises an eyebrow and asks with a sarcastic voice. "Sometimes it drives me crazy, just how fast the night changes."

"We've spoiled him." - Zayn adds with a whisper, causing Liam to laugh.

"Let's go." - Liam starts walking towards the entrance, dragging Zayn with him.

___

 

"I can't believe we're doing this." - Niall mumbles as he drops on the bench beside his friends.

"You're telling me you've never skipped a class? I thought you're a bad boy, Horan." - Harry chuckles.

"Niall the bad boy? Give it a rest, Niall the church boy more like." - Louis rolls his eyes. He gets a harsh nudge on his shoulder as a response. "Woah, drop the attitude, leprechaun."

"We've decided to skip classes to have some quiet time, quit whining." 

"It's not my fault Harry decided to pull me out of the history class." - Louis says. "He told my teacher my uncle has died. I almost had a heart attack!"

"Lou, you don't have any uncles." - Harry reminds him.

"Doesn't matter!"

"I've just realized that I'm fifth-wheeling." - Niall mumbles to himself.

"What?"

"I'm the fifth person with the pair of couples."

"So what? You're the captain of out ships!" - Louis announces. 

"What does that even mean?"

"That means-"

"Can you stop talking for a minute?! You're cgiving me a headache!" - Liam hisses.

"I've heard blowjobs help with headaches. At least, they do in my case." - Louis shrugs.

Niall's screeching fills up the backyard as he falls down from the bench and puts hands over his ears.

"I didn't ask for any of this! I didn't ask for my life to get turned into a porn movie!"

"We have to find you a girlfriend." - Harry says. "You're straight, right?"

"I guess?"

"Hey, I remember you were crushing over Mendes in tenth grade." - Liam says confused.

"I wasn't!" - Niall gasps.

"Oh, Jesus!" - Louis laughs, throwing his head backwards. "Who would've thought! Our Nialler swings our way!"

"I don't!!" - Niall screeches. "Shawn was-he just head those cool cheekbones and-I wasn't crushing!"

"We're the typical gay-squad of the school." - Harry laughs. 

"I'm not gay! I like girls, I liked Hailee last year! We even went on the date!"

"Yeah, but then you decided you would skip the second date because Mendes had a football match. And, a quick reminder, you've never came to any of my football matches." - Liam reminds him.

"Shut up, Payno!"

__

The door shut behind his back. He drops the bag on the floor and strides into the living room, falling face down on the couch. His feet feel numb from standing all day long at the job, his hands tremble from exhaustion. He feels the couch dipping from the weigh beside him, so he cracks one eyes open and stares at the tiny creature in front of him.

"Hi." - The girl places a peck on his cheek and grins.

"Hey, Dons." - Zayn mumbles. He ruffles the girl's dark hair, causing her to yelp. "How are you? Where's your sister?"

"She has a dance practice." - The girl answers after slapping her brother's hand away. "I got an A in maths!"

"Maths, huh?" - Zayn chuckles. "Seems like you're the only genius in our family."

"Besides Safaa!" - Donya grins. Zayn feels his heart falling down to his toes, but he tries to smile anyways. "She loved maths, didn't she?"

"Yeah." - The boy cracks. "She even loved Physics. I mean, who loves Physics?!"

"I know right?" - The girl giggles. The room drowns in silence after that, before Donya speaks up again. "I miss her, you know."

"I miss her too, princess." - Zayn smiles and traces his sister's cheek with his thumb gently. "But she's always here, Dons."

"Right here." - The girl places a finger on her chest proudly. "Safaa and Baba. Always."

Zayn places a finger on his chest too and nods.

"Always, love. Now come on, let's get something to eat."

"Mom tried to prepare a soup today, but burnt it!" - The girl laughs as she follows her brother into the kitchen.

"Only mom would manage to burn the soup." - Zayn shakes his head and chuckles.

"How's Liam?" - Donya asks suddenly as she sits comfortably on the counter. Zayn almost chokes on his saliva, but manages to stop himself. "Harry told me he's your boyfriend."

"Fuckin' hippie." - Zayn whispers, wishing he could strangle Harry. "Liam's fine. Thanks for asking, little demon."

"Hey, 'm not a demon!" - Donya exclaims. "Plus, I like Liam. He's handsome."

"Hey!" - Zayn nudges her weakly. 

"I'm not trying to steal him from you!" - Donya laughs. "Yet. I'm not old enough to date."

"Good girl." - The boy places a kiss on top of her head. "You want some french toasts?"

"Yay!"


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Khuda hafez" - Good bye.  
> "Aapki bahut yaad aa rahi hai." - I miss you.  
> "Tum meri zindagi ka payar ho." - You are the love of my life.
> 
> I used the google to translate these phrases, so i sincerely apologize if they are in any way wrong. Please, correct me if so.
> 
> love you all

"I'm going out." 

"Oh, are you now?"

Liam freezes on the spot and sighs heavily. The tension in his house has been raising ever since he had that horrible conversation with his father. Despite being in the middle of them, his mother struggles to pick a side, so she simply ignores the situation as if nothing is happening. And, with Ruth being gone for college, Liam is left alone to bare with his father's irony and anger seeping through every word that the man speaks. 

"Yes, dad. I am going to Niall's party, because it's Friday, I have no school tomorrow and I'm allowed to have some fun." - Liam crosses arms on his chest and faces his father, who's sitting on the couch in front of TV. The man chuckles humorlessly and shakes his head.

"What else are you allowed to do, Liam?" - He asks. "Are you allowed to skip classes? Are you allowed to touch and kiss your boyfriends? Are you-"

"I'm not having this conversation." - Liam turns around on his heel and storms towards the front door.

"Don't you dare to walk out on me, Liam!" - He hears his father's furious voice. "Eventually, you will have to man up and pay for your words and mistakes!"

"I haven't done anything wrong!" - The boy shouts back. "You can't tell me what to do or whom to like! It's not up to you!"

"You're a bloody sinner, Liam." - The man hisses shakes his head. "I haven't raised a sinner in my house. You will burn in hell for the choices that you're making."

"Liam, honey,-" - He hears his mother's footsteps approaching him from the back. A soft hand lays on his shoulder gently. "Come to church with us tomorrow. We will talk to Father Andrew, he will help you with finding a way back to Heaven, love."

Liam rolls his eyes and shrugs her hand off of his shoulder.

"If I'm losing a piece of me, maybe I don't want Heaven."

"Liam!" - The woman gasps.

''I am going to Niall's party. Don't bother waiting up for me." - He spits before walking out and shutting the door loudly behind his back.

__

"You've made it!" - Niall's cheerful voice rings over the loud music. The boy opens his arms and grins at Liam, who's holding a red Solo Cup filled with alcohol.

"I never miss any of your parties." - He shrugs and takes a sip from his cup. 

"Come on, mate, the boys are waiting." - Niall leads him towards the couches and flops down on one of them.

Harry's got an arm draped over Louis' shoulders as he whispers something into his ear. He's wearing a dark, navy button-up and black, skinny jeans. _Straight outta Vouge magazine,_ as Niall would say. Louis grins and nods at whatever his boyfriend is saying to him, and Liam looks away instantly, feeling as if he's interrupting something private. His eyes lay on the raven-haired boy, who's sitting near Niall and his soul suddenly fills up with warmth and calmness. 

Zayn is smiling up at him, eyes crinkling at the corners from the sincerity. He's dressed in all black. An oversized sweater is exposing his tattoos under the collarbones and it makes Liam gulp. He wishes he could rain down the kisses on that ink-covered skin. 

_"Leeyum."_ \- The soft voice snaps him out of his trance. He blinks at Zayn, who's still smiling. "Come here."

Liam sits down near him. Instantly, Zayn wraps an arm around Liam's and _he feels home._

"Your eyes look sad." - Zayn's brows furrow with a concern. He runs a finger over Liam's lips and stares into his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Just some trouble with my dad." - Liam shrugs one shoulder. "It's nothing, really."

"Sure?" - Zayn asks quietly.

"Yeah." - Liam grins and places a kiss on Zayn's nose. 

"That was a complete _boyfriend gesture,_ Li." - Zayn chuckles. 

Liam's breath hitches and suddenly he needs to learn how to use his lungs properly.

"Are you?" - Zayn whispers.

"Wh-What?" - Liam manages to crack.

"Are you my boyfriend?"

Oh. _Oh, Lord._ Liam has been waiting for this since he was a kid. He can't wrap his mind around the fact that this is finally happening, so all he can do is jerk a nod and swallow hardly. Zayn smiles in response and places a tiny kiss on top of Liam's nose.

"Here. Now, I'm your boyfriend, too."

Liam blushes violently and smiles at Zayn. Somehow, he always manages to block the whole world around them and gain Liam's full attention.

"They're doing it again." - Harry's low voice mumbles.

"What?"

"Building up the love bubble around themselves." - The curly boy explains, looking damn serious, as if he's explaining the math's problem.

"We can hear you." - Liam nudges Harry's shoulder weakly. "And we are _not_ doing that!"

"Yes, you are. You look completely lost in each-other. Not that we complain, but you kinda make me throw up. You're disgusting from time to time, but,-" - Niall says and points at Harry and Louis. "But you can never compete these two."

"Hey, watch your tone, leprechaun! You don't want me to cut your dick and send it to Shawn fucking Mendes, do ya?!" - Louis hisses.

"Calm down, Blue." - Harry runs a hand through the boy's hair. "He's joking. We are not disgusting."

"Yes, you are." - Niall argues. 

"Okay, that's it. Harold, hold my beer-"

"Louis don't-Fuck, not here! Don't punch him-Niall, cover your face, for fuck's sake!" - Harry screeches.

Liam stares at the scene in front of him and suddenly feels a warm hand interlacing with his own.

"Hey." - Zayn whispers. "Let's get some fresh air, yeah?"

____

The cold air hits his face as soon as they step out of the loud house. Liam sits down on the porch and stares up at the way Zayn's long fingers light up the cigarette restes between his lips. The boy inhales and closes his eyes. Sometimes, Liam wishes he was that cigarette.

"I want to take you somewhere." - Zayn says suddenly. He looks down at Liam with his honey-colored eyes.

"Right now?" - Liam blinks.

"Yeah." - The boy nods. "Come on. It's not too far."

Liam gets up on his feet and follows Zayn out of Niall's yard. The walk down the blocks quietly, not a single words escapes their mouths. Millions of questions are running through Liam's head, but he doesn't dare to ask any of them. He simply trust the boy beside him and follows Zayn.

They walk, and walk, and walk. Liam's feet feel like they are about to fall off but he continues to stride mutely, throwing curious glances at Zayn from time to time. But the boy keeps being quiet, smoking cigarette after cigarette and not once looking up from his feet at Liam. They finally stop walking near the big, metallic gate. Liam knows this gate, he knows exactly where it leads.

"Zayn-"

"Come on. Nobody's here at this time." - Zayn cuts him off and pushes the gate open. Liam gulps and follows the boy. They walk past the marble stones, past the crosses and tons, tons of flowers. They walk past the people, who've lived in this town ages, centuries ago. They walk past the _life_ and then they finally reach the destination.

Zayn walks over one of the headstones and flops down in front of it. He drags from the cigarette and tries to stop his hands from shaking, but fails, because Liam notices. He notices the way his eyebrows knitted together, the way his knees couldn't carry his weight anymore. Zayn stares ahead, his eyes glued on the letter engraved on the tombstone.

_In the clouds, where the angels sing._

He reaches a trembling hand and touches the letters. He then looks up at Liam. Liam's heart feels heavy, because the look in Zayn's eyes says it all. The pain, the hurt and distress. Everything, all at once. He sits down beside him and runs a hand through Zayn's thick hair. 

"Hi, baba." - Zayn rasps. His voice is shaking, so Liam places an assuring kiss on his temple. "Remember Liam? You taught him how to ride a bike when we were ten. He still sucks at it."

Liam chuckles and buries his nose in the crook of Zayn's neck.

"He was my best friend, baba. We grew up together. We learned how to live, side by side, yeah? But then-" - Zayn voice cracks. He clears his throat and continues. "Then we drifted away. I've already told you that hundred times. But now-Now, he is my boyfriend. Strange, isn't it? How fast the night changes."

Zayn stays quiet for a minute then, regaining his force to talk.

"What would you tell me if you were here, baba? Would you be proud of me? Or would you be ashamed of what I've became?"

His shoulders start to shake then. A wet sobs escapes, the one he can't contain anymore and instantly, Liam's strong arms are around him, holding him closer to the warm chest. Zayn cries loudly, heart-ripping sobs echoing through the cemetery. Liam rocks him back and forth, whispering soothing words to the boy.

"You're okay." - He whispers. "I've got you and you're okay. He would be so proud of you, love. He is. He's looking at you right now and smiling, because you are amazing, wonderful, magical. You are special. And you are okay."

Zayn buries himself deeper in Liam's chest. After several minutes, he manages to steady his breathing. He's still clutching on Liam's hoodie, but he has finally calmed down.

"I love him, baba." - He whispers then quietly. "He feels like home."

Liam kisses Zayn's head and inhales the familiar smell of vanilla. _Yeah, this is home._

They stay like that for what feels like an eternity. Clutching onto each-other, not caring about anything else. But then, maybe from cold, maybe from something else, Zayn starts shivering and shaking ever harder than before, so Liam crawls up to his feet and helps the other boy up. Zayn's feet still fell wobbly, so he holds Liam's secure hand. He approaches the tombstone in two steps and places a hand on top of it.

"Khuda hafez, Baba." - He whispers and steps back from the marble stone. Liam is about to lead him towards the entrance when Zayn suddenly lets his hand go for a moment and walks even further, towards the other tombstone. The smaller one. The white one. _Liam's soul is hurting. He wants to wrap his arms around Zayn and never let him go._

Zayn kneels in front of the headstone and traces its' edges with his hand.

"Hey, monkey." - He whispers. "You're okay up there, aren't you? Baba's taking care of you, right?"

Liam's eyes fall down on the dark engraving.

 _"Safaa Malik. A daughter, a sister, an angel."_

He looks at the date of birth and suddenly wants to disappear, but Zayn's whisper brings him back to reality.

"I love you, little one." - Zayn places a kiss on top of the tombstone. "Happy Birthday, monkey. Aapki bahut yaad aa rahi hai."

__

That night, Liam steps into his house and shuts the door quietly behind his back. He walks into the living room only to find his dad asleep on the couch, with a TV remote in his one hand and a phone in other. He smiles to himself and shakes his head. 

"Dad." - He calls softly. The man stirs and opens his eyes after a moment. "Let's get you to bed, yeah?"

His father blinks up at him, confused at first, but then it changes with something gentle and loving.

"Yeah." - He says and sits up. "I-I was waiting for you and fell asleep, I guess. I wanted to apologize, Liam."

"It's okay." - Liam shakes his head and reaches a hand to his father. "You're my dad. You're here and we're okay."

His father smiles at him, ruffles his hair and strides towards the bedroom quietly. Liam goes to bed with a heavy heart and messy head. He grabs his phone and goes to Google translator. He types out a simple text and translates it in Urdu, before pasting it into the text.

_"Tum meri zindagi ka payar ho."_

He sends it to Zayn and closes his eyes. The only phrase running through his mind before falling asleep. _I know, that somewhere out there there's a path that we chose. There's a life that we share. There's a love and it grows_


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw for mentions of blood

A loud, piercing sound wakes Liam up in the middle of the night. He unglues his eyelids and glances at the clocks on his nightstand. 3 a.m. With a loud sigh, he manages to reach the phone and swipe to answer it, without bothering to check the caller's ID. He is going to strangle Niall if he's calling with another stupid prank that his Irish mind came up with. 

"Yeah?" - He rasps and closes his eyes, barely awake.

"Leeyum." - He hears a shaky breath. Liam's eyes snap open and he sits up in his bed instantly. Worry washes over his sleepy body.

"Zayn?" - He asks concerned. "What-Is everything okay?"

"Yes. No. I-Fuck." - He hears a few more quiet curses and ragged breathing, as if Zayn is trying to catch his breath. 

"What's wrong?!" - Liam bolts up from his bed, looking around frantically to find his clothes and sneakers. He has no idea where is he going, but he can't stay in bed right now. 

"Leeyum,-" - Zayn chokes, finally managing to answer properly. "I-It was my fault-I am the one to blame."

"Zayn, where are you?!" - Liam pulls a hoodie over his head, quickly puts on the joggers and grabs his shoes. "Come on, love, talk to me."

"Bridge. It's a bridge where it happened." - The other boy says. "And there a lot of water. I-I don't like water. He tried, but couldn't teach me how to swim."

_Fuck._

"Okay, Zayn, listen to me,-" - Liam struggles with the front door until he finally manages to open it and run towards his car. He jumps in and starts the engine while clutching the phone to his ear. "I'm coming, yeah? I'm on my way, just stay where you are. I'll be there in ten, just stay with me on the phone."

"I saw it coming." - Zayn whispers with a trembling voice. "I saw the truck, and for a second I thought _what if it hits us?_ But baba was a good driver. I've decided it was a stupid thought. But after ten seconds it-Fuck. And then, when I opened my eyes, there was blood. So much blood, Leeyum."

A heartbreaking sob rings through the phone and Liam tries hard to see the road through the tears gathered in his eyes. The bridge that Zayn described is very close to Liam's house, it should take him maximum ten minutes to reach. 

"I tried to crawl out, but something-something was crushing me." - Zayn chokes. "And then I saw her-I saw Safaa on the backseat. Her-Her eyes were open and for a moment I thought that she was okay. That she was fine, but then-I saw pieces of glass in her throat and forehead and I-I-"

Zayn's voice cuts off.

"Zayn?!" - Liam calls, but gets no answer. He curses and throws the phone to the passenger seat. 

After a moment, he finally reaches the destination. He turns his lights on and looks around, trying to spot Zayn. And he does. The boy is sitting on the ground in the middle of the wide bridge, face hidden in his palms. Liam parks his car, not giving a damn about the fact that it is forbidden to park the car on the bridges. He jumps out of the car, not bothering to even close the door as he bolts towards Zayn. 

"Baby, fuck, hey, hey,-"

He drops on the knees beside him and crushes Zayn to his chest, instantly wrapping arms protectively around his shaking, thin frame.

"-I'm here. I'm here, you're okay. I've got you." - He whispers into the boy's hair.

Zayn's sobs are wrecking his body as he buries himself deeper into Liam's chest.

"It wasn't your fault. You didn't know, you couldn't know." - Liam continues to mumble, ignoring tears streaming down his own face.

"I-I tried to pull them out." - Zayn sobs. "But the seatbelt was stuck. I tries to scream, to-to call for help, but there was no one-"

"Shh, you're okay, baby." - Liam hushes him. "It wasn't your fault."

"I should have died, too." - The boy chokes and Liam feels how his heart drops in a second. "What if-What if I was supposed to die, what if it was a mistake that I survived-"

"Don't say that." - Liam pulls away and holds Zayn's face, forcing him to look into Liam's eyes. Liam has never felt this way. He is scared out of his mind, but not for himself. He is scared for Zayn, because he has never seen so much pain and distress in a single person's eyes. "Please, please don't say that. You were supposed to live. Of course you were,-"

"They were supposed to live, too!" - Zayn shouts, hot tears sliding down his hollowed cheeks. Liam never thought anyone could look so heartbroken and beautiful at the same time. "They were-Safaa was just a child. She was so small, she had so much to live for. So much more than I have."

Liam brushes Zayn's tears away with his thumbs and runs a hand through the boy's messy curls. The gesture seems to calm Zayn a little, as he swallows hardly and tries to steady his breathing.

"You deserve every minute that you have left to live. You can't blame yourself for surviving, only because they couldn't. You have to live, not only for yourself - but for them, too. They live here now,-" Liam places a hand on Zayn's chest, just above his heart. "And you have to carry them, you have to stay alive, so they can exist, too."

Zayn blinks at Liam. His eyelashes are glued together from tears, looking even more thicker than they already are. His eyes are shimmering from wetness and redness. He lifts a shaking hand suddenly and puts it on Liam's cheek. Liam leans in touch unconsciously and puts his hand over Zayn's cold one.

"I am so glad that you are alive." - Liam adds quietly. "I am so glad I get to look at you, to touch you, to kiss you. Even if it sounds selfish - I am glad you are alive, because I get to be with you."

Zayn stares at him for a moment longer, then leans forward and lands a small kiss on top of Liam's lips. His chapped, bitten-raw lips taste so sweet that Liam melts into the kiss instantly. 

"Thank you." - Zayn whispers as he pulls away. 

Liam smiles and kisses him again. This kiss lasts longer, and Zayn gets lost in it, completely coming down from his panic attack. 

"Let me take you home, yeah?" - Liam asks when they pull away and finally catch their breathes.

"No." - Zayn shakes his head, brows wiggling. "No, please, I can't-Mom's been crying all night and I-"

"My place, then." - Liam cuts him off. He gently pulls Zayn up to his feet and wraps an arm around his thin waist. "I'm taking you to my house. It's okay, I've got you."

___

 

Liam glances at the sleeping boy beside him. His bed looks huge compared to Zayn's small, fragile body. The blankets are draped over his frame, making him look even smaller. Softly, Liam runs a hand through Zayn's raven hair and sighs. The boy doesn't even stir, his mind completely buried under the layers of sleep and tiredness. 

Even though he tries to hold his composure in front of Zayn, inside - Liam is broken. His heart is torn apart from seeing the boy this way and hearing Zayn's words. His soul is destroyed from how scared he was when he heard Zayn's voice in the phone. But, most important, his mind can't wrap around the thought of how much he loves this boy. The boy, who completely lost himself a few years ago and is still trying to recover. The boy, who didn't deserve any of this. Liam loves Zayn so much that it hurts his brain and his heart. It hurts, because he needs Zayn to be okay and safe. 

He places a kiss on top of Zayn's head and quietly walks out of the room to get water for the boy for when he wakes up. He walks into the kitchen, trying to be as quiet as possible, but knows he failed when the light switches on. He flinches and turns around in a speed of light, only to be met with his father's face. 

"Dad?" - He blurts, surprised to see his father up at his time.

"I saw you coming in." - The man says. He has his arms crossed on his chest as he stares at his son. "With Zayn."

"Uh, um, yeah." - Liam gulps. "He-He needed my help with something and I-"

"He is _the boy_ , isn't he?"

Liam is lost for words. He tries to say something, but his own vocal chords betray him, so he stares up at his father wordlessly. His father stares back, but then his face softens and his eyes drop down to the ground.

"I know what happened to his family." - The man says and shakes his head. "The boy has been through a lot. Nobody deserves that."

Liam doesn't know how to respond. His father catches his eyes again and adds:

"You take care of him, Liam. It is going to be difficult, because healing it messy and hard, but you have to be there for him. You have to take care of him, especially if you love the boy. He needs you and you must be his rock, the glue to hold him together. Only love can heal the broken human."

With these words, a man smiles down at his son, then turns around and leaves the room. Liam stays frozen at the spot, still trying to recover from his father's words. He feels how tears well up in his eyes from the warm feeling that washes over his body. He smiles down at the floor, then shakes his head and grabs a bottle of water from the fridge.

He goes back to his room, places a bottle on the nightstand and then crawls under the blankets, beside Zayn. He buries his nose in Zayn's neck and wraps his arms around the boy's body. 

Liam closes his eyes, inhaling Zayn's sweet smell and lets his mind drift away into the slumber, warmth still filling up his heart and body. _They are going to be okay._


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dramadramadrama

The morning in class has been tiring the hell out of Liam. He spares a glance at Zayn, who is sitting beside him, his hand resting on Liam's bouncing knee. Liam had to literally drag Zayn out of the bed this morning and get him to school, asking him from time to time if he was okay. Zayn just nodded in response and kisses Liam wordlessly, indicating that he _is okay_. Last night has became a big blur in their minds, only glimpse of it peeking through their memories, like an uncomfortable taste in mouth you get the next morning after you get drunk as hell. 

Liam knows Zayn isn't listening to their teacher, even though his eyes are focused on the desk in front of him. His mind is somewhere else, and Liam can only hope that place isn't too dark. He interlaces his fingers with Zayn's and smiles when the boy looks at him curiously. 

The bell rings just in time. Liam never lets Zayn's hand go as they leave the class, he ignores and blocks out the strange glances and quiet gasps as they make their way down the hallway. Liam knows he is the hot news of the school. He is a captain of the school's football team, he is _the popular_ one. Half of the school probably hates him from breaking Sophia's heart, the other half - hates him for being gay. But for once - Liam doesn't really care. And he is proud of himself for that. 

They stop by the lockers to grab their books for another class when a familiar giggle rings through the half-empty hallway. Zayn's eyes snap up at Liam, but the smiles at him assuringly and wraps an arm around his waist.

The clicks of too-thin heels approach Liam from behind. 

"Oh, would you look at this?!" - Sophia gasps loudly.

"Hello, Sophia." - Liam shuts the locker and turns around. His hand on Zayn's waist doesn't move, he keeps it securely on the boy's thin body. Not because he wants to claim him, or to show the world that Zayn is his. But simply because, for some strange reason, he feels braver and stronger with Zayn under his touch.

"Look, everybody, it's our captain Payno and his girlfriend!" - She cheers, her high-pitched voice filling up the hallway and causing heads to turn towards them.

"I would watch my mouth if I was you, Sophia." - Liam sighs and shakes his head. "I get that you feel insecure because you got dumped, but try to hide to at least, yeah?"

"Your words don't bother me, Liam." - The girl rolls her eyes. She glances at Zayn, who is staring down at the floor, obviously feeling uncomfortable from the situation and the attention it gives to them. "Hey, Zayn. How does my vagina feel? Because, you know, it's been wrapped around Liam's cock for too long to not leave any aftertaste."

"Sophia!" - Liam barks, but Sophia only chuckles as a response. 

"Okay, hurt feelings aside, have you heard from Stanford yet? It's been months since you've sent an application and I've heard a few people already got their responses back."

The hallway drowns in complete silence. Sophia is still smirking up at Liam, and the boy is just staring at her with wide eyes full of fury and anger. Nobody dares to say anything, because this - _this_ was unexpected.

"What the fuck?" - They hear a loud voice asking. Liam turns his head only to face Harry gaping at him. "What did she just say?!"

"I said, Liam is waiting for a response from Stanford. You know, university, miles and miles away from here." - Sophia presses. 

Liam doesn't dare to look at Zayn. He felt the way boy stiffened when Sophia said those words. He doesn't want to face Zayn - he can't. Because he knows what will follow. But how can he not look at Zayn? _Zayn._ Beautiful wonderful, magical Zayn. The one, who started shaking under his touch a few moments ago and Liam knows exactly what caused it. 

So he finally tears his eyes off of Harry and dares to look at Zayn.

The boy is staring up at him with wide eyes full of unshed tears. Zayn is staring up at him and the world is blurring around the edges because _how could  
Liam let this happen? _ How could he not think this whole situation through?!

"You are planning to go to Stanford and you've never even mentioned it to us?!" - Harry hisses, gaining everyone's attention. 

"Okay, I'll go now." - Sophia announces, throws a last glance at Liam and disappears from the hallway. Liam's eyes are still glued at Zayn, while everyone around them goes back to reality. People shuffle around and after a few moments, Liam, Zayn and Harry are the only ones left out in the hallway.

Harry approaches them slowly and stands in front of Liam. He clears his throat, causing Liam to break an eye-contact with Zayn and look at him. The look in curly boy's eyes sends shivers down Liam's spine. He blinks at Harry and gains strength to finally say something.

"I didn't-I've sent an application months ago." - He mumbles. "I just-I thought I wouldn't get in, so I never mentioned it. I've decided it doesn't matter."

Harry opens his mouth to say something, but gets cut off.

"You want to leave." - Zayn whispers shakily. Liam's eyes snap back at him. He cups the boy's face with his hands and shakes his head frantically.

"No, no, why would I?! Why would I ever want to leave you, Zayn?" - He asks. 

"Because of-Because of everything that it happening around me?" - Zayn asks quietly and shrugs. "I mean, I get it. My life's pretty shitty-"

"No, shut up." - Liam presses his lips to Zayn's to stop the words escaping his mouth. "Don't say those things. I don't care about any of that. You're all I care about, Zayn."

"Did you?" - Harry's voice snaps him out of his rambling.

"What?" - Liam asks, hands never leaving Zayn's cheeks.

"Did you get the response from University?"

Another silence follows. Harry waits patiently for an answer, that has already been said with this silence. Liam gulps and breathes out shakily.

"I-"

"Liam, did you or did you not get the fucking response?!"

"Yes. I-I got it two weeks ago."

"Have you already declined?" - Harry growls.

"No." - Liam mouths.

Before he can add anything else, Zayn moves away from his touch. Liam tries to say something, but Zayn pushes him harshly, his back meeting the lockers painfully. The raven-haired boy whispers a quiet _fuck you_ and turns around, storming off out of the hallway from the main entrance.

Liam's hands drop to his sides. Harry glares at him for a minute longer, then shakes his head and follows his best friend out of the school. Liam curses quietly and slides down the lockers, ending up sitting on the cold floor. He hides his face in his hands and sighs.

 

___

 

"Zayn,-"

"No!" - Zayn shouts, cutting Harry off as they march towards the backyard. Harry tries to catch up with him, but Zayn's steps are too wide and fast, even for Harry's long legs. 

"Wait, you need to calm down!"

"Don't tell me to calm down, Styles." - Zayn hisses and shakes his head. "Don't tell me how to fucking feel."

They reach the backyard and Zayn drops down on the bench, fishing his cigarettes from his pocket. He tries to light one up, but his hands are shaking too hard. After three tries he curses and closes his eyes, trying to steady himself. Harry picks a lighter and holds it for him. Zayn lights the cigarette and inhales, letting the poisonous smoke fill up his trembling body.

"Look,-"

"I don't want to hear it." - Zayn snaps. "I don't care. It's my fault, I've let him get too close to me. I've let myself get attached. It's my fucking fault."

"You don't even know if he's leaving yet." - Harry protests. 

"He had two fucking weeks to decline. And that's not even the point." - Zayn shakes his head. 

"You've got to give him a chance to explain himself."

"Would you give Lou a chance if one day somebody told you he could be leaving for good?!" - Zayn yells suddenly, his voice cracking at the end. 

Harry stays quiet at this, having no idea what to say. 

"Exactly." - Zayn says. "He's been hiding it for months. Fucking months. And now, suddenly, there's a huge chance that he will leave this town soon. What am I supposed to do?! Tell him not to go?! I'm not that selfish. Let him go?! I don't think I'll survive that. Maybe, if I knew this from the beginning, I wouldn't let myself get so fucking attached."

"You're right." - Harry nods. "Yeah, I get it. You're right."

"And I'm not-I don't even want to think about him leaving, you know?" - Zayn continues, softer than before. "Because I'm not ready to let him go. But I can't force him to stay. And he's been fucking lying to me for months and I-I-fuck."

He finally breaks. He drops the cigarette on the ground and buries his face in hands. Quiet sobs escape his lungs as his body starts to shake. He almost doesn't feel Harry's strong, warm arms embracing him softly. He simply cries, and cries, shedding tears that he;s been wasting too much for the last couple of weeks. He hates himself for being such a cry-baby, he hates himself for being a burden in Liam's life, a reason for over-thinking his decisions. Because if Liam wants to escape, to break free from toxicity of Zayn's life, how could he protest? How could he, when he'd himself use the first chance to run away and leave everything behind him. 

So he cries in Harry's arms, because it feels right. 

But then Harry pulls away and once again, Zayn is left alone to face the world. He sniffs and wipes his face with a sleeve of his hoodie. His eyes open to see where had Harry gone. The boy is sitting beside him, but is staring at something behind Zayn's back and he feels exactly what it is.

"Leave." - Harry hisses. 

Quiet footsteps approach Zayn and he doesn't dare to turn around.

"I said fucking leave!"

"I need to-I've got to talk to Zayn." - Liam says with a shaky voice.

"You need to leave-"

"Haz, it's okay." - Zayn whispers. He nods assuringly at Harry. "Wait for me near the entrance, yeah?"

Harry hesitates for a second. But then, his face softens and he nods back.

"Yeah, okay." - He gets up from the bench and looks at Liam. "You fucking fix this, or I won't hesitate to break your nose."

"Go, Harry." - Zayn repeats and the curly boy stomps away, leaving them alone. 

Zayn doesn't bother to face Liam. He runs a hand through his messy hair and wait for Liam to finally speak up.

"I am sorry." - Liam whispers and drops down on bench beside Zayn. "I am sorry I didn't tell you. You-You were upset the last couple of days and I-"

"Months." - Zayn cuts him off. "You had months to tell me."

"I know. But I-I guess I was scared. Scared that you'd think that I am leaving you."

Zayn chuckles and shakes his head. He turns around and dares to look at Liam. The boy's sad eyes fill with a glimpse of hope.

"And _are_ you leaving me?"

"No." - Liam shakes his head violently. "No, of course I am not."

"Too bad." - Zayn says. "You should. It's your future, a pretty bright one. You can't say no to Stanford."

"I can! Because I don't want to leave you!" - Liam protests. He leans forward to touch Zayn, but the smaller boy flinches away.

"There's nothing to leave, Liam." - Zayn whispers.

"What?"

"I can't be the burden that holds you back. And I know you haven't even made up your mind yet, otherwise you would have declined the invitation the day you got it. You're letting emotions talk instead of you right now, but it's wrong. And I am wrong for being upset. But I fucking am, yeah?!"

Tears escape Liam's eyes as he gapes at Zayn.

"I am, because I've let myself get attached and fall in love with you. I've let myself get drown in you and now it fucking hurts." - Zayn sobs, and he didn't even notice when did he start crying in the first place. "It hurts that you can leave whenever you decide to, and I-I'm not telling you not to. I want you to escape, I want you to be free from all this mess, but God damn it, it fucking hurts."

"Zayn, I don't want to escape." - Liam cries softly and shakes his head. 

"You do. And you will, because there's nothing to stay for in here." - Zayn says. He gets up on his shaky legs and takes a few steps away from the bench. "I know we should have done this sooner, the day Sophia told your parents about us. But we-I was too weak."

"Zayn what are you talking about?" - Liam sobs and reaches for Zayn.

"We're over. We never really started, but whatever it was- it's over. You're free." - The dark-haired boy breathes. 

"Zayn." - Liam stares at him with a shocked expression. "Zayn, baby, please, just-"

"It's. Over." - Zayn repeats sternly, ignoring tears sliding down his face. "I fucking love you, Liam Payne. But you deserve way more than these three words. So go and get it. Have an amazing future, amazing life. You deserve it."

"I-I don't want any of it with-without you." - Liam shakes his head, sobbing violently.

"Respond to that fucking invitation, yeah? It's Stanford, mate. I remember we used to dream about getting in there. So do it. For you, for both of us."

"I love you. I can't." - Liam cries, but Zayn continues to ignore his pleads.

"Sorry I've dragged you into this mess. You don't need this negativity in your life."

Liam sobs even more when Zayn turns his back on him and starts walking away.

"Please, please, don't leave." - Liam begs. "Zayn, please, you can't-I love you. I'm in love with you, you can't do that. You need me, I know you need me."

"I do! That's why I am breaking my own heart for your well being!" - Zayn shouts angrily. "You will thank me later. Don't follow me. I will ask Hazza to break your nose and you know he won't hesitate to do it."

"You're doing this because you hate yourself! You hate yourself so much that your mind can't wrap around the idea that maybe _you_ are what I need to be happy!" - Liam shouts back. "You want to fuck off, because that's an easy way!"

"Yeah, because I am a pussy, Liam." - Zayn nods. "I am a pussy and I always choose an easy way."

"Fuck off, then!" - Liam roars, his face getting red from fury and anger. "Fuck off and continue to live like a fucking coward!"

"That is exactly what I am planning to do." - Zayn responds calmly. 

"Fuck you! Fuck you, Zayn Malik!" - The boy growls. "Go on and break my heart the same way you break yours every single day! Only because you're scared and insecure!"

"Bye, _Leeyum._ " - Zayn rasps and turns around to finally leave. He picks a cigarette from his pocket and a lighter to somehow calm himself from the raging storm.

"You were right! Maybe you were supposed to fucking die in that car! Maybe it would have better and easier for everyone!"

The lighter falls down on the ground with a quiet sound.

Liam's breath gets caught from realization of what he had just said. He feels cold suddenly, stone-cold. He can't feel his limbs and his brain starts ro hurt as he replays his words in his head, again and again. He wants to say something, but his own vocal chords betray him. He stares, like a statue, at the way Zayn nods to himself slowly and finally manages to unglue his feet from the spot. The boy walks away slowly, lighter long forgotten on the ground behind him.

Zayn disappears behind the corner and Liam doesn't hesitate to crumple down on the ground and scream on top of his lungs. He knows exactly what he did when he said those words. He knew he had killed his Zayn in just a few seconds. 

Liam Payne killed Zayn Malik, and no car-accidents or drunk drivers had been involved. He managed to do it on his own, with bare hands and bitter words.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> get ready for angst, ha

Days and weeks feel longer than before. The night and day simply mix together, becoming a big blur with no dividing line between them. Mornings turn into evenings without Zayn noticing it. Sleepless nights transform into infinite number of drinking, clubbing and not giving a fuck about anything in the world. Loud music, head-spinning dancing and neon lights is all that he can remember from the last couple of weeks. 

His mother doesn't say anything. She cares, of course she does, but she is too scared to dig deeper into her son's mind, scared of what she will discover. So she simply smiles at him every time he returns home near the morning, prepares him a sweet tea and drapes a duvet over his body as soon as he falls asleep. But not for too long, probably for an hour or two, until the alarm goes off.

School becomes a big black hole for him. He moves around like a zombie, surprised that his limbs still have enough strength to carry him. He sits in classes blankly, blinks at teachers and dives out of the classrooms the second he hears the bell. 

Harry is there. Of course, he is. He doesn't ask questions, or beg to explain Zayn his behavior. He follows him everywhere wordlessly, lights cigarettes up for him and sometimes, when Zayn is too tired to function, even carries his bag. And Zayn is thankful, he is so _damn_ thankful and lucky to have Harry. The giant, curly boy with a dimpled smile and bright eyes that will kill anyone who hurts Zayn. 

But there's a problem. A big problem. Zayn is the one who's hurting himself. Not his mother, not school, not even Liam. Liam. Even the thought about the boy's name freezes Zayn's soul in a second. He replays Liam's words, again and again, every day and every minute, like a sacral mantra. He lives and sees the world through those words. 

It's been almost a month since he last spoke to Liam. Since Liam said those words to him. Since the world crashed. 

Harry says that Zayn is losing his mind, and for once - Zayn agrees. He sees the way black circles decorate his face, the way his clothes start to hang on him, the way his hair becomes too long and falls down his face in a manic way. He knows he looks sick, tired and scary. He knows Harry is worried, but there is nothing he can do. 

He should have never lived long enough to reach this point. He should have never survived the crash that was supposed to end his pathetic life. He remembers the movie he saw with his dad years ago - _The final destination._ it's a movie about people, who survive through their destined death and continue to exist, even though they were supposed to die at a certain time. And after a short amount of time, faith reaches them and they die in some twisted, even silly ways. Maybe that is what has to happen with Zayn. Maybe _this_ is how he dies. 

Louis and Niall send concerned glances at him from once in a while. He tries to block them out, ignore the people around him and continues to live through his own ways. No sleeping, no eating, barely breathing. 

He sees Liam at school. It's hard not to see him - his face is everywhere. His team won the local championship, and Liam was the one who carried the trophy. The photos of him are hanging everywhere in the hallway. He is smiling in the photos, and he is _happy._ And Zayn is glad that Liam is happy, because that's what he deserves. Liam stares at him during the classes and lunch, he eats him alive with his gaze every time he passes by. The sad, guilty look in his eyes is something Zayn finds hard to ignore, but he has to. 

He is not mad at Liam. He is mad at himself. 

"Zayn!" - A loud voice snaps him out of his trance. He blinks rapidly and comes back to reality. He is standing in the middle of the hallway, and Harry is staring at him with worried look.

"Yeah?" - Zayn rasps.

"You okay? You've kinda zoned out on me." 

"I'm fine." - Zayn nods and clears his throat. The pain in his muscles and a piercing headache indicate him that no, _he is not okay_ , but he doesn't really care.

"Did you sleep last night?" - Harry asks suddenly as he shuts the locker.

"Um, yes. Yeah." - He did. For twenty minutes.

Harry sighs and shakes his head.

"You're going to burn out." - He mumbles. "You can't go on like this."

Zayn chuckles and ruffles Harry's soft curls.

"I'm okay." - He assures the boy. "Let's just go to class, yeah?"

They start walking down the hallway. Zayn holds his books closer to his chest, blocking the world around him like he's used to. Voices around him don't bother Zayn. But then someone pushes him and pins him to the wall harshly. The books fall down to the ground and harsh pain rings through Zayn's back. 

He lifts his eyes and meets the cold, smirking face and eyes full of irony.

"Princess Malik." - Tom hisses. "Haven't seen you in quite some time. How's life treating you?"

Zayn tries to wiggle out of the boy's touch but fails. With his peripheral vision he sees Tom's friends pinning Harry at the place, stopping him from approaching Zayn and Tom. Tom grabs Zayn's chin and forces him to look up into the boy's eyes.

"You look like shit. You were always a flat-assed freak, but right now you look like a walking skeleton. You're creepy." - Tom smirks. 

Zayn closes his eyes and lets the world around him exist without his attention. Tom's harsh words still break through his brain.

"I've heard Payne ended his experiment with you. You know you were just an experiment, right? 'Cause nobody in this school is stupid enough to date your faggot ass, especially someone like Liam Payne." 

Zayn smirks unconsciously. He missed this. He missed being treated like shit, because that is exactly what he is - a shitty person.

"The fuck you're laughing at?!" - Tom growls and pushes him harder into the wall. Zayn's head meets the cold stone painfully. The pain radiates through his body and _God,_ Zayn feels it. 

"Again." - He whispers. Tom leans closer with his eyes narrowed.

"What?!" - He hisses at Zayn.

"Again. Hurt me again." - Zayn opens his eyes and looks at Tom. 

The boy's face twists from fury. He raises his fist and sends a punch into Zayn's abdomen. It stings, causing his muscles to shake and vibrate, but Zayn doesn't care. Tom punches him again, and again, and again, sending him down to the ground. He continues to kick him with his legs, yelling curses and disgusting slurs at him, but Zayn laughs. He laughs like a bloody maniac, because he feels. He feels pain, embarrassment, emptiness, but he _feels._ For the first time since Liam, he feels. 

Tom stops kicking him and stares down at the way Zayn laughs hysterically, holding his head in bloodied hands. He blinks down at the boy with wide eyes.

"You've gone crazy, haven't you?!" - He yells. 

"Yeah." - Zayn manages to whimper through his hysteria and laughter. "Yeah, I fuckin' have."

Tom shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair.

"You need help." - He hisses. "You need help because _this_ isn't fucking normal."

He turns around and leaves Zayn on the floor. He calls his friends to follow him and Harry finally manages to break free from their grip. He sprints towards Zayn and falls down on the knees in front of him.

"Zaynie." - He whimpers. "Fuck, what hurts? Tell me what hurts, Z."

Zayn shakes his head, still lying on the floor and looks up at Harry.

"My mind." - He whispers. The twisted grin disappears from his face and suddenly, he can't contain his sobs anymore, he can't lock them any further into his chest. 

"Fuck." - Harry curses. He helps Zayn to get up on his feet and wraps a protective hand around his thin waist. "Let's get you to the bathroom, yeah?"

Zayn doesn't answer. He keeps his head low, avoiding everything around him. But then, he hears a quiet gasp coming from somewhere behind his back. He turns his head and meets the familiar shade of brown eyes.

"Oh, God." - Liam chokes as he stares at blood tickling from Zayn's chin. He stares at his shaking frame, tears and blood smeared over his face. And suddenly, Zayn starts to laugh again. Hysteria washes over him in another wave, hits him like a bullet, but Harry manages to drag him away from the hallway. He literally drags Zayn into the bathroom, as the boy laughs and laughs and chokes on his own laughter and tears. And Liam stares at him, scared and terrified, because he realizes - _this_ is what a dead person looks like. This is what he has done to Zayn.

__

 

"I'm fucking sick of this shit." - Harry spits as he wipes the blood from Zayn's cheeks with a wet napkin. "It's fucking over."

"Relax." - Zayn says lazily and twist Harry's curl with his shaky finger. "It was fun."

"Fun?! have you seen yourself?!" - Harry rages. He drops the napkin into the trash can and washes his hands furiously. "You look like shit. You barely sleep or eat, you look like a fucking ghost!"

"I like _skeleton_ more." - Zayn shrugs. 

"Stop." - Harry squeezes his shoulders. "Stop this. Whatever it is. You can't-You will die if you continue this way."

"Yeah." - Zayn looks up at him and smiles. "Yeah, I know."

Harry's hands drop as he stares at his friend with a concerned face. His best friend has became a walking broken heart. 

"It's because of him, isn't it?" - He dares to ask quietly.

Zayn chuckles and shakes his head.

"It's because of me, Haz." - He says. "It's all because of me."

__

 

Zayn drags himself to one of Niall's parties the next Sunday. He needs that bitter taste of alcohol and a burning sensation it brings to him, and Niall always has a lot of alcohol. So he puts on a huge hoodie, grey pajama pants, converses and drags his empty body to the party, not caring about the way he looks. 

He walks through the crowd towards the bar, ignoring everyone's stares. He grabs a bottle of Vodka from the stand and takes a huge swing. Instantly, his throat starts burning and his insides twist from the taste. He closes his eyes and swallows some more, drinking almost half of the bottle, which seemed impossible for him just a few months ago. He leans at the bar-stand and closes his eyes, letting himself get drown in music and an aftertaste of alcohol. He knows Harry is at Louis', so he is completely alone at this party, unless he stumbles at Niall. But it won't happen, because Niall is probably already passed out on the couch.

After some time, Zayn downs the Vodka, drinking the entire bottle on his own and moves away from the table. The world around starts spinning instantly, and he feels to hot. But he doesn't care. He stumbles towards the dance floor and closes his eyes, standing right in the middle of the crowd. Everyone around him is pushing, dancing, jumping, but Zayn - he is just standing, like a statue, with his eyes closed. 

Someone starts rubbing at his back and Zayn doesn't even bother to open his eyes.

"Pretty boy, wanna have some fun?" - A hoarse voice whispers into his ear. Zayn nods and the harsh hand wraps around his wrist. "Let's go to the bathroom."

He lets himself be dragged out from the dance floor. He passes the familiar hallway, the bedroom and suddenly an artificial, yellow light cuts is vision as he walks into the bathroom. The door gets locked behind his back and he finally lifts his eyes to look at the face of a person that brought him here. He doesn't recognize the guy, but his blond hair and green eyes are annoying him. But once again - he doesn't care.

He doesn't care when the boy's lips smash at his own, when the tongue slips into his mouth, when the rough hands run over his body and take the hoodie off of him. He doesn't care when the boy bites down his neck, places sloppy kisses over his chest and stomach. He doesn't care when a hand pushes him down to his knees while the other hand gets rid off the pants and boxers. He doesn't care when his mouth meets the hard, hot dick. He doesn't care when his mouth and throat get fucked. 

He feels how a warm liquid starts dripping from his nose, but he tries to ignore it. He lets himself be used in any way possible, but the guy pulls away suddenly.

"Man, what the-You're bleeding?!" - He screeches. Zayn raises his hand, touches his nose and stares down at the crimson liquid covering his fingers. "Fuck-Let me get some help!"

"No." - Zayn chokes, his voice still hoarse from the way the guy shoved his dick into him. "It's-I'm fine, just-continue."

"What?! No! You're not okay!" - The guy yells over the music coming from the outside.

Suddenly, someone bangs on the door hardly, causing the guy to jump from surprise. 

"Open the door!" - A voice yells from the other side. Zayn feels strange, fuzzy even. He tries to concentrate on the guy's face, but the wall behind him seems even more interesting.

The blond boy pulls up his pants, zips them up and turns around to open the door. Instantly, somebody bursts into the bathroom.

"What did you do?!" - They yell at the guy, but he holds his hands up in defense.

"I didn't do anything, I swear! He was blowing me and then his nose started bleeding! I swear I didn't-"

He gets shoved to the side and somebody kneels in front of Zayn.

"Zayn?!" - They call him. A warm hand cups his cheek, but Zayn cant' rip off his eyes from the wall. The wall is brown, and so are the eyes staring at him right now.

"Are you on drugs?!" - The voice asks. "Zayn, come on, answer me!"

"No." - He shakes his head weakly. "No drugs. Only thoughts."

"Fuck." - The voice whispers shakily, and Zayn can't tell if they are crying.

"We need to get him out of here." - A familiar voice says from the back. Zayn recognizes an Irish accent instantly and smiles weakly.

"Nialler." - He whispers. 

"Come on, Liam." - Niall orders. "He needs to get out."

 _Liam._ Zayn's eyes finally focus on the face in front of him. Dizziness gets unbearable, but he still manages to stare at Liam with his eyes half-lidded.

"You came for me." - Zayn whispers. He notices tears sliding down Liam's face as the boy nods.

"Of course. Fuck, Zayn, what the hell are doing to yourself?" - Liam chokes. 

"Yeah." - Zayn finally closes his eyes, feeling how numbness takes over him. "Just wanted to feel something. I'm sorry. I should have died in there."

"Stop. Please, just stop." - Liam wraps an arm over Zayn's shoulders and picks him up like a ragged doll. "Fuck, you're like a feather. Hey, you're okay. I've got you. Just stay awake, yeah?"

Zayn leans into the familiar warm chest and sighs.

"I'm okay." - He repeats as he feels the darkness covering him. " _I'm okay._ "

He doesn't even try to stay awake.


	21. Chapter 21

The cup of tea in his hands has already became ice-cold probably an hour ago. But Liam continues to stare down at his hands, unable to move from the spot. He's been glued on the floor for the whole night. His heart is shattered, his bones ache. And all because of one person - _Zayn Malik._

Wonderful, beautiful, magical, funny, sweet and amazing Zayn. His Zayn. The boy who held his hand during the movies, the boy who sketched his face almost everywhere, the boy who laughed at his stupid jokes and cried when the neighbor's cat got stuck in the tree. The boy, whose heart Liam broke too many times, the boy who never deserved any of it. 

Liam glances at the bed and tries hard not to start sobbing for probably seventh time today. A thick blanket is covering Zayn's slim body. His dark curls are falling down his face, making him look younger. His eyes are closed, long eyelashes fanning over the hollowed cheekbones. His face is pale, paler than ever. Dark circles under his eyes can be seen even in this lighting. Liam wants to strangle himself, to tear off his own limbs and burn them. 

How could he? How could he hurt the boy, that would give Liam his heart and soul with no hesitation? Liam feels empty inside, he feels the need to get Zayn back, but tonight he realized something important - he can't have Zayn, until Zayn gets himself back. Because Zayn is lost. He is floating somewhere in the space, the world around him turns without him noticing. He just floats and floats and Liam isn't sure he can bring him back to Earth. Liam doesn't deserve a second chance. Hell, he doesn't even deserve to be sitting and watching Zayn. His words cut Zayn's skin and crawled inside his body, spread like metastases and killed Zayn instantly. 

A soft knock on the door reminds Liam that he is not alone in this. He tears his gaze off of Zayn and looks at the silhouette near the door.

"He's here." - Niall says quietly, not to wake Zayn. "And he's furious."

Liam nods and places a mug on the floor. He scrambles himself up and strides out of the bedroom, shutting the door quietly. The second he steps out into his living room, rough hands grab his shoulders and pin him to the wall.

" You! " - Green eyes full of fury flash at him. Harry's face is red from anger, his cheeks are stained with tear-paths and he is staring at Liam like a predator. "It is your fault!"

"Haz, Zayn's asleep." - Louis appears behind his boyfriend and places a hand over the boy's shoulder. "You will wake him up."

Harry glares at Liam for a bit longer, then huffs and lets him go. Liam slides down the wall and hugs his knees. The images of Zayn in that bathroom don't leave his mind, even for a second.

"You little-You've destroyed him!" - Harry paces in the room, hands tugging his curls and his eyes dart from one spot to another. He finally stops and stares at Liam, then tries to step towards him, but Louis' hand stops him once again. 

"Hazza, please, calm down for a moment, yeah?" - Louis begs, obviously scared by the behavior of his boyfriend. 

"He fuckin' destroyed him. _He_ did this." - Harry shakes his head and pulls away from Louis' touch. "He was okay. Finally, after all these years he was okay and you-you brought it all back!"

"I'm sorry." - Liam chokes as tears slide down his face. "I didn't want to-God, I'm so sorry."

"Why the fuck are you apologizing to me?!" - Harry growls. "Have you seen him?! Have you fucking seen his state?! He lost his mind! He-He never eats, he never sleeps, he lets himself be used as a fucking sex toy and _you're sorry?!_ "

Liam sobs violently. His body wrecks and he stays on the floor, broken and destroyed like a small child.

"I've never seen this side of him. This-This self-destructive side, I have never seen it." - Harry rasps, his voice cracking at the end. He falls down on the couch and hides his face in hands. "And I don't know what to do. Fuck."

"He's going to be okay." - Louis sits beside him. His soft voice seems to calm Harry down. "We're here for him. We will help him, Haz."

"Yeah." - Niall agrees. He's leaning on the wall with arms crossed on his chest. His blue eyes are full of sadness as he nods at Harry. "Yeah, we're here. Me, you, Lou and-"

"No." - Harry shakes his head furiously. "No, this- _he_ is not going to touch Zayn anymore. I won't fucking allow it. He will disappear from our lives, from Zayn's life."

"Haz,-"

"Okay." - Liam nods. He looks up at Harry with tearful eyes and swallows hardly. "Okay, I will disappear. But first, I need to make sure he is okay. We will help him, get him out of this mess and then-I promise, then I will leave him alone."

Harry throws him once last death-glare and then gets up from the couch, walking towards the bedroom.

"He's asleep." - Niall tells him quietly.

"I know." - Harry nods, then turns the doorknob and walks in.

__

 

His head is pounding. And no, not in the way it hurts after the drinking nights. It hurts from the inside, as if his brain has melted and escaped from his ears, nose and mouth. Unconsciously, he lets out a whimper and tries to touch his nose, to check if there is anything coming out. Everything around him is dark and silent and for once - he is glad. He tries to sit up, to open his eyes at least, but he can't. He can't lift his eyelids, because they seem to heavy.

Zayn kits his brows together, forcing himself to literally unglue the eyes, but suddenly a soft hand traces his forehead and stops him.

"You're okay." - It whispers. "You're okay. You're safe."

He tries to respond, to ask what happened or where he is, but fails. Instead, he lets out another pathetic whimper.

"You silly boy. What are you doing to yourself?" - A voice asks softly. It sounds familiar, too familiar and Zayn wants to scream _I know you, but I can't recognize you._

"You've scared me so much. I thought I lost you. What would I do without you?" 

Zayn doesn't even try to stop one single tear rolling out of his eye. Instantly, a warm, soft thumb wipes it away. 

"Go back to sleep. I'm not going anywhere, Zaynie."

_Zaynie._

Suddenly, his mind lights up with images and memories. _Thick curls, pink lips, dimpled smile, warm hands, strong embraces, loud laughter, hot tears, tattooed arms, deep talks, dark nights, flowers in hair, colored nails, deep songs, cheeky jokes._ He knows this voice. Of course he knows this voice. 

Arms lock around his body, and he melts in touch. His mind slips into the darkness once again, his lips letting out one last sigh.

_"Haz."_

___

 

The next time he wakes up - it's darker than before. This time, he manages to open his eyes and blink the blur away. He stares up at the ceiling, then looks around, at the walls and examines the room. He recognizes it instantly. He tries to sit up, but a weight on his chest reminds him he is not alone. Harry's soft breathing fills up the room and Zayn tries really hard to wiggle from under the boy's touch without waking him up. He successes to do so. Zayn gets up from the bed, stumbling slightly from the dizziness, but steadies himself. 

He looks down at the huge shirt that he is wearing, and shorts that hang from his hips pathetically. Zayn can hear quiet voices from the other room, he recognizes them right away. 

He feels anger bubbling up in his chest. _Why the fuck is he here? Why didn't they leave him in that bathroom? Who gave them the right to dictate his life?!_ He shakes his head and approaches the window still. Zayn is met with complete darkness. It's still the night. He looks back at sleeping Harry and sighs. 

He doesn't deserve him. He doesn't deserve anything at all. He doesn't deserve to be saved. 

Zayn opens the window quietly, cold air hitting his skin instantly. He shivers violently, but ignores it. 

He jumps out of the window, the same way he has jumped out of it for years. His bare feet meet the wet grass underneath. He doesn't even glance back as he strides out of the Payne's garden, towards the main street.

The cold breaks his skin, crawls into his veins like a bug. Zayn feels the way his lungs protest against the freezing air. He coughs a few times, but continues to walk. He walks, and walks, and walks in complete darkness. He knows the road by heart. The thin t-shirt, which probably isn't his own, doesn't provide any kind of protection. He stops for a moment and tugs it away from his body. He recognizes the smell. _LiamLiamLiam._ His Liam. Zayn drops the t-shirt down to the ground and continues walking, wearing nothing but shorts and boxers.

After a few moments, he gets used to cold. His body doesn't protest anymore. It blends with the air around him. He feels as is he's dissolving, becoming nothing but a wind in the night. 

He doesn't hear loud honking behind him until the flashlights illuminate everything around him and cause him to stop. The tires screech against the asphalt and the car stops. The door opens and shuts and loud curses approach Zayn from behind. 

"Motherfucking-What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" - Somebody yells at him. Zayn hugs his body and doesn't look at the man. "Are you crazy or something?! Get the fuck out of the road!"

Zayn nods. He nods at the crazy part. The stranger walks around him to face Zayn, and suddenly-

"Malik?" 

Zayn finally decides to lift his head and see the man. He doesn't expect to be met with familiar confused eyes and parted lips.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" - Tom asks, quieter this time. His eyes run up and down Zayn's body. "Why the hell are you naked?"

Zayn shrugs.

"It's five fucking a.m." - Tom continues. "You alone here?"

Zayn nods again. Maybe Tom will punch him, or kick him, or beat him. Maybe Zayn will feel something.

"Okay, fuck it." 

A hand grabs Zayn's forearm and tugs him towards the car. He closes his eyes and lets himself be dragged. Maybe he will kidnap Zayn, tie him up and leave him in the forest. Or sell his organs. It will be nice. Tom pushes him into the backseat and shuts the door. He sits on the driver's seat and switches the lights on in the car. 

"Talk." - He orders when he turns around to face Zayn. Zayn stares at him with a blank face and doesn't say a word.

Tom runs a hand through his hair and curses.

"The fuck is wrong with you?! Did you go nuts?"

Zayn stares back. Tom shrugs off his jacket suddenly, struggling to pull out his hands as he curses again and puts it in Zayn's lap.

"Put this on while I decide what to do with you. It's fucking freezing outside." - Zayn follows the order automatically, like a robot. He puts on the jacket that feels too big for him, but it still doesn't prove enough warmth. Tom shakes his head and picks a phone from his pocket. He dials somebody's number and waits. 

"Yeah, hi. Before you curse at me or hang up - I've got something that I think belongs to you." - He mumbles into the phone as he looks at Zayn. "I found him on the road, half-naked and frozen. I don't know and don't care what is going on with you two but he-he doesn't look good."

Zayn's brows furrow, because since when did Tom care about his well-being? The boy dictates an address and hangs up, while Zayn continues to stare at him, like he's seen a ghost. He leans forward, his face inches away from Tom and blinks at the boy.

"What?" - Tom asks surprised.

"Hit me." - Zayn whispers.

"What-Why?!" - Tom asks shocked.

"Hit me." - Zayn repeats. "Hit me!"

Tom stares at him with wide eyes as Zayn starts to shout and yell at the boy, begging to hit him. Then, after getting to response, Zayn jumps out of the car and stands in front of it with his hands wide open.

"Hit me! Come on!" - He shouts with his voice hoarse and raspy. Tom crawls out of the car and approaches the boy slowly, with his hands up as if to indicate _I will not hurt you._

"You need to calm down." - Tom says. "Get back into the car and we will wait for Liam."

"Liam?! No, no, no! No, not Liam! He doesn't deserve this, no, don't call him! Just hit me!" - Zayn shouts. Tom bolts forward and wraps his arms around Zayn from the back, stopping him from running away. Zayn thrashes and kicks, trying to set himself free, but the other boy is too strong for him. So yells and screams, but nothing works. So, finally, he stops moving and goes limp, his knees hitting the ground painfully.

"Calm down. It's okay, yeah?" - Tom mumbles. He breathes out with a relief when he spots a familiar car on the road. 

The car stops near Tom's and Liam bolts out of it, not bothering to even shut the door. He sprints towards Tom, who is still holding Zayn from behind. Liam falls down on the knees and cups Zayn's cheeks, forcing him to look up.

"Zayn. Zayn, look at me. Hey, it's me." - He whispers as he runs his hands through the boy's hair. Zayn stares up at him with empty eyes.

"What the fuck is wrong with him?" - Tom asks. 

"Nothing. Nothing, he-I've got him. Thank you." - Liam rambles. He helps Zayn up, wrapping his arm around his shoulders. "Come on, let's get you home." 

"Is he going to be okay?" - Tom asks again, staring at Liam.

And Liam doesn't know what to say. 

"Thank you for calling me." - He responds shakily. 

"He needs help." - The boy says suddenly. "You're not much of a helper, I see. He needs someone professional."

"Thank you, Tom." - Liam hisses as he shuts the car door after Zayn gets in.

"You can tell yourself that you're helping, but look at him,-" - Tom presses while Liam crawls into the driver's seat and starts the engine. "-he's fucking sick."

Liam starts the car and drives away from the spot, leaving Tom behind. He interlaces his fingers with Zayn's frozen ones and stares ahead on the road. _Zayn is sick. Zayn really is sick. And this time - Liam can't pull him out._


	22. Chapter 22

"I am so sorry." - Liam chokes. His hands are covering his face, like they can provide any kind of protection from the pain and distress around him. He ignores hot tears sliding down his cheeks and buries ugly sobs deep in his chest. "God, I am so sorry. This is my fault, I did this to him."

"Liam, love, it's not your fault." - A soft voice soothes his messy thoughts. Warm hands are running through his hair gently. "Don't you blame yourself."

"But it is my fault." - The boy says shakily. "I said horrible things to him, I broke his heart and I-fuck, I hurt him and now-"

"Shh, hey." - Long fingers curl around his wrists and pull his hands away, revealing his tear-stained face. Soft, gentle eyes full of love shine down at him. "This has been going on for too long, love. You are not the one to blame. Nobody is, really. It would happen eventually, with or without you."

"I've fucked up, Tricia." - Liam whispers, finally daring to look up and meet the woman's eyes. "I've fucked up and he's paying for it. I broke his heart."

Tricia sits down one the couch beside Liam and interlaces her fingers with Liam's frozen ones. Instantly, warmth washes over the boy's body and for the first time in weeks he feels safe. Liam lets himself lean in touch and sighs heavily.

"Zayn is not okay. He hasn't been okay for years, Liam." - Tricia says quietly. "He stopped taking his pills a few months ago, said he didn't need them anymore. I knew it wasn't right, I knew it would end badly. But there was nothing I could do. He's been taking care of me and the girls for too long, he forgot about himself in process. You could have said things that hurt him, maybe that triggered his breakdown but you're not the cause of it, love."

"I want him to be okay." - Liam says and he knows he sound childish, but he doesn't care. "I need him to be okay."

"I know." - Tricia smiles. "And he will be okay. Yes, his brain might be a little messed up, but whose isn't? As long as he has us, he will be okay. As long as he's got _you._ "

"What if he doesn't want me anymore?" - The boy breathes.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" - Tricia nods towards one of the bedroom doors. 

__

 

Liam sits down on the edge of the messy bed. The room is drowning in darkness and silence, the only sound filling the walls around is the sound of his own heartbeat, hammering in his chest like crazy. He is scared to look at Zayn, who is laying on the bed, probably awake, if he judges by the pattern of the boy's breathing. He can't face him, he can't look into his eyes and try to fit his apologies into something as small as words. The guilt is choking him, tears blur his vision but he gulps and finally dares to turn his head and look down at the boy. 

Zayn is already staring at him and even through the complete darkness Liam can see his deep, brown eyes and even a tiny mole near his honey-orbs. Liam's brows wiggle as he tries to swallow the new wave of tears and inhales deeply. Zayn blinks at him with an emotionless face, his long eyelashes fanning over his hollowed cheekbones.

"I'm sorry." - Liam whispers brokenly. "I didn't mean it-God, I didn't mean any of it and I can't forgive myself for saying those things to you."

Zayn is still staring up at him as Liam sniffs and tries to steady himself. He closes his eyes and continues:

"You deserve all the good in the world and I am so, so fucking sorry for everything that I've put you through. You are the light in my life and I-I don't know how to-how can I-"

"Please, come here." - A quiet voice cuts him off. 

Liam's eyes snap open and his eyes find Zayn's in the dark. The boy is looking at him, plead written all over his face and for the first time in weeks Liam sees an emotion on Zayn's beautiful face. He freezes, having no idea what to do.

"What?" - He breathes shakily.

"Come here." - Zayn repeats, quieter this time. 

Liam doesn't hesitate to shrug off his hoodie and crawl on the bed beside Zayn. He isn't sure if he should touch Zayn, so he simply lays near him and waits for what comes next. The soft smell of tobacco and mint hits his nostrils and he feels overwhelmed from Zayn's close presence.

"Can you-Could you just-" - Zayn struggles to complete the sentence as he moves closer to Liam and curls up on himself, his back facing the other boy.

"Yeah?"

"Hold me." - Zayn whispers, his voice barely reaching Liam. But it does and in a second Liam wraps his arms around the boy's thin frame, pulling him closer to his warm chest. Zayn buries himself even deeper, his nose caressing the crook of Liam's neck. His shaky breaths hits the other boy's skin, sending shivers down his spine. After a moment, Zayn's shoulders start to tremble and hot tears fall down on Liam shoulders and chest.

"You're okay." - Liam whispers, holding the boy closer to himself. "I'm here, Zee."

"I'm sorry." - Zayn sobs quietly, his broken voice sticking needles into Liam's heart. "I'm sorry I've scared you. I'm a broken mess. I'm sorry my brain doesn't function right,-"

"Please, stop." - Liam cuts him off softly. "Zayn, you are not broken. God, you are wonderful, beautiful, you are magical in every way. You have nothing to be sorry about, I'm the one who needs to apologize. I-I didn't mean what I said, I can't imagine what would I do if something bad happened to you."

Zayn sniffs and breathes shakily.

"I'm sorry I never told you about-about _this._ " - Zayn whispers. "I was afraid you wouldn't want to deal with this mess and leave."

"I would never leave you." - Liam shakes his head. He runs his fingers through Zayn's thick curls and places a kiss on top of his head. "I love you so much, I would never leave you."

"I'm clinically depressed." - Zayn says quietly. He states the obvious but the words till hang in the air heavily. " Have been since I was twelve and the accident-It made it worse. Nobody except my mom and Harry knows. They've dragged me through the years, watched me break and fix up again and again. Sometimes it just-it gets too heavy, too fucking hard. I wanted you to get away from my mess, I wanted to push you away. I've broken myself in the process."

"I thought I lost you, Zee." - Liam murmurs. "That night, when I found you in the bathroom, when you passed out in my arms, fuck, I thought I lost you for good. I didn't expect you to come back to me."

"I thought I was lost, too, Liam. It's-It's so hard to crawl out of this. I just-I want to get lost in my empty thoughts and never come back, and even now I-I just-I can't-"

"You will be okay, I promise you." - Liam says. "I am not leaving you, I am not going anywhere. You are my family, part of my soul and I will do anything to keep you safe."

Zayn chuckles humorlessly and shakes his head.

"What if I don't think I deserve to be okay?" 

Liam pulls away slightly and cups the boy's cheeks, looking right into his eyes.

"I will prove you that you do, yeah? You are okay, your brain is okay. Yes, it might have some chemical imbalance, something twisted, but you can fight it and you can live with it, but only if you try. And promise me you will try, because I won't manage without you and I don't fucking care that it sounds selfish."

"Yeah, it's selfish." - Zayn agrees. "It's selfish, but I promise to try. For you, yeah?"

Liam inhales the smaller boy's smell and holds him closer to his chest. 

"I love you." - He whispers. "And I'm not letting you go. I'll be with you from the morning 'till night, from dusk 'till dawn, every single minute. I've got you, Zee. I promise you."

_"I promise you."_ \- Zayn repeats quietly. _"From dusk 'till dawn._

Liam holds Zayn for the next few hours, until the boy falls asleep deeply. He places a kiss on the boy's cheek then and slowly untangles himself, getting up quietly not wake the boy up. He strides out of the room, shutting the door silently. He turns around and meets green, shiny eyes staring at him in the hallway. Anxiety fills up his chest, but the boy's soft face calms Liam in a second. Harry takes a few steps towards Liam, then goes into his pocket and hands him a tiny plastic bottle.

"Here." - He rasps. "It's um-These are his pills. I've been saving them, in case something happens. They're not expired yet, I've checked. So-yeah."

Liam slowly reaches for the bottle and takes it from Harry's long fingers. 

"If you think you're not ready to stay beside him through this, if you think it's too much - now's the time for you to back off. He won't judge you." - Harry adds slowly with his deep voice. "But I will."

"I'm not leaving him, Haz." - Liam shakes his head. "Not now, not ever. I'm staying with him, till the very end."

"Okay." - Harry rasps. He looks at Liam, the corners of his lips tug upwards slightly, revealing his tiny dimples that make him look like a giant fairy. "Lou and Niall are in the living room with Tricia. You-You can stay with Z or come sit with us. They-I won't mind. I know I might be a bit overprotective with Zayn, but I guess now you know why."

Liam smiles back, sincerely, with all the emotions.

"I'll stay with him, Haz. And thank you."

Harry nods and turns around, his curls bouncing as he walks away from the hallway. Liam stares down at the bottle in his hand and places it into his pocket. 

_"Everything will be alright-" - Liam said as he stared ahead at the field. 12-year-old Zayn was sitting beside him with a flower crown on his head and crooked smile. He looked at Liam and nudged him softly._

_"-the world is built on that." - He finished the quote and placed a head on Liam's shoulder._

"Everything will be alright." - Liam whispers. Zayn will be alright.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some fluffy chapter after sooo much drama and angst never hurt anyone

The locker is shut loudly, the sound echoing through the hallway. Zayn feels the pair of concerned eyes, the familiar wriggle of brows and pouty lips flashing down at him. _God,_ he hates this look. He hates how everyone thinks he is made of glass, how everyone waits for the moment he shatters, only to pick him up and fix the pieces.

"Please, stop looking at me like that." - He mumbles and lifts his eyes, clutching the books closer to his chest.

"Sorry." - Liam shakes his head and sighs. "Just-Sorry, was wondering if-"

"I am okay." - Zayn cuts him off. 

He really is. Or, at least, he is trying to be. He doesn't need another head to be filled with his dark thoughts and insecurities. It's enough that his own brain is rotting away from his thoughts, he doesn't want Liam to follow him down the same path. So he started taking his pill again a few days ago. He tries not to stay alone with his thoughts, tries to call Liam or text Harry when he feels low. He tries to eat properly, sleep enough. He tries to learn how to be a functioning human again. 

"You look pale." - Liam says quietly. His fingers gently interlace with Zayn's frozen ones and he smiles down at the dark-haired boy. 

"I'm anemic, I'm always pale." - Zayn shrugs with a smirk on his face. Liam boops his nose softly and grins when Zayn lets out an embarrassing giggle. 

"Hey, I made you laugh!" - He announces proudly.

"Please, don't break my facade of a cool guy, I've been building it up for years." - Zayn whines.

"Ugh, please." - Liam rolls his eyes as they start walking down the hallway. "You may fool everyone with your dark clothes and cool hair, but not me."

"You think I've got cool hair?"

"Shut up."

Liam throws an arm around smaller boy's shoulders and places a kiss on top of his head. He successfully ignores the stares and looks from everyone around, only focusing on Zayn's intoxicating smell of mint and tobacco mixed together. Zayn melts under his touch, glues himself to Liam's chest and blocks out the whole world around. He is very good at this thing - blocking out the universe, zoning out and leaving nothing but Liam in his mind. 

They almost make it to the classroom when someone clears their throat behind their backs. Liam stops walking and feels Zayn's body growing tense beside him. Probably because he recognized the person behind them. Instantly, worry and anxiety washes over Liam and he clutches onto Zayn protectively.

"Hey." - The boy approaches them, eyes glued to the floor as he fiddles with his fingers. Liam raises an eyebrow surprised.

"Hey, Tom." - He mumbles. 

Tom looks at him, then at Zayn and instantly, his gaze grows soft when he catches the sight of the raven-haired boy half-hiding behind Liam's back. 

"I'm not going to hurt-I just wanted to say hi. And ask how you are." - He stutters. "I haven't seen you since-Well, that night and I just-Yeah."

Zayn blinks at him, confused and surprised, because _is Tom concerned about him?_ Is this another wicked game that his mind is playing on him?

"Sorry, fuck." - Tom shakes his head and chuckles. " 'T was a stupid idea, sorry. I know I'm not your favorite person so I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to just approach and-"

"I'm fine." - Zayn says quietly, causing Tom to cut off his rambling. He stares at Zayn with lips parted and wide eyes, as if he didn't expect the boy to actually respond. "Thank you for asking."

"Oh." - Tom shuts his mouth and gulps. His eyes sneak back at Liam, who nods at him with a serious expression. "Okay, um-Yeah. I-I'm glad you're fine. I'm just gonna go."

The boy turns around on his heel and storms away before any of the boys can say anything. Liam stares at the place Tom has been standing a few seconds ago, then barks a laugh and glances at Zayn.

"I guess he has a crush on you."

Zayn's expression changes. His brows knit together and the frown appears on his face.

"No. No, it's not possible. He's been bullying-fuck it, beating me for being gay. That's wouldn't be fucking fair."

"You're right. Sorry." - Liam's smile falls and hangs his head down. 

"Come on." - Zayn says softly. "We're gonna be late."

__

"For the last time, dogs don't care when you change your perfume, Niall. They can feel your natural smell and-"

"But what if my dog likes one particular perfume and I keep putting on another one? And what if one day, someone else puts on the perfume that he likes and he'll run away to them?!" - Niall asks heart-broken.

"That's so fucking stupid!" - Louis whines, mentally stopping himself from smacking Irish lad's head. "Your dog's not gonna run away unless he's an ungrateful shit."

"Hey! Don't talk like that about my dog!"

"Do you even have a dog?" - Harry asks suddenly. 

Niall blinks at him.

"No?"

"Oh my God!" - Louis yells, this time not even trying to stop the hand from meeting the back of Niall's neck. 

They are sitting on the bleachers. The cold wind is breaking through their skins but they couldn't care less. Harry spots familiar silhouettes approaching them and sprints up to his feet with a wide grin.

"Zaynie!" - He jumps on his friend as soon as Zayn nears him. His strong, big arms curl around Zayn's thin body protectively and bury the boy in his chest. Zayn lets out a yelp, but doesn't try to pull away.

"Okay, okay, enough!" - Louis shrieks after a moment and drags Harry away from Zayn. 

"Aw, don't be jealous, Lou." - Liam fakes a pout as he flops down beside Louis. 

"Shove off, Payne. You know your boyfriend is hot, so don't blame me for being jealous." 

"Lou, you're the only one that I want." - Harry places a sloppy kiss on Louis cheek, which ends up being wiped away with the sleeve of Louis' hoodie.

Liam's breath gets caught the moment Louis calls Zayn his boyfriend. He doesn't know what terms they are on. He doesn't know if he should ask Zayn about where they stand, if it is too soon for him to make a move. He glances at Zayn, in hope to find an answer.

Zayn smiles at him. With the wide grin, the one which causes his nose to scrunch up and his tongue pokes out slightly. He stands there, in front of Liam, with his hair messed up from Harry's embrace, with his clothes that look too big on him and cause him to look so small and cuddly. With his chunky boots that make him look like an alien which only proves that he it out of this world. With his tiny freckles and small mole in left eye and pink lips and-

"Liam." - A hard nudge snaps him out of his trance. 

"What?" - He hisses at Louis.

"Stop eating Zee alive with your eyes." - Louis mumbles.

"I'm not-"

"I don't mind." - Zayn shrugs. "I love when my boyfriend stares at me."

Warmth washes over Liam and his face breaks in stupid grin. He shakes his head, and smiles at Zayn. The boy approaches him and crushes down into his lap andLiam wraps his arms around Zayn to hold him closer to his chest.

"Sorry if I'm crushin' you." - Zayn breathes into his neck.

"You're like a feather, love." - Liam whispers. "You could never."

Harry clears his throat beside them.

"Excuse me, you're taking away our proudly gained title of the most disgusting couple."

"We could never." - Liam laughs.

"Yeah, Curly, they could never." - Louis nods. He gets up and throws one feet over Harry's body, sitting down on his lap so he can face his boyfriend and look him in the eyes. 

"Lou,-"

"Don't you dare to ever say that again. We _are_ and always will be the most disgusting couple in this school." - With these words he locks his lips with Harry's, letting out quiet moans as he sucks on the boy's mouth.

Liam fakes a gag, while Zayn chuckles and shakes his head.

"Wow. It feels really nice to be fifth-wheel." - Niall mumbles with his mouth full of chips. _Where did he even get them from?_ "Whatever. I'm just gonna sit here and watch free porn, thanks guys."

Louis' hand painfully smacks Niall's blonde head before any of them can do something.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i want Nialler to be happy (and gay) too!

"Is that-"

"Lou, be quiet." - Harry whispers.

"But that's Niall-"

"Yes, that's Niall."

"And-And-"

"Yes, we see that." - Liam shuts him up. They are sitting behind the bushes beside the school, _definitely_ not spying on Niall. Liam shifts closer to Louis to properly see the Irish lad. 

"Liam, stop moving, he's gonna see us!" - Louis whisper-shouts at his friend and tries to move away from Liam, accidentely elbowing something solid in the process.

"Oh, yeah, go on, poke my eyes out, Louis." - Harry whines and pushes his boyfriend away, causing the smaller boy to stumble and fall down on his bum.

"Ouch!" - Louis whispers, glaring up at Harry.

"Be quiet, for fuck's sake." - Zayn hushes them as he peeks out from the bushes and tries to spot Niall. "Where'd he go?"

"What?!" - Liam turns his head to look at the spot that Niall has been standing on a few moments ago. "He was there! Where-When did he-"

"When did who?" - A loud voice asks from behind their backs.

Harry lets out a strangled yelp, nearly falling down on Louis, while Liam's head snaps up only to be met with familiar bleached hair and piercing blue eyes.

"Oh-Niall! Nialler! Lad! Ireland! How-How you doin'?" - He chokes and unsuccessfully tries to hide the fact that he's been spying on the boy for hours.

"Oh, I'm fine, thanks." - Niall crosses arms on his chest and furrows his brows. He glances at Zayn, who looks away instantly with a guilty look in his eyes. "You were spying on me, weren't you?"

"What?!" - Louis screams and Liam rolls his eyes at his pathetic excuse of acting. "Pff, right. Like we have nothing else to do. Huh! Spying! Did you hear _that_ ?!"

"Louis." 

"Yeah?"

"He saw us." - Harry sighs. Louis' facade breaks and he hangs his head low shamefully.

"What the fuck, guys?!" - Niall groans. "And by the way, I didn't see you. I heard Louis' annoying voice form the bushes."

"Excuse you-"

"Shut up, Charlie's angel." - Niall cuts Louis off. He looks at Zayn again, as if he is the only decent person from the group and rises and eyebrow. "So?"

"We saw you with Shawn." - Zayn blurts out. "And-And Louis suggested to follow you and spy on you."

"You'd make a great FBI agent, Malik." - Louis rolls his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I hate when people pressure me." - Zayn says with a quiet voice, shining his puppy eyes at Louis, who obviously softens at the sight.

"So, Niall-," - Harry clears his throat. "Shawn, huh?"

"Oh, shut you cake-hole, you frog!" - Niall snaps.

"Hey!" - Louis moves closer to his boyfriend and wraps and arm around his shoulder protectively. "Apologize to froggy, right now!"

"I'm not a frog-Ugh, whatever!" - Harry whines.

Niall continues to stand there, arms crosses and feet stomping until he finally lets out a sigh and shakes his head.

"Fine! Let's go get some milkshakes. I'll tell you about Mendes."

__

"-so he comes up to me, yeah? Lookin' all hot and sweaty, straight out from the practice, leans on the wall with one shoulder, brows raised and smirk painted and goes on _"how are you, Niall?"_ And that's when I fucking melted. Like, literally, stared dripping-"

"Woah, woah, no details!" - Louis covers Harry's ears with his palms. Liam sips his milkshake, eyes still focused on his Irish friend. 

They are sitting in some shitty diner, drinking shitty milkshake and listening to sappy love-story. But that's what life is all about. Shitty drinks and pining friends.

"And he asked me out. That's it. You can now call Robert Pattison and ask him to audition for my role." - Niall finishes his drink and stares at his friends. "So?"

The four of his friends blink at him as silence hangs awkwardly in the air, with Harry's loud sipping being the only sound. Louis clears his throat and leans forward.

"I'd give the story 7 out of 10. It lacks some physical connection, like first kiss of touches and stuff. But, I'd rate Mendes all 10 out of 10. He's sexy, charming, tall, curly-"

"Heeey! I'm tall and curly, too!" - Harry whines.

"You're 11, darling." - Louis calms him. "So, you have my blessing. Genltmen?"

"Agree." - Liam nods. "He's your type. Ten out of ten, like Louis said. I give you my blessing as well."

"Well, I'd personally give him 9, not 10." - Harry rolls his eyes. "But fine. Nialler, good job."

"Zayn?" - Liam looks at his boyfriend, who is staring down at his fingers, not participating in the conversation.

"Yeah?" - The boy asks without looking up.

"What do you think?"

Zayn clears his throat and lifts his eyes to glance at Niall. 

"Um, well. I don't think Niall needs our opinions on the guy. I mean, if you feel the spark, the chemistry, go for it. You're very lovely, Niall. Do whatever makes you happy."

The table drowns in silence for a moment, until Niall bolts up from his seat, grabs Zayn by the collar of his hoodie and pulls him in to place a sloppy kiss on his cheek. He flops back down on the chair after that with a pleasured grin plastered on his face.

"I love you, Zayn. I swear to God, I love you so much." 

Zayn turns red instantly, blushing violently at the words.

"Payno, I love him." - Niall turns to Liam. "He's an angel."

"Okay, back off, Kasanova." - Liam wraps his arms around Zayn and shields him from Niall. "You've got your own boy to drool over."

"When's the date?" - Harry drops the question.

"Tonight. We're going to the movies."

"Cliche." - Louis rolls his eyes. 

"Fuck off, Tommo. Your first date was behind the bleachers, sucking each-other's dicks."

"You've told them?!" - Harry gasps.

"Nope. I saw you. From the bushes." - Niall sips Liam's milkshake as everyone breaks out in loud coughs and shocked yells. "Cheers."


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i know u all were waiting for a smut, so i apologize for not giving it to you. i've only written it once, in my other ziam fic and 've realized it's not mine. i just can't do it. plus, i'm not a native english speaker so it would suck in general.
> 
> anyways.  
> hope u enjoyed this fic as much as i enjoyed writing it

There's an envelope laying on Liam's nightstand. Zayn has been eyeing it for almost an hour now, anxiously staring at it and not daring to touch a thin piece of paper. He recognizes a tiny logo printed on corner of the envelope, and even if he didn't - bold letters scream **Stanford University, California** right on top if it. He regrets staying at Liam's last night, but Niall's party was too tiring and he was too drunk to stumble home. Instead, Liam wrapped his arms around Zayn's body and leaded him towards his house, where they laid under the covers in the boy's room and slept peacefully. Until now.

Zayn runs a hand through his hair and sighs. He knows he can't blame Liam for wanting to leave this shit-hole of the town. He knows he doesn't have the right to be angry at the boy, only because he doesn't want to be with Zayn anymore. Zayn gets it, because _hell,_ he wouldn't want to be with himself in the first place. But the thing is - he knows it will hurt. He knows it will rip his heart to shreds when Liam leaves and moves on with his life, leaving their town and Zayn behind. This is what Liam deserves, to have a bright future and get out there, explore the world, yes, but Zayn isn't sure he will ever recover from the pain that it will cause him.

He got used to having Liam again in his life. He got used to the boy's smiles, giggles, stupid jokes, kind eyes, low voice, sweet lips and warm hands. He got used to them and he fell in love with them. He got used to the boy being his anchor, his guiding light - and now has to let it go and drown in the darkness. 

Gentle fingers caress the side of his face, causing Zayn to turn his head to the side and face Liam. The boy's eyes are hooded with sleep as he looks at Zayn with his warm gaze. Liam smiles at him, finger tracing the edge of Zayn;s sharp jaw.

"Mornin'." - The boy rasps.

Zayn smiles back and leans down, placing a tiny kiss on the boy's forehead. 

"Hi."

"Slept well?"

"Yeah." - Zayn nods. He doesn't lie, he did sleep well. For the first time in years.

"We have to go to school." - Liam grunts and whines. "Fuck, I don't want to leave the bed."

"But you will have to." - Zayn tells him. "We can't skip. not again."

"Yeah, I know." - Liam grins. He sits up in the bed and stretches. Zayn gulps at the sight of the boy's muscles because _fuck_ Liam is one sexy anchor and a guiding light. The boy runs a hand through Zayn's tangled hair and the latter leans in touch, almost melting under Liam. Liam chuckles and kisses Zayn's cheek before getting up from the bed.

Zayn follows him, his legs meet the cols surface of the floor and instantly, shivers run down his spine. Liam seems to notice it because he appears by Zayn's side in a moment and embraces him, capturing his small frame in his strong arms. Zayn closes his eyes, inhaling Liam's intoxicating, sweet smell and buries himself deeper in the boy's chest.

They stay like that for what feels like an eternity until Liam finally pulls away.

"We have to get ready if we don't want to be late." - The boy says with a sad smile. "I can give you something to wear and- _oh._ "

Liam cuts himself off and Zayn's eyes snap up at him to see what caused it. Liam is staring at the envelope on the nightstand, while his hands are still tightly secured around Zayn. Zayn wiggles out from the boy's touch and clears his throat.

"I'm not going to throw the scene, I'm-I get it." - He says with a small voice. "I get that you want to leave. And you're right, you have to leave. You deserve to live a better life, somewhere far away from here. From me." - He says the last part with a shaky whisper.

"Zayn." - Liam calls his name softly and Zayn looks up at him with glassy eyes. Liam's eyes are full of unshed tears and _that_ kills Zayn's soul.

"Hey, no, no." - His hands fly up and wipe the tears that suddenly escaped Liam's soft eyes. "Don't cry, please. I don't blame you, this is the right thing to do. Please, don't waste your tears on me-"

Suddenly, strong arms capture Zayn's shoulders and push him backwards until he stumbles and falls down on the bed. He gapes at Liam with wide eyes as the boy lands on top of him, his hands placed on both sides near Zayn's face. Liam stares down at him with a strange hunger and passion.

"Shut up." - The boy growls. "You are the only thing in my life that I should waste my tears on, and not only tears."

_"Leeyum-"_

"Let me finish." - Liam cuts him off sharply. "You are the most stubborn boy I have ever met in my whole life. But you know what? I fucking love it. And you know what else? You are worth much more than I can give you."

Zayn feels the uncomfortable tickle somewhere near the tip on his nose, indicating that he is going to burst into tears. But he doesn't tru to stop himself.

"That envelope?" - Liam nods towards the nightstand, never breaking an eye-contact with the boy underneath him. "It's an answer to the one I sent. I've told them I'm not going."

"Liam-" - Zayn gasps, but Liam's lips shut him up when they land on his forehead.

"I am not leaving. Not without you. Not now, not ever. We can find something else, we can leave together." - Liam tells him. "But not without you, _never_ without you."

Zayn stares up at Liam as tears stream down his face and land on Liam's sheets. He looks at the boy on top of him, the boy who sacrificed his future for Zayn, for _Zayn._

"You are my priority." - Liam adds sternly. "And sooner you get it - better."

 _"I love you."_ \- Zayn lets out a trembling whisper suddenly. He can't contain it anymore. Not after this.

Liam is staring down at him for a moment. He stares and stares, eating Zayn alive with his gaze. The he leans down and places a trail of kisses down Zayn's neck, causing the boy to shiver underneath him.

"You love me." - He repeats between the kisses. 

"I-I do." - Zayn stutters as an overwhelming feeling consumes him with every kiss that Liam lands on his sensitive skin.

"Fuck." - Liam growls and his teeth sink in Zayn's skin before he can say anything. He lets out a soft gasp and throws his head backwards. His body feels hot, his head is spinning but _God,_ he loves it.

"Liam." - He whines quietly as the boy's hands run under the thin material of his shirt and start tracing his chest.

"I've got you." - Liam answers with a whisper. "You deserve the world and I'm going to give a little piece of it to you right now, baby."

Zayn let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes, letting the darkness consume him. but this time, this darkness was not something bad, something scary. It was _home._

___

 

"Now way! No fuckin' way, Niall! We are _not_ going to pose in these!" - Louis shrieks.

They are standing in the football field, holding strange-looking cheerleading pompons and stripy uniforms with short skirts and crop tops. 

"Lou, please!" - Niall pleads. "I've told Shawn I would give him the best cheerleading photo ever!"

"We're not even cheerleaders, Niall!" - Louis yells. 

"I know! That's the thing! Everybody's participating! I've heard Brendon's friends climbed up on the roof of our school and posed naked! You wanna pose naked?!"

"I don't want to have any part in it at all." - Louis answers.

"Oh, really?! When you needed a friend, who was there for you? Right, _me!_ When you and Hazza run out of lube, who brought a new one for you while you were in the middle of _it?!_ Me! Who-"

"Enough!" - Harry shrieks and cuts Niall off. He's holding a bright, yellow pompon in his large hands and already looks stupid enough, even without a uniform. "We'll do it."

"Harreh!"

"No, Lou, he's right. Nialler's our friend." - Harry shakes his head. "So we're going to help him."

"Do we get a word in it?" - Liam chimes in.

"No." - Niall glares. "Get dressed and get out on the field, I'll get my camera. I love you, you're the best friends in the world!"

___

 

"Stand on the left Harry." - Niall orders and waves his hand in front of him.

"I can't-the skirt's too fucking tight!"

"The other left, Harry!" - Niall whines.

"Hey, shut your mouth before I've stabbed a cigarette in your eye!" - Harry snaps.

"Finally! Let that dark monster of yours out, love. I look like Gigi Hadid, and let me remind you _she_ is the captain of cheerleading group, not me!" - Louis adds. He's standing in front of Harry, dressed in tiny, yellow skirt and stripy crop top, looking like a Tinker Bell, with his feathery hair and piercing blue eyes. Harry gapes at him, then takes a long step towards Louis and captures his thin waist in his strong arms.

"Baby, you look so sexy." - He growls, eyes running up and down Louis' body. The smaller boy blushes and hangs his head. "Fuck, I would-"

"Hey! No, none of that! Get back to your positions! Zayn, can you hold that pompon a bit higher than that?"

Zayn rolls his eyes but does as he's told. Liam chuckles beside him and Zayn bursts in giggles the second he looks at the boy, because athletic, muscular, toned and massive Liam Payne is wearing a fucking skirt and a crop top. 

"Stop laughing at me!" - Liam whines. "These were _not_ made for covering dicks!"

"Especially a really long ones." - Zayn adds quietly.

The field drowns in silence. Harry gasps and covers his mouth with palms.

"You did not!"

"We did!" - Liam grins proudly, but earns a smack on his neck from Zayn.

"Oh my God!" - Harry shrieks like a teenage girl and jumps on the place, looking stupid with that neon skirt flowing around his hips. "My Zaynie had sex with Paynie!"

"Who are you and where did my sexy boyfriend who smokes cigs and rides bikes go?" - Louis narrows his eyes and glares at Harry.

"It's an effect of this skirt." - Harry decides.

"Okay, get ready!" - Niall orders.

They whine and mumble, but finally get to their positions with Louis laying in front of them, Harry, Liam and Zayn standing behind him with pompons in their outstretched hands above their heads. 

_"Three-"_

"I'm going to regret it." - Harry mumbles.

_"Two-"_

"I don't think I'll ever recover from this." - Liam adds.

_"One-"_

"I'm sorry if you seeing this, baba. Please, don't let Safaa make fun of me." - Zayn sincerely pleads under his breath.

_"Done!_

___

 

The cafeteria is full of people. The students are running towards the information board full of posters and papers. Liam is hiding his face in his arms as they sit on one of the furthest tables in the corner. Harry is looking around frantically, curls bouncing with ever move his head makes. Louis is sipping his juice quietly, eyes glued to the table, while Zayn chews the inside of his cheek anxiously.

Niall flops down on the chair beside him with a wide grin and proud expression.

"We won!" - He announces.

"Oh, no." - Louis whines and pushes the juice carton away.

"God, why?!" - Liam cries, his voice muffled with a fabric of his hoodie.

"Our photo is pinned on the information board! Shawn is so, so proud, guys! He asked me out on a date, again!" - Niall rambles on. 

"You owe us a big time." - Louis hisses, pointing a finger at his blonde friend.

"I know! Thank you, guys! You really are the best!"

"How long is it going to be hanging up there?" - Zayn dares to ask.

"Um-For the whole football season?" - Niall responds quietly.

"What?! Oh my God!"

"Donya and Waliyah will probably take a copy of it and bring it home." - Zayn realizes. "Mom's gonna have a stroke."

"Milkshakes are one me!" - Niall announces to the group, trying to make it better. Somehow.

"Shove your milkshakes up your Irish-"

Louis places his hands on Harry's mouth, shutting him up. Harry pulls away and gets up from the chair, Liam following him.

"Oh, well." - Zayn shrugs unbothered.

"Niall, run for you life!" - Louis yells before Harry and Liam bolt towards Niall.

The three of them run out of cafeteria with loud cusses and yells, while Niall laughs hysterically. Louis picks his juice up and strides towards the door, Zayn walking beside him with a backpack thrown over his shoulder.

"Who's gonna punch Niall, mine or yours?" - He asks calmly.

"Yours." - Zayn answers. "Liam's against the violence."

"Yeah, you're right. Mine always ends up punching someone."

They walk out of the cafeteria, slowly following their friends, ignoring gasps and stares thrown at them. At least they won and got Niall a date.


End file.
